Where do manners apply?

Apparently, everywhere.

I'm being a little sarcastic, a little tongue-in-cheek. Yes, I get pissed off when some trash-talker is dropping the f-bomb every two seconds behind me in the checkout line at Target. Someone swears on their blog, podcast or via twitter? I'm not so bothered.

But if I see a blog entry with the F-word or S-word every few words, I'm thinking this is a classless a-hole.

There's no hard-and-fast twitiquette rule for how much you can or can't swear, just as long as you do it in less than 140 characters.

Facebook, on the other hand, will make you enter a Captcha code if you're a little too judicious with your swearing.

So be mindful. When are cuss words allowed? Not in public, but sometimes in private (or online) for emphasis.

Garbage goes in -- shocker! -- garbage cans

I don't want to shop among your garbage.



Just because every store now has a coffee shop in it, and just because they are kind enough to let you drink and eat while you shop, doesn't mean the store is your personal dumpster.

Throw your effing garbage OUT. Find a trash can. I promise you there are about five by the doors, two near the bathrooms, one behind every cashier station, and, oh yeah, about three in that coffee shop where you purchased your now-garbage.

I don't buy that everyone is this "forgetful." Try "lazy." Resist the urge to be a lazy-ass, and carry your disgusting, used, ful-of-your-germs beverage cup a whopping two feet, and throw it out. Thank you.

I didn't want to really know

Please learn when niceties (e.g., "how are you?" reply: "fine.") are appropriate, and when the truth (e.g., "how's it going?" reply: "Not great. I just had my second rectal exam and they still can't find the cause of the bursting polyps.") is not.

Save the personal chit chat for: a) the right people and b) the right time.

Work time is not the time to bare your soul. (Or polyps.) After work, with a trusted friend, partner, or tenth date might be okay.

Also, please, clueless people, please just sit back for a moment and observe body language. Your office mate with his coat on, briefcase closed, heading out the door to pick up his kid does not want to, nor does he have time to, hear about how stressful it was for you to discover that Just Tires only had three of your Goodyears in today, not the four you needed.

The co-worker who's making tea with her head down and shoving her mouth full of cookies probably needs to get back to her desk for good reason. So, no, she doesn't want to share her cookies, and no, sorry, but she doesn't want to hear about the check you bounced last week.

I'm not saying we can't have close friendships or trusted confidantes at work. We can -- in fact, it's a good thing. But if someone a) isn't a trusted confidante, or, b) needs to get to work (or to their kid, or some other pressing commitment), no need to share your deepest darkest.

Try, instead, something like, "I'm fine, thanks. Weekend was rough, but maybe we can talk at lunch?" And leave it.

Please don't act like you know me then spam me

I realize that putting one's self out there in cyberspace and publishing one's email address is going to open one (me and every other blogger/writer/douchebag) up to a lot of unsolicited email. And crap. That's fine. That's why the spam folder exists (thank the web gods).

But for the love of pete, please don't cyber-stalk someone (like the person in the example below did), pretend to have some sort of connection or valid reason for writing to them, and hit them up for sales. It's tacky and a waste of the reader's time. Plus, you'll piss off the reader for pretending to have a valid reason for contacting her. And she'll blog about you and tell everyone else to mark you as "Spam."

Here's what I got from someone named Melanie claiming to know someone I know. All the typos are hers alone, as I did a straight-on copy & paste, with minimal editing:

subject: I got your email from XXXX [writer]'s site


Hi! I love XXX and love her site and her XXX book. she is my inspiration.


I started a business www.ispampeopleidon'tknowcauseimajerk.com about 2 yrs ago. I then started a second business with [product] and I am running that as my main business now.

(EB says: And I care, why?)

I found the most amazing [MLM] that I now sell accounts to and basically ask anyone I can if they want to sell too and make some extra money. You need to have a computer and so that is why I contact a lot of people online, 'cause I know you have a computer!

(EB SAYS: What makes you think I have a computer? Because I blog? For all you know, I sneak this shit in at my day job, and email at night from the free Library computers.)

[LONG DESCRIPTION OF THE MLM SHE SELLS FOR AND HOW I CAN TRY IT "FOR FREE!"]

I know this is strange to contact you this way, but I tell as many people as I can about my new business, so if you aren't interested just delete this email and I won't contact you again.

(EB SAYS: Please don't. Ever. Thanks.)

If you want me to mail you a sample, email me your real address and I will send you one.

[EB SAYS: Right, like I'm going to send my address to a complete stranger. Are you also a Nigerian prince who has a great investment for me?]

So, folks, got it? I don't give a crap if you've started a new business and the training they give you tells you to reach out to everyone in the most unconventional ways (I used to sell that shit -- I know how it goes). Don't pester those who probably don't want what you're selling!

I'm Hot on ChicagoNow!

Cool to be one of ChicagoNow's Hot Blogs of the Day.

In case you haven't been following, it's a new year, and that means the gyms are packed with New Year's Resolutioners...who get in your way, show up late, and make the workout experience miserable for many of us regulars.

Don't want to be sneered at? Then follow these workout etiquette guidelines. I'll letcha stand next to me at dance class.

Mind your manners tonight - New Year's Eve

No doubt, plenty of you will be socializing tonight, either at a bar, at a party, or taking in a movie and popcorn.

And no doubt, someone else (not you) will say something incorrect or just plain wrong. Heck, they may even commit a tiny social faux-pas, such as ordering a drink from a different waiter.

Your urge will be to correct them, either by explaining they have their facts wrong ("The 'h' in 'Thames' is silent") or that they broke a social taboo ("You don't order drinks from another waiter.").

Resist this urge. It's impolite to correct someone in public. If this is your mate/partner/significant other/sister/brother/mom/dad/you see where I'm going with this -- you may correct them privately, after the festivities. But do it in a lighthearted, loving way.

When is it okay to correct someone in public? If they're drunk, and insist on driving home. The right response is, "No, you're not, and I'm calling you a cab."

Have a fun, safe, polite New Year's Eve, everyone!

Cheers, and I'll see you in 2010.

When the gift is a duplicate

So you open the shiny wrapping paper to reveal...the Rufus Wainwright CD that you already have. (Yes, I know, everyone's downloading music these days, and even The Most Evil Retailer shrunk its music space...bear with me for the sake of a story.)

Don't be a jerk -- now or any other time of the year. "I already have this," while true, is not the correct response.

Pick your poison -- say/do one or more of the following:

• "Oh how nice! I love [name thing you already own]."
• Keep it. One for the house, one for the summer house.
  
• Donate it. Toys for Tots, Amvets or Howard Brown can certainly make good use of it.
  
• Still in its original packaging? Perhaps you can exchange it for some other crap at some large retailer who's especially liberal with exchanges this time of year.

And always, always, follow up with a thank-you note. Not a text. No twitter. No email. No quick, verbal. A hand-written note.

After some time has passed, don't confess, "Oh, I already had that Rufus Wainwright CD. I exchanged it for Animal Collective." Keep mum.

Merry Christmas.

Overheard at the ATM today

[woman in work uniform @ ATM on her cell phone:]

"Do you have to be outside? Call me back. I can't hear you with all that noise around you, it's irritating me. Well it is! Call me back! Bye." [hangs up.]

Ah, my smile for the day. Nothing like a little manners smack-down.

Have we learned nothing from Joe Wilson?

Sigh.

There it was again last night, bad manners displayed in full force, onstage at Radio City Music Hall.

The most childish, immature rapper in the world had to go and interrupt Taylor Swift, who was accepting what was rightfully hers.

We wonder would he have done this were it not a woman onstage. Would the most childish, immature rapper in the universe dare if it were Kid Rock or Eminem or Jay-Z up there? My money's on "not."

I'm happy to say Beyonce demonstrated true class, and gave Taylor Swift her moment. For that, she gets a mad props.

In the meantime, if you have kids, or if you're a teacher, let's use this as a teaching moment.

Unless the speaker is causing harm, it's never okay to interrupt someone's speech with a tirade.

Mad props to the polite

Okay, here we go. I had to try really hard this week, but here's what I got:

• A nice threesome of diners leaving a waitress a 20% tip.
• People holding the elevator for one another.
• Drivers who were let into traffic who actually raised a polite hand and said, "Thanks!"
  

Thank you, polite people! You make all the noisy, inconsiderate jerk-offs in this world not matter so much.