Are you clipping your nails right now? Gross.

Happy Friday! Don't trim your nails at work. Gross.

Click "play" below to listen. Running time: 4 m 11 s.


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I didn't want to really know

Please learn when niceties (e.g., "how are you?" reply: "fine.") are appropriate, and when the truth (e.g., "how's it going?" reply: "Not great. I just had my second rectal exam and they still can't find the cause of the bursting polyps.") is not.

Save the personal chit chat for: a) the right people and b) the right time.

Work time is not the time to bare your soul. (Or polyps.) After work, with a trusted friend, partner, or tenth date might be okay.

Also, please, clueless people, please just sit back for a moment and observe body language. Your office mate with his coat on, briefcase closed, heading out the door to pick up his kid does not want to, nor does he have time to, hear about how stressful it was for you to discover that Just Tires only had three of your Goodyears in today, not the four you needed.

The co-worker who's making tea with her head down and shoving her mouth full of cookies probably needs to get back to her desk for good reason. So, no, she doesn't want to share her cookies, and no, sorry, but she doesn't want to hear about the check you bounced last week.

I'm not saying we can't have close friendships or trusted confidantes at work. We can -- in fact, it's a good thing. But if someone a) isn't a trusted confidante, or, b) needs to get to work (or to their kid, or some other pressing commitment), no need to share your deepest darkest.

Try, instead, something like, "I'm fine, thanks. Weekend was rough, but maybe we can talk at lunch?" And leave it.

Solicitations, part deux: Child labor

One of my lovely followers (and cool blogger) Iapetus999 fully admits that he's brought his kid to the office to go around and make sales. He poses a good question:

What is the proper etiquette for the reverse situation...when kids (or parents) come up to you? Blow them off or politely buy a small amount? Report them to the manager?

Erm. EB is conflicted here:

• On one hand, I think it's good when kids sell things, because the experience simultaneously teaches them about professionalism, entrepreneurship, sales, and rejection. I love buying lemonade from kids on the street.
  
• On the other hand, hardly anyone can bear to say "no" to a kid (unless it's this kid), and might feel pressured.

One doesn't have to be so rude as to "blow them off," but if you don't want the product, a simple, "No thanks, but I appreciate you asking!" will do. If you want to make a purchase, purchase away!

I'd say reporting the offending kid (or parent) seems a bit harsh, a step that should only be taken if the pint-sized sales are becoming disruptive and work can't get done. A word to the manager along the lines of, "Hey, just so you're aware, Nick's kid is my cube and won't stop singing Christmas Carols until I tip her. It's sorta making the conference call with Tokyo difficult."

So far, I haven't heard of any offices that have strict "no kids selling/no solicitations" policies in place, but if everyone brought their kids to work to sell, well, that might make a dent in productivity.

A large part of etiquette is making others feel comfortable (read: not uncomfortable), and sometimes a sales situation will invoke that pressure (see yesterday's post). In these economic times, I suggest we all step back a bit and not make anyone feel like they have to fork over. At the same time, though, I'm not for kiboshing the spirit of the small salespeople.

So let's do this: like most things in life, everything in moderation.

Thanks for writing!

Everyone, enjoy the three-day weekend, and don't forget your summer etiquette out there.

No solicitations at work, please

Staying on the office theme: It's not cool to solicit donations or sales at work.

No, you can not ask for contributions for a charity (even if the company as a whole is supporting it or doing some sort of Christmastime project), and tread lightly before asking co-workers to buy your little darling Susie's Girl Scout cookies.

Here's why: soliciting funds from co-workers, no matter how good your intentions, puts the co-worker in an awkward spot, and essentially in a lose-lose situation. Here's what's going through coworker's head: "Geez, I don't really want to support Mitt Romney. But Dave's my boss. Can't say no to the boss."

Or: "Ugh, I don't need an 80th box of Thin Mints. And I'm having trouble paying my gas bill this month. But I don't want Sara to be mad at me. Okay, $4, I'll fork it over. Now I resent her."

Also, when it comes to soliciting funds for political or even charitable causes, depending on the circumstances, you're likely crossing some ethical lines.

Here's what is okay: You have a form/catalog/whatever. You discreetly, or perhaps in a short email (sent only using bcc!) inform a handful of coworkers, "Susie's got Girl Scout cookies. I've got the form. Stop by my desk if you're interested. Thanks."

The political donations, though? Keep those out of the workplace, period. In Business Etiquette, we talk about the four things you never discuss in a business situation: Religion, Politics, Money, and S-E-X.

Shared space? Clean up.

What is it about communal areas -- the office kitchen, conference rooms, apartment laundry areas -- that make people think it's okay to leave detritus behind?

Is it laziness?

Or is it the thought of, "If I ignore it, it will go away"? Or is it, "If I leave crap here, someone else will be so bothered, they'll clean it up. I'm far too important for janitor work."

I work in a shared office space, which means no one has an assigned desk - we come and go when we need to work (or not). You can't get access to the office until you take a tour and agree to the rules, one of which is, "When you use the dishes, put them in the dishwasher. If dishwasher is full (of clean dishes), you then either: a) empty it, and add your dirty dish, or; b) hand-wash and put it away."

Simple, right? You'd think a handful of Phds and high-school grads could grasp that one. Apparently not. As I type, a stack of dirty plates graces my office kitchen. These geniuses need gentle reminding all the time. Maybe not-so-gentle would have greater effect?

And it's not just the whole kitchen-dishes-microwave thing. I'll start my day by choosing a desk, and set down my laptop only to find a gaggle of cookie crumbs from who-knows-who carrying all sorts of germs.

Look, when you're in a common area: office, kitchen, laundry, whatever, it's simple: you spill it; you wipe it up. You dirty it, you clean it.

Like most good behavior, taking care of your surroundings expresses that you care about them; it's showing a sense of pride.

So what do you feel like saying? "I like this space" or "This space is trash...and I am too!"

Netiquette

"Netiquette" is etiquette for the internet; usually applied to email. Today we're doing email.

Lesson 1: Write appropriately, and punctuate appropriately, especially if this is business communication.

Translation: when communicating at work, you're at work, not in junior high, and your message should read as such.

Good ideas, so you don't piss off your reader or your boss:

• Avoid using emoticons (the "smiley" or "frowny" faces). It's just not professional.
  
  
• Punctuation????? Less is more!!! Even if you ARE really excited??? You only need one exclamation point! Asking a question? One question mark. Ending a sentence? One period. Period.
  
  
• AVOID USING ALL CAPS. All caps means you are SHOUTING, and, yes, it's considered RUDE.
  
  
• Re-read every email you are about to send, yes, even the two-word email that says: "thank you." You don't want it to go out saying "thank yo."
  
  
• Re-read every email you are about to send.
  
  
• Use sepll chcek evry tme.
  
  
• No, txt abbrs r nt ok. Type out words fully, even if you are emailing from a handheld. This isn't eighth grade, remember?
  
  
• Never forget that this is business communication, no matter where your email originates from. Translation: no, you can't let typos go just because you're on a handheld.

Little things mean a lot, especially in the workplace. Take it from someone who works with VPs and CEOs all the time -- your constant email foibles will keep you from being promoted.

A version of this article originally appeared on The Examiner.

Bk 2 wrk - txtng @ dsk = bad

Yes, I know, you're just sending a quick message to T-Bone. And Sherri needs to know what color nail polish you're wearing to the cocktail party on Friday. Such matters are pressing, and the world will stop spinning if you don't respond within 30 seconds.

But employees of the world, put down those cell phones/Crackberries/Treos -- whatever you're texting on -- between 9 and 5 (or whatever your work hours are. This includes you, Walgreen's cashiers and Jewel Deli Workers).

My good friend Manager X related his story of the week: "I had to talk to two of my employees about their texting at work -- because whenever I passed their desks -- and I mean every time -- there they were--" [makes gesture of head bent over a crackberry, typing away with thumbs.]

"How'd they take it?" I asked.

"One was polite, and promised it won't happen again. The other said, 'But I-- It was just this once!!' and I reminded him that, no, it wasn't 'just this once.' He was upset, but I need him to do his job--not talk to his friends all day."

You're being paid to work, think, and solve problems. During the workday, your personal communication device needs to be stashed away. Text on your personal time -- at lunch, or if you step outside for a break. I promise you that T-Bone and Sherri can wait to hear from you, and the world will keep spinning.

Oh, and outside of work? No texting while driving, either. It's dangerous, and you're holding up the 3,000 people behind you. I've seen it.

A version of this article originally appeared in the Chicago Examiner.

On the phone at the office

Some simple guidelines for using your phone at the office - whether it's the office phone or your cell phone.

Just because you've been around one your whole life doesn't mean you know how to use it properly (ie, not annoy anyone).

When taking calls at work...

• Keep your voice to a respectable level. Not whisper-quiet, but not so loud that we hear you gabbing about Pinella's latest trade 2 cubes over.
  
  
• Keep your cell phone on "vibrate" or on the "soft" setting. No one likes to be hard at work only to be startled by a tinny rendition of "In Da Club."
  
  
• Limit the personal calls. You're on company time, not your own.
  
  
• If you do need to take an involved, personal call on your cell, step into a private area like a conference room. Your co-workers don't need to hear you fighting with your teenage daughter or about your prostate results.
  

Key word: respect. Have respect for those around you, and for the fact that this is a workplace. I shudder when I recall some of the gruesome, TMI conversations I've overheard at work.

Just hangin' out

One of the most grievous offenses in the office is the impromptu meeting that somehow takes place at the admin's desk...and doesn't include, involve, or interest the admin.

(I say "admin" because that seems to be whom these offenses tend to fall upon, but really, this example could be anyone at a desk, in a cubicle farm.)

Here's how it usually goes: Workers A, B, and C somehow find themselves together in a cubicle aisle, realize they need to discuss the all-important TPS Reports, and congregate wherever they happen to be -- which is usually beside or in front of another co-worker's desk. Then they yap for 30 minutes about the cover sheets on the TPS Reports.

Guess what--this disturbs the Desk Dweller (and probably others around her) who need to get work done!

Now, the simple etiquette lesson says that Desk Dweller, who has committed no rudeness of her own, should say, "Excuse me, I need to get some work done. Would you mind taking the conversation elsewhere?"

And it sounds good on paper, but let's add a few real-life factors into the scenario:

Worker A is her boss.
Worker B is her boss's boss.
Worker C is the VP above both of them.

Desk Dweller has been holding her breath for a promotion for the last month, and doesn't want to piss any of them off. She also works in a button-down company where speaking up for yourself will delay that next promotion by a good two years or more.

So, hardly an ideal scenario. The snarky side of me wants to say that Desk Dweller should then get on an imaginary phone call and begin to discuss imaginary rectal exam results with her imaginary doctor.

Best solution: Don't have cubicleside meetings. Yes, I know your company is pressed for space and no one can get a conference room. Grab someone's empty office. Go down to the coffee room. See (actually try and see) if a conference room is free for 10 minutes, and go gab. Go to the cafeteria. Take off and hit Starbucks.

But please let the poor admin and her brethren get some work done.

Remember: a key to good etiquette is to think of others around you. When you demonstrate respect for others, you're demonstrating respect for yourself.

Now get back to work. And finish those TPS reports!

Now onto business...

My head's been stuck around weddings and things we see out and about everyday.

Ah, but most of us still need to go to work five days a week. Or more, given the current economy. So let's talk about how to comport ourselves in the office, shall we?

Notice that there are others around you -- and what you do and say more than likely affects them (just as their actions do you).

Cubicle farms are places where, if anything, etiquette and good manners need to play a starring role more so. Oh, sure, I can forgive the twit who didn't show at my wedding, but the guy who clips his fingernails five feet away from me? Never.

In the office, think about what you're doing and how it may be perceived -- even if you don't agree with the perception.

Offenses against common decency I've witnessed:

• Nail clipping in the office (not the restroom, the office)
  
• Smelly food cooked and eaten at the desk
  
• Loud personal conversations - in person or on the phone
  
• Conversations held while hanging around someone's desk -- someone who is trying to work
  

I'll expand on these and other acts of rudeness as the week progresses. Any workplace rudeness you've witnessed that you want to get of your chest? Tell me in the comments.

Until next time, eat your smelly food in the lunch room.

Email and Text Never Die.

File this one under a "business" and "personal" etiquette lesson:

1. Watch what you say in electronic communication.

2. If you have something important to communicate (such as "You're fired," "You piss me off," "No, I'm not giving you your money," "I'm dumping you," etc.) do it in person -- not via email or text.

Emails and text messages can and will come back to haunt you. From an etiquette perspective, communicating important or (worse yet) hurtful or angry messages via electronic media is just downright disrespectful. There is a person on the receiving end.

It's appalling that there have been firings and breakups via text message.

And, leaving good manners out of it for a minute, should the receiver ever need to circle back to you, say, in court, you wouldn't want these nasty missives shown to the judge, now would you? This happens all the time on The People's Court and the myriad court shows out there.

Now, for those of you who have some sort of legal bent, such as, "at my job we have to document everything," that's fine, as long as it's done professionally and without attack. But those personal messages? Communicate in person.

I once received a nasty email telling me how "miserable every aspect" of my wedding was, and how the letter-sender "was sorry she had to sit through it." Don't worry, EB has never forgotten this person -- and will never extend kindness to her, either. And yep, the email still exists.

So, today's lesson:

1. When you have something important to communicate, do it in person.
2. If you must document your communication, be polite and leave the negativity out of it.
3. Email and text messages never die.

Got it? Good.