Be nice to your host

When visiting someone else's home, be it for a party, and overnight stay, whatever, Rule #1 is to be nice to your host.

Don't like something? Don't comment. This is just balls-out rude. Yes, I know, the food may not be to your liking; you're an alkie and she's a teetotaler; or her "remove the shoes" rules don't mesh with yours. Unless s/he's causing you bodily harm, keep quiet.

Offensive guest-to-host behaviors I've seen:

• Drunken guest removing artwork off the host's walls and parading it around the home, providing verbal commentary as he walked.
  
• Blunt guest telling host, "Your salsa's too warm. Maybe consider the freshness factor in the future."
• Unshod guest complaining about shoe-removal rule all night long. Loudly.
  

Should hosts sometimes make exceptions for guests? Yes, absolutely. I personally can not remove my shoes due to a foot injury -- so I always carry an extra "clean" pair to a party.

If you have a special request for your host, let him or her know ahead of time, or take your host aside and mention said request.

But rude commentary on food, drink, artwork? Not cool.

The More (Not Always) the Merrier

When an invitation is extended to you -- no matter how casual or formal the event -- the invitation is only for those to whom it was addressed.

It is impolite to ask, "Can I bring [name of additional guest here]?"

If you are indeed wondering if you can bring your charming friend, mother, dog, etc., word it something like this:

"We'd love to come, but my mother will be visiting that Saturday. "

"Your party sounds great, but we've got Jack and Jill visiting from Europe."

Then be quiet and see what the host says.

This guideline applies across the board for all types of parties -- including weddings. If your children were not invited, do not bring them. If your significant other was not on the invite, it means she/he was not invited. Note that these exclusions, 90% of the time, are not personal.

You can not and should not know a host's reason for limiting invitees. It may be monetary, there may be a certain group dynamic going on, she may need exactly 10 for her Human Rope activity, or perhaps a surprise intervention is planned.

Asking to bring extra guests puts the host in an awkward position: she has to find a way to tell you "no" without pissing you off and creating extra tension when you (hopefully) do show up at her shindig. She's afraid of alienating you, but also wants to keep her party dynamics the way she planned.

And never, ever, ever ask if you can bring your pets. This creates the same awkward situation, and adds one more responsibility to the host's plate. Yes, I know your pooch is a little darling who won't disturb a soul. That's not the reality, and it's not your house.

It is okay to bring along others is if the party notice arrived via eVite, and the "invite other people" feature is turned on, or if the host (or invitation) specifically said, "guests/dates/children, etc. welcome."

Host's house=host's rules. Respect them. If it's too much for you attend without your mom/out-of-town friend/significant other/cat/landlord, etc., then don't attend.

Bringing and Receiving Wine: Guests and Hosts

There seems to be a lot of confusion over whether guests should bring wine, and what should be done once the vino is proffered.

Let's straighten this out, shall we?

It's nice to bring wine, whether or not the host asked. As a host, it's okay to have a BYOB party. Keep reading to know what not to do in both sitches.

For the Guest

Scenario #1: You're invited to a dinner party. Host has asked for nothing, but you bring a bottle of wine.

First off, good on you for the nice manners. A certain etiquette columnist scoffs at the idea of bringing wine as "admission" to a dinner party. I don't think anyone thinks of it as "admission," merely the right thing to do.

Didn't your mom ever teach you, "never show up empty handed"? If she didn't, you should have at least heard this from Deepak Chopra.

When you're a dinner guest, it's nice to bring something--dessert, wine, even a nice card. Conventional wisdom says, "don't bring flowers -- it's extra work for the host!" but I disagree. I love flowers, I love people who bring me flowers, I love bringing my friends flowers.

For the Host and Guest

But back to the wine. When nothing was requested, the good host will thank you, and perhaps put it out, or she may set it aside. It's also nice if the host asks, "Would you like me to open this now?" The proper response is something along the lines of, "Whatever you want." It's rude to make a host feel like she HAS to open and drink your bottle right there. Besides, what if she's a recovering alcoholic?

If you're the host, never ever do what Jan on "The Office" did and say, "Oh, good, we'll use this for cooking."

Also, if you've brought wine, do not, under any circumstances, ask for or take it back at the end of the night. It's classless, and looks cheap. I once hosted a dinner where we could not open all the wine that was brought. I was once told by one guest, on her way out the door, "Go ahead and keep the wine." Um, yeah, I was planning to do exactly that.

For the Host: BYOB Parties

Scenario #2: You've indicated your party is BYOB (acceptable) and everyone brings wine.

Leave it out for partygoers to enjoy.

I once attended an engagement party where we were told on the invite, "Bring wine or presents." Okay, demanding anything is rude, but I played along and brought a nice vintage. I arrived, handed my wine to the host, and watched as she promptly turned and stowed it in her liquor cabinet for her personal use. Rude.

So, got it? Bring wine as a nice gesture; as the host, leave it out. Good.

Rule #1 for Rude Hosts

Okay folks, listen up. Time to behave when you throw a party.

Today I'm starting with hosts. Don't worry, I'll butcher the rude guests in later posts.

Lesson #1 -- for all occasions -- do not ask for money. EVER. It's rude, it's uncouth, and it makes your event feel like a shakedown, not a celebration.

I don't care if you're getting married, you're both over 30, and "have everything you need."
Too bad. It's rude to ask for money -- any time, any reason. And don't even get me started on those stupid "dollar dances," wherein guests must pay for the "privilege" of dancing with the bride (or groom. I hear they can go either way).

And no, by cloaking your request in a "sweet little poem" does not make it any less rude. I was appalled to stumble upon a website offering "cute, polite ways to ask for money." The most offensive one I saw included the lines, "please do not take us wrong/..../please play along." Boy, asking your guests to "play along" with your childish whims -- that's a good one! Hoo-doggie!

I don't care if you threw a lavish party and "it was really expensive." Host the party you can afford, cheapskate. Or host a potluck.

Similarly, it is rude to ask for gifts -- or ask for specific gifts. Recently, Etiquette Bitch was invited to a baby shower with this directive on the invite: "No Baby Clothes!" Gee, I was about to spend time, energy and money on this joyous occasion, and you have the gall to tell me how to spend my money? Uh-uh, sister.

Have you ever been shaken down by a host? Any rude requests, or manners questions you have for me? Email me: etiquetteB@gmail.com