Until we meet again

Well hi there, my amazing readers and listeners.

Today is the last Etiquette Bitch blog post. I have grappled with this for weeks, tried to think of a story to tell (via podcast), tried to think of something funny and touching to say, and the mind just drew a blank.

It's time for me to mosey on. I've loved writing this blog, and even more, I've loved creating the podcasts. I appreciate the feedback and nice words I've recevied from all of you, whether in person at PAB, in the comments, in your emails to me or via your follows -- thank you. Seriously, it has made my day and warmed my heart to know you were listening and/or reading.

I've run out of steam and love for this Etiquette stuff. Like my twitter buddy shoutabyss said, "Based on what I see in the world around me I feel etiquette is a lost cause and a lost art. Sad."

Unfortunately, I had to agree. No matter how many blog posts and podcasts I do, there will still be that cell-phone-talking soccer mom who cuts you off in the parking lot; idiots will still yell at Tony Bennett as he performs; the tween before you at the movies will still talk on her cell phone and hold up the line.

There is something next up for me; it will involve a podcast, for sure. Please stay tuned. Please check back and I'll let you know where I end up. Etiquette Bitch will, indeed, create something new.

And before I end this blog, I just want to say, again, a hearty Thank You to you who read and/or listen. You've made the last three years worthwhile.

Now go enjoy the rest of summer.

Etiquette for public transportation

If you take public transportation (ever!) this is for you. This is just awesome.
Artist Jay Shells got tired of loud-music-blasters, disgusting food eaters, nail-clippers, and proselytizers on the subway...so he did something.

Click here: 5 Dos and Don'ts When Someone Dies

Ah, so many questions after someone passes away.

Is it okay to give money at a wake or funeral? Do I send flowers? Can I just mingle at a wake? Am I supposed to? What should I say to the grieving relatives? Is it okay to ask how someone died? I can wear my ratty gymshoes to the wake, right?

Click the title to find out. It'll cost you 10 m. of your time, about 13 if you listen to the music, too.

Song: Burial, Miike Snow

Click here: Wedding Etiquette -- Those damn bachelorette parties!

Hey folks: It's wedding season, and this is the perfect post for you bachelorettes out there. Today I'm turning the blog over to reader CS 'cause I couldn'ta said it better myself.

My take? Click the title above to hear my thoughts on the bachelorette-parties-at-gay-bars issue. Running time: 6 m 17 s


As a gay man who has had to endure countless bachelorette parties at my local watering hole, I would like to add some advice:

It is incredibly insensitive to celebrate your marriage with a few hundred men who are not allowed to get married. So, in short: don't do it.

If you must, here are some bachelorette-party-at-gay-bar rules:

1. Don't insist that gay men dance with you and then get upset when we refuse. If we wanted to dance with drunk women, we would go to a straight bar.
   
   
2. Don't insist that gay men kiss you and then get upset when we refuse. If we wanted to kiss drunk women, we would go to a straight bar.
   
   
3. Don't order time-consuming (and confusing) drinks and then leave a crappy tip. That is just rude! Similarly, don't order said drink and then stand in the service area and enjoy it. It is bad enough there's a long line behind you; you're now preventing the rest of us from ordering our beer.
   
   
4. Don't assume that because we're gay we find your penis hat/necklace/jewelry/whatever "cute" and want to put our lips on it.
   
   
5. If there are strippers or go-go dancers at the gay bar, don't try to dance with them and keep others away from the "goods."

--C.S.

Thanks, CS. Ladies, stay away from the gay bars. Trust me, it ain't your scene. (Yes, I realize you're keeping hubby secure by partying in a roomful of gay men all night. But it's still rude. Take a cue from The Hip Hop Hippie, and go watch some men dance for your pleasure instead. I'm married, and I'm hitting up Hollywood Men on my next LA trip. So you and your drunk friends can do similarly.)

Click here: Sometimes, we don't need to "Smile!"

You know those annoying people who tell you, "C'mon, it's not that bad, SMILE!" when you're having a crap day? Yeah, this is about them.

You never know what's going on with someone. Yes, in a perfect world, we'd all have positive, upbeat attitudes, no one would ever get cranky, and we'd all get along, hold hands, and sing "Kumbaya." But that's not reality.

So rather than telling someone how to look, how about you smile, and leave the other person alone?

Click the title to listen. Running time: 6 m 20 s.

Click here: The crappiest podcast ever

Well, at least I only waste 4.30 m. of your time.

EB isn't sure if she should carry on...but she had an amazing time at PAB2010. She'll be back for 2011.

Amazing people mentioned in this podcast: Tod Maffin (although he'll be dismayed that she didn't take his advice too well.)

Click the title to listen. 4 m 15 s.

I don't need to smell you

Sigh. If only this sign were posted everywhere, not just at The National Arts Centre in Ottawa.

Etiquette Podcast: What do you say to the double-sipper?

Hey Etiquette Bitch:

This has happened three times this week, so I need to know how to react.

At three different food establishments where they have a self-serve soda machine I have had the person next to me slightly fill their cup, take a drink, then fill it with more soda, take a sip again, fill it again, sip- you get the picture.

I don't care about tasting the soda. What I do care about is they're mouth touches the rim of the cup, then touches the soda release lever.

Is it rude to point this out to them? Should I say nothing to them but tell management they need to disinfect the soda dispenser? Maybe hand them a straw? I bit my tongue three times, but I think I reached my limit. Also, I'm not a sanitizer-obsessed freak. This is just really unhygienic.

--Icked Out Alley

If this were a Seinfeld episode, the perpetrator you describe would be called a "double sipper." What should you say or do? Click the title to find out.


Verbiage Warning: Swearing, yes. C-word? Yes.
Running time: 9 m 45 s



I'm thinking, boycott establishments with soda fountain #2.

A simple "thanks" for holding the door

Hey Etiquette Bitch,

I always make a point of holding the door for the person behind me on entering or leaving a building, as long as they are close behind. If they are too far behind, then holding the door for them may cause them to walk faster, which defeats the purpose of the good mannered behaviour. Almost everyone says "Thank you," and I reply very (maybe too) quietly, "you're welcome."

This happened today at the bank, but the gentleman behind me gave a loud and clear, "Thank you very much sir"- more than the sufficient "thank you" or just, "thanks." He did it again for the second set of doors, only 4 feet behind. I felt a little uncomfortable- his overly polite
thank-you made me feel I had to give him back more than my quiet 'welcome', but I didn't want to overdo it to the degree he had, although I was appreciative of his good manners.

I think we all should be considerate of the person behind, and I get very annoyed if the person in front never even looks and just lets the door close in my face. Is there some sort of rule here, or guideline, on doors and thank yous?

-SD

Hey SD:

Guidelines:

1. It's nice to hold the door for the person behind you.
2. But you don't need to if they are too far behind.
3. When someone does this for you, say "thanks."

In general, if someone is rightbehindyou and you refuse to hold the door open (or at least give it a good shove for them), this is rude.

As for your bank buddy, he was either: 1) shocked by such graciousness, 2) a little bit touched, 3) genuinely effusive, or, 4) a tad sarcastic. Either way, you did the nice, polite thing, and I'd take his reaction as more of a reflection on him, not you.

And good for you for not raising your voice, either. One never knows how the other party will react in these situations.

Kudos on your good manners.

I call fake on Miss Manners

So, some modern etiquette questions abound around the possibility of receiving a penis cake.

I call fake. See what you think:

From KansasCity.com

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is putting on a birthday party for me. I will be turning 57.

His sister has taken up the art of hand-sculpting huge birthday cakes. She has been mastering the art of making huge, 3-foot penises. She recently presented one to her mother-in-law for her birthday. Continue reading....

Etiquette Podcast: Have a Little Respect When Traveling

Just because you're at a hotel doesn't mean you get to act like a hillbilly. Ditto on airplanes. Be a little respectful when you travel. Realize that your voice carries, people need to sleep, and, no, you don't need to grab every fucking seat on the airplane as you walk the aisle.

Click the title to listen.
Running time: ~ 7 m.

Cool blog mentioned today: The Hip Hop Hippie

Etiquette Podcast: Leave the preggos alone. Really.

Yes, I know a baby is a joyous occasion and blah blah blah. But consider that some stranger, especially a stranger who's about to pop out a kid, doesn't necessarily want to hear your comments, your praise, or your unsolicited advice.

Click the title to listen. Running time: 7 m 25 s.

Click here: No "reserving" a chair with all your crap

Notice how there are two empty chairs flanking this studious young man. Apparently, everyone in this bookstore has good manners. Or the bookstore is empty. I dunno. I didn't take the photo.

Apply the "two minute or less" rule when deciding to "reserve" a chair in a public place. Click the post title to listen.

Running time: 4 m 20 s.

Read the original letter that inspired this post. I'm with you, friend!

Got an etiquette beef of your own? Do share. Email me at etiquetteb[at]gmail[dot]com.

Wanna hear me talk in person? Join me in Ottawa at Podcasters Across Borders -- PAB2010. No bitching, just good education!

Urging acts of kindness during the not-so-fun times

Ever notice how people -- people everywhere -- are quick to acknowledge and celebrate the good, fun, happy times? But the minute something not-so-fun, something serious, something a little scary shows up -- everyone's mum and all of a sudden they've got work to do?

Yeah, I've seen it a ton. And it pisses me off.

I'm thinking about office environments, but this extends to social circles as well.

Everywhere I've worked -- offices, restaurants, swimming pools -- everyone jumps up to celebrate the good times: birthdays, pregnancies, new jobs, marriages. Cake, cards, and parties abound.

But the minute someone has a health problem? Or goes on medical leave? Or has a death in the family? It's like, "Who? Suzie? Does she even work here?"



I'm sure many of you have workplaces where everyone's like family, they bought you flowers when you were in the hospital, yadda yadda. (If so, PLEASE tell me about it in the comments or email me. I wanna know.)

So far (I'm lucky) I've only had to deal with the death of a loved one twice in my life.

Both times the response from my workplace-at-the-time was, "When are you coming back?"

Not one sympathy card. Not one "I'm sorry." No one came to the wake, either time. And that shit sucks.

I'm thinking of this now because lately Dear Amy has had a rash of, "I was out with major surgery and not one person from work asked how I was or sent a card" letters.

And I'm so with them. I am of the belief that work buddies are just that -- work buddies. Not that you can't make friends, perhaps even good, true friends, at work. I've seen it happen. Just not to me or anyone I'm close to.

Whether you love your co-workers or not, 40 hours a week is a lot to spend with someone. Work is very important to most people. Some people are so defined by it that any little shake up at work shakes up their whole world.

So if you've got a co worker who was seriously ill (not the flu, I mean hospitalized), had surgery, just experienced a death in the family, any thing kinda sucky -- buy them a damn 99 cent card, get the office to sign it, and toss it on his/her desk. Sincere or not, the gesture will be appreciated.

Of course, you could always sing your co-worker a song:

Happy Mother's Day

For as much as I bitch about having to suffer other people's photos, especially the TMI photos of unborn children, one thing I know for sure: Being a Mother is the hardest fucking job in the world.

So, Moms out there: cheers to you. I hope to eff you get some "you" time today. And, if not, sneak off tomorrow for a drink or dessert by yourself like Frankie did on "The Middle" last week.

And I also want to give a tip of the hat to Betty White. Her hosting gig on SNL was faboo. Not only is she hilarious, but she understands the importance of good manners:

"I'm not going to call people on facebook losers, but that's just because I'm polite."

And I also loved her jab at fb overshare:

"In my day, having to look at pictures of people's vacations was considered punishment."

It still is, Betty. We're just too polite to say it -- on facebook.

Happy Mother's Day, y'all!!!

*Interesting little factoid: Although much was made of Betty White hosting SNL "just in time for Mother's Day!" Ms. White actually has no kids. Love it.

Click here: Some things are better kept private. Like your birthing photos.

Not everyone likes the same things. Imagine what a boring world it would be if everyone only liked baseball and hot dogs. Why, football and Alinea would never exist!

So we all have different tastes. Please be mindful of that and stop sharing every photo of your innards (sonograms) and outtards (vagina) with everyone via Facebook and at the office.

Your kid is amazing, really, s/he is. But know that not everyone can stomach seeing your cha-cha along with your child, age 2 seconds.

Click the post title to listen, and perhaps gain some perspective.

Oh, while we're on it - you wanna see my sonogram of my pre-cancerous cells? I didn't think so.

---

Hey, friends and faithful followers: Please listen to On The Log tomorrow for my interview with the witty and smart John Meadows.

Shout out to my buddy (and fellow Zooey Deschanel Non-Fan) Nachos at Midnight.

And send me your own tales of what pisses you off at etiquetteb [at] gmail [dot] com.

Click here: Leave my kids' photos off your damn facebook page. Please.

Just because technology means you can now share crap with Aunt Myrtle within minutes, doesn't mean you should.

Some people don't want their picture taken. Some people don't want you turning their kids into the next would-be victim on "To Catch a Predator."* So how 'bout respecting some other folks' requests?

Click the post title to listen. Running time: 5 m 30 s.

*"To Catch a Predator" went off the air after they cornered a guy who committed suicide rather than face NBC's cameras. Reruns, if my hotel room TV Guide channel is to be believed, still proliferate on MSNBC. So a more accurate reference would be "20/20" but I haven't watched that since 1984. To me, a more accurate title would be, "Scaring Old White People."

When the guest gets wasted (and pukes)

Hey Etiquette Bitch,

I’ve been absolutely beside myself about a situation that happened in my home a few days ago.

My husband’s nephew and his girlfriend (both supposedly responsible, 22-yr old university students) invited themselves to stay overnight as they were driving through our city. We made dinner, I set the formal dining room table for our family of 5 and our 2 guests. Apparently my husband was over-pouring the wine and I wasn’t paying enough attention, because after dinner the girlfriend proceeded to vomit all over my dining room table and brand new rug.

I was absolutely horrified!

She apologized, retreated to our guest room for the night, and we cleaned the mess up. (I’ll give the nephew some credit – he did help clean up). It was disgusting and I am still in a state of shock about it.

My question is, how does one properly respond to an apology for a totally egregious incident? I said “it’s alright”, but really, it is NOT alright! I feel like I want to burn my beautiful dining room table and new rug. And every time I serve dinner in my dining room in the future I will remember this incident. It’s like she has ruined my dining room which I put so much effort and expense into decorating 2 years ago. What would you have said?

Should try to follow up, or just try my best to forget it ever happened? The next morning she made a lame attempt at an excuse, saying she hadn’t been feeling well for a few days. I didn’t call her on it, but maybe I should have, because then they sat around drinking coffee and chatting for a few hours as if nothing had happened, so obviously my “it’s alright” response made her feel that I bought her excuse and everything was A-OK. (Personally, I would have been so ashamed of myself I would have written a profuse apology and bolted in the middle of the night.)

The nephew’s parents (my husband’s sister, with whom I do not get along with) have invited themselves to our house to stay next weekend. Should this be our dirty little secret or do we let them know what happened during their son’s recent visit? Yes, they are adults legally, and should be responsible for their own actions, but they are students living at home and I assume are still partially supported by their parents. If my 20-yr old son or his girlfriend did something like this I would certainly want to know about it so I could sit them down for a serious talk about unacceptable behavior, consequences and attempting to mitigate the damage.

Thank you in advance for your sage advice.

S.

What do I tell S? Click the title to find out. Running time: 7 m 30 s.

Make it a drinking game: take a chug every time I say "mad props." :) (Yes, my hipness stopped around 1996.)

Got an etiquette dilemma of your own? Email me: etiquetteb [at] gmail [dot] com

Happy May Day

It's May 1. Get outside and enjoy.

Who's my Target? Pharmacy.

Listen up, prescription-picker-uppers and pharmacy employees of the world: Ever hear of a little thing called privacy? Respect it, okay? The world does not need to hear that Grampa Jones is picking up Viagra.

Click "play" below (or click the title above) to listen. Running time: 5 m 6 s.





Have you ever had a nosy/intrusive pharmacy experience? Tell me in the comments.