Please don't act like you know me then spam me

I realize that putting one's self out there in cyberspace and publishing one's email address is going to open one (me and every other blogger/writer/douchebag) up to a lot of unsolicited email. And crap. That's fine. That's why the spam folder exists (thank the web gods).

But for the love of pete, please don't cyber-stalk someone (like the person in the example below did), pretend to have some sort of connection or valid reason for writing to them, and hit them up for sales. It's tacky and a waste of the reader's time. Plus, you'll piss off the reader for pretending to have a valid reason for contacting her. And she'll blog about you and tell everyone else to mark you as "Spam."

Here's what I got from someone named Melanie claiming to know someone I know. All the typos are hers alone, as I did a straight-on copy & paste, with minimal editing:

subject: I got your email from XXXX [writer]'s site


Hi! I love XXX and love her site and her XXX book. she is my inspiration.


I started a business www.ispampeopleidon'tknowcauseimajerk.com about 2 yrs ago. I then started a second business with [product] and I am running that as my main business now.

(EB says: And I care, why?)

I found the most amazing [MLM] that I now sell accounts to and basically ask anyone I can if they want to sell too and make some extra money. You need to have a computer and so that is why I contact a lot of people online, 'cause I know you have a computer!

(EB SAYS: What makes you think I have a computer? Because I blog? For all you know, I sneak this shit in at my day job, and email at night from the free Library computers.)

[LONG DESCRIPTION OF THE MLM SHE SELLS FOR AND HOW I CAN TRY IT "FOR FREE!"]

I know this is strange to contact you this way, but I tell as many people as I can about my new business, so if you aren't interested just delete this email and I won't contact you again.

(EB SAYS: Please don't. Ever. Thanks.)

If you want me to mail you a sample, email me your real address and I will send you one.

[EB SAYS: Right, like I'm going to send my address to a complete stranger. Are you also a Nigerian prince who has a great investment for me?]

So, folks, got it? I don't give a crap if you've started a new business and the training they give you tells you to reach out to everyone in the most unconventional ways (I used to sell that shit -- I know how it goes). Don't pester those who probably don't want what you're selling!

Why I hate "people-of-cheap-store"

In case you haven't heard, there's this blog. It makes fun of, shall we say, not-so-attractive people (and cars) at the world's largest discounter.

First off, I don't know why big discounter (who, no, I don't like, either) isn't suing. I've studied photography, and the legalities of it, and to go into a business and photograph the property and anything in/on it is, technically, illegal.

And, no, I'm not above poking fun at WT myself. Ages ago, upon moving from Oh-So-Sophisticated San Francisco to Middle-America Indiana, I was appalled at the lack of class (and amount of girth) displayed at my local department store.

But I didn't broadcast it to the world.

And here's the thing: yes, those folks on that insulting blog may not be as attractive as your average ex-frat boy on the train, heading to his workaday 9 to 5 job. And, no, I probably wouldn't care to have a coffee with any of them, either.

But they're still people. And while those photographed might make some unfortunate hair or fashion choices, they are still people with feelings.

I've never had a taste for anything that intentionally aims to be mean-spirited. For that matter, I've long had a distaste for anything that, after 2 minutes, is boring.

And the blog to which I refer definitely falls into that category. Given the media-addicted public's fickle and ever-changing taste, I can only hope that those being insulted won't be much longer.

Politcs and facebook

A reader writes:

"What are your thoughts are on politics and Facebook? The health-care political debate has people talking politics now more than ever ...Recently one friend noted 'X doesn't log into Facebook to read political rants.' Now, same person also has shared the size and scope of his daily constitutional before (a topic about which I never log in to read), but it did bring up a question for me. Is it cool to write about political topics on Facebook?

For me, so long as it's civil, politics are certainly something one can discuss amongst friends and given the technological capability to ignore updates from people in FB, I don't see the harm. Am I off-base here?"

Just so I'm clear, your friend talks about the size and scope of his daily walks? Or were you euphemizing something else?

You bring up an excellent question. What does etiquette have to do with facebook? Well, everything. And those who post online (anywhere) need to be mindful of a) the message they are posting, b) who might see it, and, c) how it might be perceived -- or how it might affect the poster.

Certainly, everyone's entitled to his or her opinion. But there's a difference between, "Go Candidate Q!" (showing support) and, "[Name of political 'party' throwers] can suck it!" (insulting).

You are correct, that given the features of facebook, we can just click "ignore" on anyone's feeds, so if your friend X doesn't want to read political rants, s/he can use that feature.

But, but, but...there's that whole perception problem. What if you just want to express a civil thought about your preferred candidate/piece of legislation/health care reform? Go ahead, but know that it might be seen by others who hold sway over you...and who might be offended, innocent as your post is.

No, you're not off-base, but I can't help but wonder if political discussions aren't best held in person, over a bottle of Pinot with a plate of cheese and fruit. Or, hell, over beer and pizza.

So here's my bottom line on politics and facebook: tread lightly. When in doubt, don't.

I don't need to see the email addressess of your 1,000 friends

There's this field in email called "bcc." Learn how to use it properly and not annoy the hell out of your friends.

"BCC" stands for "blind carbon copy" and it's a hangover from the old typewriter days. (Click here if you don't know what a typewriter is.)*

What it means: The person(s) listed in the "to" or "cc" field don't see the names/emails of anyone in the "bcc" field. In corporate america, this is great for sending secret/confidential information.

Out here in the real world, "bcc" is great when you have more than a few folks to email, i.e., more than four.

When sending out mass emails for your Tupperware party, improv show, Super Bowl party, bachelor/bachelorette party, book club, job lead, request for job leads -- you catch my drift -- send one copy to yourself, and list your myriad contacts in the "bcc" field.

Why?

Well, as is a good practice, put yourself in your reader's shoes. No one likes to get an email, open it, and then have to scroll for 2 pages past all the "to:" emails. Plus, the reader is also thinking, "Great, now all these people I don't know can contact me. I thought that's what facebook was for."

Now, once your friends pick up on this tip and start sending you clean emails, you have a responsibility as the recipient in the "bcc" field.

Do not hit "reply to all" if you're a "bcc." (You can tell you're a "bcc" if you look up at your name. It will say: "bcc: [Your Name/email].")

Why? Because the initial recipients aren't supposed to know you received this email. Secondly, mass "reply to all"s are annoying as fuck.

I once sent an email to a client of mine, recommending the services of my friend "Alex." I put "Alex" in the "bcc" field so he would know I was referring business to him. "Alex" then did a stupid thing and hit "reply to all" and addressed my client, asking for a sales meeting. Oh, I was pissed.



* I am genuinely surprised that a) typewriters are still manufactured, b) they are expensive, and c) one model is actually on backorder and not due in until Halloween of this year. Yikes!

More netiquette

"Netiquette" (Internet + Etiquette) isn't just for emails...it's for -- duh! -- the internet.

When posting in chatrooms, forums, message boards, any where on line:

• Keep it clean.
  
  
• Even if you feel like swearing (yes, I know I likes my cusses, but it's my blog, dammit.), don't find some creative way to hide your swear in another word or with funky spacing. Your post will likely get deleted or blocked anyway.
  
  
• Resist the urge to flame other posters. Would you say that to the poster's face if he/she were right in front of you? Yeah, I didn't think so. (If you just said "Yes I would," then I dare you to go walk over to a coworker right now, and say something nasty ("Hey genius! Nice comment!") with a sarcastic, snarky tone. See what happens.)
  
  
• Don't ramble. No one likes a rambler -- in an email, on a voice mail, or in a post.
  
  
• Don't bore the rest of the world by describing your word verification and what you thought of it. Yes, it's effing hilarious that your WV on today's Cakewrecks was "putrefied" and that's what you thought of the photo. The rest of us don't care.
  

Netiquette

"Netiquette" is etiquette for the internet; usually applied to email. Today we're doing email.

Lesson 1: Write appropriately, and punctuate appropriately, especially if this is business communication.

Translation: when communicating at work, you're at work, not in junior high, and your message should read as such.

Good ideas, so you don't piss off your reader or your boss:

• Avoid using emoticons (the "smiley" or "frowny" faces). It's just not professional.
  
  
• Punctuation????? Less is more!!! Even if you ARE really excited??? You only need one exclamation point! Asking a question? One question mark. Ending a sentence? One period. Period.
  
  
• AVOID USING ALL CAPS. All caps means you are SHOUTING, and, yes, it's considered RUDE.
  
  
• Re-read every email you are about to send, yes, even the two-word email that says: "thank you." You don't want it to go out saying "thank yo."
  
  
• Re-read every email you are about to send.
  
  
• Use sepll chcek evry tme.
  
  
• No, txt abbrs r nt ok. Type out words fully, even if you are emailing from a handheld. This isn't eighth grade, remember?
  
  
• Never forget that this is business communication, no matter where your email originates from. Translation: no, you can't let typos go just because you're on a handheld.

Little things mean a lot, especially in the workplace. Take it from someone who works with VPs and CEOs all the time -- your constant email foibles will keep you from being promoted.

A version of this article originally appeared on The Examiner.