Butt out on other people's appearance

Today's "Dear Abby" column revisits a letter about a woman who, as a child, was called "fat" by a friend's father.

Here's the rule, people: Shut the eff up about other people's appearance -- fat, skinny, pregnant, or other.

It's none of your business. And your comments -- no matter how you frame them ("helpful" or "complimentary") -- are just rude, insensitive, and sometimes hurtful.

Never tell an overweight person he or she is overweight, or "could stand to lose a few." They already know this. If they aren't seeking help, it's their own responsibility.

The opposite is also true: don't ever remark on someone's thinness. Yes, I realize that society holds women up to an impossible, ridiculous standard (I personally think Angelina Jolie and Sarah Jessica Parker are 2 of the ugliest women to roam this earth). But your "compliments" such as, "I hate you, you're so thin!" and "Oh, you can eat anything you want--you're so thin!" are offensive. I'm 5'2", 106 lbs., and I've been told how much I "don't need to go to the gym -- you're skinny as it is!" Um, I go to the gym for my health. Ever try it? If every Prozac addict got him/herself on a treadmill three times a week, a lot less of that crap would be sold. I go to the gym to maintain my health -- not to be skinny.

And if you wonder -- for your own gossipy mouth or out of genuine curiosity -- if a woman is pregnant, SHUT THE EFF UP. If a woman is pregnant, she may be keeping it to herself for a host of reasons, none of which are your concern. If she's not, and you open your mouth, you're about to insult her. I've just shared my vitals with you. Now picture me in a tie-back tunic shirt. I love those -- they look good, they hide flaws, they flatter your boobs.

After a workshop last month, a student came up to me and said, "Congratulations! When are you due?"

I had to tell her, then watch with joy as she backpedalled, "I'm not pregnant."

So, you have a thought about someone's body shape, fat, thin, or otherwise? Shut it. Go spend your energy on facebook. Or better yet, at the gym.

Tomorrow's Easter -- do not give any animals

A recent discussion on Carolyn Hax Live got me thinking about pets-as-gifts.

Bottom line: It's never (never, ever!) a good idea.

Taking on a pet is a responsibility that one (or one's parents) needs to choose for him/herself. Giving someone a bunny or chicks at Easter is, honestly, downright stupid and irresponsible. Yes, they're cute, cuddly and adorable -- for about 5 minutes. Every year, animal shelters are flooded with bunnies that the kids "just don't want anymore."

Not to mention, selecting a pet and foisting it on someone is, well, just inconsiderate. You've now dumped a full time responsibility into that person or family's lap. What if all the household heads work full time? What if the family is a single parent with 2 small children that already require full-time maintenance? What if one or more family members travel full time for work? What if there are allergies present? What if they just don't want it?

Giving someone a pet -- dog, bunny, etc. -- just isn't the right thing to do. Target has plenty of candy on sale--go get some of that.

facebook facebook facebook

I'm not terribly in love with facebook, that of-the-moment internet rage. Do I really need to list the reasons? The timesuck, the lack of value it adds to one's day or life (although I have a friend who swears she found her yoga studio via facebook....the same yoga studio her next-door neighbor [me!] attended weekly for four years), etc. etc.

And I'm appalled at the crap and private details people share on facebook. Call me an old fuddy-duddy, but I don't need to see your sonogram photos, nor does the world. (nor is it terribly classe to publicly share such. You can put those in a private "Inbox" message. Oh yes you can.) Your private phone number and security access code you just wrote on Susie's Wall? Yes, I can see that, too.

Wall-to-Wall messages are not private. Comments and Notes are not private. If I'm a friend of your friend, I can see the personal details you write to them. So please stop.

While I'm carping, also know that it's not cool to announce details of your upcoming wedding, bachelor/ette party, etc. if not all of your FB friends are invited. Some might be hurt. Some might wonder -- publicly, on your wall -- why they weren't invited.

There's all sorts of private tools for your use on the internet: Evite, email, or -- shocker -- your private Inbox with Messaging capacity on -- you got it! -- facebook.

Now let's virtually zip those lips.

Texing in the present

Nothing chafes my hide as much as someone texting. I've been racking my brain, trying to think of an example of when text-messaging is polite, and, in truth, unless you're by yourself, with no one around (or possibly on public transportation), then it's okay to text.

Yes, I realize it's quick. Yes, I know it takes you "just a minute."

But when you're spending time with the words on the phone, you're ignoring those around you. This is called "not being present" or "not being in the moment," or just plain "rude."

Yes, I know you are physically there. But once you take your attention away from whatever is happening before you -- to take a cell phone call, to text, to check the sports scores -- you've just taken yourself away from the people and doings in front of you.

And an important life rule to remember is that the person in front of you is always more important than the person (or sports score) on the phone. Any successful sales person knows this -- now, let's all know this. And let's live it.

Never go to someone's house empty-handed

If you're looking for a cheap bottle of wine, or perhaps some candy or flowers, the easiest way to get some is to invite me over to your house. Mom (and Gram) beat it into my head that you never go to someone's house empty handed.

Don't believe my relatives? Then listen to Deepak Chopra, who, in his Seven Laws of Spiritual Success discusses this very principle. Even if you don't have disposable cash, Chopra says, you can write a simple card, telling your host how much you appreciate him/her, or pay your host a simple compliment (free!) when you walk into the house. Example: "It's so nice to see you; I really enjoy visiting with you. Thank you for inviting me over."

But never, ever go empty-handed. I'm so into this, that even when I'm told, "bring nothing," I still have to bring some wine, chocolate, or flowers. Or a compliment.

It's the right thing to do, and it's gracious. Feel free to invite me over. I may just bring you a compliment.

When did rudeness become acceptable?

I'm really pissed off at businesses and marketers who think that rudeness is "okay" or "funny."

There's an ad on TV right now for some Orwellian-like telephone that has a TV screen and internet connection built right in. (Shoot me before I ever have 1984 in my own kitchen.)

In this pathetic ad, a mom reads a recipe from her 1984-device, works hard in the kitchen to make paella for her family, then sends a mass text to tell them, "Paella tonight!" Her asshole of a son, then, video-texts her back saying, "I have no idea what puh-ella is, but I'm NEVER eating it!" (I imagine if the FCC weren't monitoring our every word and wardrobe malfunction, said asshole son would've concluded with, "How dare you make me dinner, You fucking bitch! ")

Crestfallen by her asshole son, Commercial Mom then tosses the paella and orders a pizza. Um, doormat much?

When someone makes you dinner, especially your MOM, you say "thank you" and you eat it, barring life-threatening food allergies. I'm reminded of how I was raised. My gram, ever the devout Catholic, only served fish on Fridays. I've never liked fish. When Fridays rolled around at Gram's, I'd carp (ha! pun intended) and whine, "I don't like fish."

Mom's wise response? "Then don't eat it. Go hungry."

And I did.

Thanks, mom.

Hygiene belongs in the bathroom

How come so few people know this? Hygiene -- that's your primping, cleaning, washing, etc. -- belongs in your bathroom --your bathroom -- and rarely anywhere else.

Why? Because there's bacteria and germs associated with your hair, makeup, nail clippings and eyelashes flying everywhere.

Ladies and Gentlemen -- do not brush or comb your hair on public transport, at a restaurant, or in someone else's car. Or home. Do it at home -- and then leave it. Or sneak into the bathroom. But not out in the open.

Ladies and Gentlemen -- do not clip your nails -- fingernails or toenails -- anywhere but your own home bathroom. No, not even in the gym locker room. (Someone did this the other day in my gym locker room...yecch.) Fingernails are gross. Keep them in your bathroom garbage can. This is never okay at the office.

Ladies -- do not apply makeup in public, and especially not on public transportation. It's unseemly, and gross to those around you. At the sink in a restroom is fine; but not at dinner, with friends, on the train, etc.

And never ever floss in front of other people.

Keep your hygiene at your house. Those around you thank you.

Break Up in Person

There's a terribly entertaining entry in honor of Valentine's Day on Gaper's Block. Read about horrible break ups, and weep or laugh, depending on your sensibility.

I share this with you because some of them are so amazingly rude. I don't care if you're a member of Generation Y, X, or a Boomer -- the only decent way to dump someone is in person. If you're long-distance, okay, you get a pass and are allowed to do it live over the phone.

But you gotta remember, when you have to have a difficult conversation, the only right way to do it is in-person. Dumping someone via text or via your roommate is, well, cruel, and also very rude. Disrespectful.

Remember -- there's a human being on the receiving end of the message. Let's not be a nation of cowards, people.

Need to do some dumping this valentine's day? Do it face to face, or at least call the other person. And, no, you can not do it on voicemail.

At the gym

Sigh. It's that most frustrating time of year again -- the time when all the "New Years Resolutioners" come out of the woodwork and clog up the gyms.

But I'm not so sure it's the Resolutioners I have a beef with. It's any rude person at the gym.

Do you attend a gym or health club? If so, please read below. Yes, this is for you.

Good guidelines for the gym

• Does your health club provide towel service? Yes? Please use one.
  
  
• If you are naked in the locker room and must sit down, put one of those effing towels down FIRST before placing your naked ass on the seat. Your rump-hole is filled with bacteria, and I'm sure most of us would rather not encounter yours.
  
  
• Do not enter any workout class late. Ever. Yes, real life happens, but late arrivals disrupt the class and cause a distraction. Yes, I know you really wanted to attend Yoga for Rudeasses, but walking in late -- even five minutes late-- is a massive disruption. Don't. Just walk your big ass over to a treadmill or the elliptical, and spend the next hour there. Those of us in deep meditation thank you.
  
  
• Besides, you should be arriving early for class to change your shoes, warm up, etcetera.
  
  
• Leave your fucking cell phone in a locker. Nothing's more annoying than someone yapping about his job while you're trying to get some fitness in. Not to mention: talk on your cell while exercising, and you've just killed the effectiveness of what little exercise you're getting.
  
  
• Taking yoga? Shut the fuck up. It escapes me why two people -- men and women alike -- find the need to set up for yoga, and then sit on their mats and talk until class starts. Look around at the start of a yoga class -- people are breathing, meditating, centering themselves. You're wrecking that, Mr. or Ms. Talker. Now shut up and breathe.

I fully expect to see good behavior in action at my gym from now on. If I can actually attend a class without some rude-ass entering late (and the teacher allowing it), I'll know y'all listened.

The line won't go faster just because you get up on me

To everyone who stands behind anyone in line:

Stay the eff back. Yes, go ahead and put your groceries on the conveyor belt (if you happen to be in a grocery store; doing this in a bank, at the DMV, etc., might be bad form), but your toes don't have to touch my heels.

If the person in front of you can feel you breathe, you're wayyyyy too close. Back off.

Many people are protective of their personal space. Many people just don't like you pressuring them forward. Many just don't want to feel shoved out of the grocery line.

So whenever you're in line -- wherever -- wait your turn. It will come, I promise. No minuscule person will sneak into the two feet between you and the person ahead. Just chill. And back off. I don't need you crowding me.

Thank you.