Who's encouraging the assholes of tomorrow?

Verizon Wireless and Motorola, that's who.

These moronic companies currently have an ad running featuring teens. Each teen has a blurb of text over his or her image, telling how they text. The very first one?

"I text through the movie."

Okay, jerks -- and this includes you verizon and motorola -- cell phones and PDAs now have super-bright screens that emit a ton of lumens. Translation? Even if you hit one button to check the time during the film, you're bothering everyone within a 50-foot radius.

Cell phones - the lights, the noises, the rings, and you talking - are a DISTRACTION at any public theater venue. So if you go to see a movie, a quiet-ish concert, a play, the opera, the symphony -- shut the damn thing off.

Do you have kids? Please teach them to turn off their cell phones when out at social events. Also teach them when it is rude to use the phone -- and when it's time to put it away. Guess what? The world will keep spinning for an hour or two, and your friends won't die because they didn't get an immediate response from you.

Let's start demonstrating respect for others around us by not disturbing them -- least of all when they've just paid $20 admission and $15 for food for an enjoyable (not annoying) night out.

And the dumbest "teen" in this ad? "I text between the sheets." I hope to god they mean when he's beating off.

Read more on the dangers of texting here.

Finally, for house guests

The last rule for house guests is: Leave your host(s) alone. Go for a walk by yourself. Go visit the nearest large city without them. Run to the store solo and stock up on groceries for the household.

But do give your host a few minutes of peace.

Having someone else in your space for days is jarring to the soul and psyche. And with or without house guests, we all need a little decompression time.

So when someone's kind enough to put you up, leave them alone.

Mad props to the polite

Good behavior witnessed this week:

• Lots of "please"s and "thank yous."
  
• Drivers not talking on their cell phones, letting others into traffic in one-lane construction zones.
  
• An entire family reunion crowd waiting patiently and taking their turns at the buffet table.
  
• Kids of all ages saying, "Nice to meet you," upon meeting someone for the first time.
  

Polite people, you make the world a nicer place.

If you're a houseguest

The big no-no of host gifts...see why below.

When staying at someone else's home, make sure you make an offering of gratitude -- and I don't mean a stupid post-it note on the fridge with the word "Thanks!" scrawled across it.

• A gift is cheaper than a hotel. Show up with a hostess gift - even if you're only staying for one night. A bottle of wine, a bag of nice coffee beans, or sweets are nice -- anything that you think your host would appreciate.
  
  
• Do not bring hostess soaps. Nobody likes those. And they stink to high heaven.
  
  
• When visiting a home that includes small children, a little something for the little somethings is always nice.
  
  
• Staying for a few days? Or a week? Buy your host(s) at least one meal, if not more.
  
  
• Short on cash? Cook for your host(s) one night. Or morning. We loooove to be waited on.

The worst house guests I ever had stayed for two days, said, "We want to take you out for dinner!" then asked me for $30 when the bill came. Their act of gratitude? A stupid post-it note on the fridge with the word, "Thanks!" scrawled across it.

For houseguests and hosts

In honor of the fact that I'm about to have four house guests for seven days (yow!), I thought this might be a good time to post some dos and don'ts for those who host and those who stay.

Before the visit:

House guests...

• Never invite yourself. Just because your buddy Dave lives in Hawaii doesn't mean he has room for, or necessarily wants, house guests. Wait to be invited. If you're not invited but you're dying to go to Hawaii (or any other locale where you have friends/relatives/acquaintances), buy a ticket and book a hotel room, or stay home, cheapskate.
  
  
• Take care of your own special accommodations and accoutrements. If you're on a restrictive diet of enzyme-free yogurt and flax-infused chamomile enemas, don't demand your host stock up on these items, especially if they're hard to get. Same goes for special accommodations -- down-free pillows, lint-free sheets. When someone opens their home to you, this is not the time to be a diva.

• Board Fluffy or hire a pet sitter. Don't put your host in the uncomfortable position of having to answer, "Can we bring Fido?" Assume the answer is "no." This is best for all involved.

Hosts...

• Do have some food and snacks on hand for your guests. It is nice to ask beforehand what they prefer, or if they have any food allergies.
  
  
• Whatever you stock up on, don't buy the cheap stuff. Never serve your guests something you wouldn't eat or drink.
  
  
• Add some touches of comfort: Kleenex in every room, (non-pornographic) reading material near the sleeping quarters, and fresh, clean towels and washcloths are always welcoming. And "welcome" is what you want your guests to feel.

More on guests and hosts:

Never go empty-handed
Be nice to your host

No touching part 2

If you missed the comments in last week's post, there's another type of stranger you are never allowed to touch: pregnant women.

Would you walk up to a random guy in public and touch his crotch? (I'm asking everyone except the drunken sorority girls and bachelorette parties.) How about a skinny woman and touch her belly, boobs, or ass? Not acceptable, right?

Putting your hands on a pregnant woman's belly (doubly offensive if she's not pregnant and you think she is) is never okay.

And here are the bullshit responses I've heard:

1. "But there's a baby in there!"

So? Why not go to the maternity ward at your local hospital and press your face and hands up against the nursery glass. There's babies in there! That won't make you look like a psycho.

2. "You know, in some cultures, it's considered good luck to rub a pregnant woman's belly."

Yeah, well, this is America and that one somehow never made it into our culture. We have this thing called personal space, and we'll thank y'all to respect it. If you need to find a belly to rub for luck, go to your nearest funky home furnishings store, buy a statue of Buddha, and rub away.

Even with pregnant friends and relatives, ask first before touching.

On movie theaters and public transport

1) Why have movie theaters stopped showing those little "turn off your cell phone" promos before the movie? I think cingular used to sponsor them, and cingular no longer exists, so neither do the promos.

If you go to a movie, turn off your fucking cell phone, iphone, sidekick or whatever. It's rude to text or talk on your phone during the movie, no matter how quick you are. You're disturbing others in the audience.*

2) Will someone under 30 please tell Generation Y that when you see an old, feeble person get on the bus or train, the right thing to do is give up your seat to the old person? Ditto if it's a pregnant woman.

Note: if you are disabled, pregnant, or dealing with some injury, you don't have to give up your seat. But if you're healthy, and someone needs it more than you do, do them a kindness and give up your seat.

Besides, standing is healthier for your spine.



* today's inspiration: yesterday, 4:00 pm showing of "(500) Days of Summer" at the Landmark Century Theater. Some moron in my row answered his phone (on vibrate, so he got one thing right) during the movie to tell the person, "I'm in a movie I'll call you back."

Hey, rude-ass! Your cell phone has this thing called "voice mail" on it. You know what it's for? So the caller can leave a message and when you're free you can call them back. Nifty invention, huh?

Mad props to the polite

At Trader Joe's this week, two young girls (about ages 10 and 8, I'd say) walked up to the freebie-snack treasure chest at the front of the store and asked permission first before they took said freebies.

Yes! A child asking politely! Yes! Yes! (fist pump into air) I love these kids and I love the parents who are teaching them good manners!

You rule, polite parents!

No touching

It amazes me how many people think it's okay to touch strangers in public. It's not. It's rude, offensive, and a violation of one's personal space.

I've been pushed in a bank line and chummily grabbed by the shoulders in a buffet line. The second offender got an earful from me.

The other "no touching" rule that I urge all to follow is: Don't Touch Random Babies Whom You Don't Know.

I know people who do this all the time -- we're out at the mall, and up behind us steps a parent with an infant -- and my friend is cooing and drooling -- and then they have to grab the baby's hand, or touch the baby on the face. Yes, babies are beyond adorable. But it's not your adorable kid to touch.

Newsflash: That parent or nanny has no idea where your hands have been, and that child is more than likely going to pick up your germs.

This no-touching rule extends to the workplace: even if you know someone, even if you're "friendly" with them, no inappropriate touching at work. I realize there are some business cultures where a hug is okay between colleagues -- but make sure you know that a hug is okay before reaching out to touch someone.

I'll never forget the first time a business colleague (female) hugged me after a meeting -- I was flabbergasted. I was taught you don't hug at work, and I was thrown. Now, I have a few colleagues whom I do hug, but we've also been working together for eight years, and we only hug hello or good-bye if we're out, like at a lunch. Never in front of clients.

And please, never ever ever do this at work.





Have a great weekend, readers...and stay polite!

How to dress

It sounds silly, doesn't it? Your mommy doesn't dress you anymore, right? Perhaps more mommies should still dress their adult or near-adult offspring.

Think about where you are going first. Think about whom you might see -- especially if this is a business situation, or even a social situation where you might see a potential business contact. Dress appropriately for the occasion. If you're not sure what's best -- black tie or Juicy Couture sweats? -- ask somebody.

Grievous sartorial offenses I've observed multiple times:

• Real estate agents wearing jeans, yoga stretch pants, or raggy shorts while
  showing a property.*
  
• Denim-clad women attending non-casual cocktail parties.
• Hoochie-mama attire in the workplace.
  
• Chest hair displayed in the workplace.

One of the greatest lessons imparted to me came from actor and teacher John Howard Swain. He demonstrated that you show respect for your audience, respect for yourself, and respect for the work by how you dress.

So what does your attire say about you? "Eff you"? or "I like myself"?


*This describes, sadly, about 99.9% of the real estate agents in Chicago. Who told these morons it's okay to look like you're picking up groceries, and you just happened to swing by to maybe make a buck? Show a little respect, lazy asses.