At the gym

Sigh. It's that most frustrating time of year again -- the time when all the "New Years Resolutioners" come out of the woodwork and clog up the gyms.

But I'm not so sure it's the Resolutioners I have a beef with. It's any rude person at the gym.

Do you attend a gym or health club? If so, please read below. Yes, this is for you.

Good guidelines for the gym

• Does your health club provide towel service? Yes? Please use one.
  
  
• If you are naked in the locker room and must sit down, put one of those effing towels down FIRST before placing your naked ass on the seat. Your rump-hole is filled with bacteria, and I'm sure most of us would rather not encounter yours.
  
  
• Do not enter any workout class late. Ever. Yes, real life happens, but late arrivals disrupt the class and cause a distraction. Yes, I know you really wanted to attend Yoga for Rudeasses, but walking in late -- even five minutes late-- is a massive disruption. Don't. Just walk your big ass over to a treadmill or the elliptical, and spend the next hour there. Those of us in deep meditation thank you.
  
  
• Besides, you should be arriving early for class to change your shoes, warm up, etcetera.
  
  
• Leave your fucking cell phone in a locker. Nothing's more annoying than someone yapping about his job while you're trying to get some fitness in. Not to mention: talk on your cell while exercising, and you've just killed the effectiveness of what little exercise you're getting.
  
  
• Taking yoga? Shut the fuck up. It escapes me why two people -- men and women alike -- find the need to set up for yoga, and then sit on their mats and talk until class starts. Look around at the start of a yoga class -- people are breathing, meditating, centering themselves. You're wrecking that, Mr. or Ms. Talker. Now shut up and breathe.

I fully expect to see good behavior in action at my gym from now on. If I can actually attend a class without some rude-ass entering late (and the teacher allowing it), I'll know y'all listened.

The line won't go faster just because you get up on me

To everyone who stands behind anyone in line:

Stay the eff back. Yes, go ahead and put your groceries on the conveyor belt (if you happen to be in a grocery store; doing this in a bank, at the DMV, etc., might be bad form), but your toes don't have to touch my heels.

If the person in front of you can feel you breathe, you're wayyyyy too close. Back off.

Many people are protective of their personal space. Many people just don't like you pressuring them forward. Many just don't want to feel shoved out of the grocery line.

So whenever you're in line -- wherever -- wait your turn. It will come, I promise. No minuscule person will sneak into the two feet between you and the person ahead. Just chill. And back off. I don't need you crowding me.

Thank you.