When the guest gets wasted (and pukes)

Hey Etiquette Bitch,

I’ve been absolutely beside myself about a situation that happened in my home a few days ago.

My husband’s nephew and his girlfriend (both supposedly responsible, 22-yr old university students) invited themselves to stay overnight as they were driving through our city. We made dinner, I set the formal dining room table for our family of 5 and our 2 guests. Apparently my husband was over-pouring the wine and I wasn’t paying enough attention, because after dinner the girlfriend proceeded to vomit all over my dining room table and brand new rug.

I was absolutely horrified!

She apologized, retreated to our guest room for the night, and we cleaned the mess up. (I’ll give the nephew some credit – he did help clean up). It was disgusting and I am still in a state of shock about it.

My question is, how does one properly respond to an apology for a totally egregious incident? I said “it’s alright”, but really, it is NOT alright! I feel like I want to burn my beautiful dining room table and new rug. And every time I serve dinner in my dining room in the future I will remember this incident. It’s like she has ruined my dining room which I put so much effort and expense into decorating 2 years ago. What would you have said?

Should try to follow up, or just try my best to forget it ever happened? The next morning she made a lame attempt at an excuse, saying she hadn’t been feeling well for a few days. I didn’t call her on it, but maybe I should have, because then they sat around drinking coffee and chatting for a few hours as if nothing had happened, so obviously my “it’s alright” response made her feel that I bought her excuse and everything was A-OK. (Personally, I would have been so ashamed of myself I would have written a profuse apology and bolted in the middle of the night.)

The nephew’s parents (my husband’s sister, with whom I do not get along with) have invited themselves to our house to stay next weekend. Should this be our dirty little secret or do we let them know what happened during their son’s recent visit? Yes, they are adults legally, and should be responsible for their own actions, but they are students living at home and I assume are still partially supported by their parents. If my 20-yr old son or his girlfriend did something like this I would certainly want to know about it so I could sit them down for a serious talk about unacceptable behavior, consequences and attempting to mitigate the damage.

Thank you in advance for your sage advice.

S.

What do I tell S? Click the title to find out. Running time: 7 m 30 s.

Make it a drinking game: take a chug every time I say "mad props." :) (Yes, my hipness stopped around 1996.)

Got an etiquette dilemma of your own? Email me: etiquetteb [at] gmail [dot] com

If you're a houseguest

The big no-no of host gifts...see why below.

When staying at someone else's home, make sure you make an offering of gratitude -- and I don't mean a stupid post-it note on the fridge with the word "Thanks!" scrawled across it.

• A gift is cheaper than a hotel. Show up with a hostess gift - even if you're only staying for one night. A bottle of wine, a bag of nice coffee beans, or sweets are nice -- anything that you think your host would appreciate.
  
  
• Do not bring hostess soaps. Nobody likes those. And they stink to high heaven.
  
  
• When visiting a home that includes small children, a little something for the little somethings is always nice.
  
  
• Staying for a few days? Or a week? Buy your host(s) at least one meal, if not more.
  
  
• Short on cash? Cook for your host(s) one night. Or morning. We loooove to be waited on.

The worst house guests I ever had stayed for two days, said, "We want to take you out for dinner!" then asked me for $30 when the bill came. Their act of gratitude? A stupid post-it note on the fridge with the word, "Thanks!" scrawled across it.

Politely turning away houseguests

Dear Etiquette Bitch,

I recently moved to a desirable location that is popular and expensive to travel to. I am in the early stages of renovation, and will be in the midst of some level of chaos for the foreseeable future. That said, I enjoy being able to share my home and good fortune with friends. In the 4 months I have lived in the house, I have already had quite a few house guests, and twice as many requests to visit.

A couple of the guests were fantastic. They stayed 2-3 days, made their impact small, and made contributions to the shared visit.

The other group hasn't been a nightmare; it's that their expectations are out of line with what I can comfortably provide, and out of scale with our friendship. That's the reason I write you.

I rarely stay with others. I know how disruptive even considerate house guests can be, and thus being one makes me feel immediately apologetic.

My second group seems to operate in an opposite manner. They push for increasing amounts until my limits are reached. This places me in a terribly awkward position. I take my duties as host seriously. My guest's comfort and happiness are very important to me. But at this point I have begun feeling taken advantage of, and it's souring me on the idea of any guests.

Before it gets to where I cut it off completely (excluding the closest of friends), I'd like to figure out a way of politely telling people, "Yes, I appreciate you sending me your proposed itinerary which indicates you plan on staying with me for 10 days, but perhaps you might want to see how long I can host you in a less, 'I am one button push away from making all the decisions for both of us' manner."

People seem to get offended when I tell them I cannot host them for their entire trip. I realize this is their problem, but I do not want to lose additional friends over it. I have seen the island many times over now, have my own life to run, and cannot be their tour guide or long term innkeeper.

Can you help?
--P.

P--

First off, mad props to you and to your first group of friends -- y'all seem to understand that "friend with a house in another locale" is not synonymous with "all expenses paid Hilton." The prudent (and desirable, invited-back) house guest is mindful of the host; pays for a meal or two (or three or four); contributes to the upkeep of the house (even if it's just making the bed); and leaves the host alone for some time.

The other group, well, you described them perfectly in your letter. I appreciate the delicate, uncomfortable situation you find yourself in. I'm going to give you some suggestions, and then I want you to practice saying these out loud. I promise you, if you don't practice, you won't use 'em when the time comes. How did Tiger Woods get so damn good at golf? He didn't think about it or read blogs about it -- he did it.

Now, on to you: You actually have the perfect out: you're in the middle of renovations. Heck, far as I'm concerned, your renovations are going to take years, especially when your 2nd group of friends calls you.

That said, I'm also not a fan of lying to get out of something, but in your case, it' s not a lie. So, we're going to practice a couple of routes, all involving the truth.

When someone sends you their 10-day itinerary, including a 10-day stay at your house:

"Hi, Jim, it's P. calling. Thanks for sending me your travel plans, but I'm sorry, I won't be able to host you all 10 days. I've got the plumber coming all that week, and with the way he's ripping out the walls, there's no place for me to put guests, and dust will be everywhere. I can have you stay that weekend, but not all ten days." [Or, "I'm sorry, it's just not going to work out this time."]

Or, just be straightforwardly honest:

"Carla, so glad you'll be in my neck of the woods! Listen, I don't want to offend you, and I hope this won't cause any friction between us, but I'm just not able to have any house guests right now. I've already had four visitors, and it's not even June! I'm just a little wiped right now, and I haven't even had time to attend to that drywall I'm putting up, but I'd love to see you for dinner on that Thursday you're here. I hope you understand. If you need a place to stay, I can recommend a timeshare up the road."

or:

"Jake, hi, I got your email about your visit. This is uncomfortable for me to say, and slightly awkward, but I'm afraid I can't offer up my house or play host this time. I've just been swamped, and I really need to catch up. Would you like to meet for drinks on the Thursday or Friday you're here?"

(You don't even have to offer to meet for drinks or dinner; I just threw that in in case you do want to see these folks.)

If someone dumps you as a friend because you couldn't be their free meal ticket during a vacation, well, is that person worth keeping as a friend? You also mention that the second group, who show disregard for your time, space and needs, aren't really your closest friends...so why worry?

Host those who are near and dear to you, when you can. And remember, it's your home. Etiquette is about making others feel comfortable and at ease, but also about setting appropriate boundaries. Your non-close friends who would impose upon you when it's outside of your capacity...well, they're not practicing good etiquette, are they?

Maybe point them to this blog, where I'll remind them that it's bad manners to invite one's self to another's home.