Aren't we getting just a little too sensitive?

Okay, I'll admit I'm the first to rise up on my haunches when I suffer an injustice in public (like that twitty, rude 11-year old who cut in front of me at my gym last week). But when a stranger offers a pleasantry (so rare these days), why not just smile and accept it, even if it doesn't make sense to you?

I love hearing "Merry Christmas" in December (or hell, any time of year). I bristle inside, but still like hearing, "Happy Holidays." (It tells me said person has been instructed in the evil ways of PC.) Around Xmas one year, I recall reading an advice column in which the letter writer bitched about the glut of displays at Christmastime. She was Jewish, and she hated seeing Christmas Trees, Decorations, and "Merry Christmas" signs at the mall. She thought there should be equal Hanukkah swag. Thinking she may have had a point, I asked my friend Don (who happens to be Jewish) what he thought.

"This is a mostly Christian nation. Get over it," was his take.

I couldn't agree more.

We just had Mother's Day. In 11 days, we stumble upon Father's Day. And, of course, the advice columns are rife with letters such as:

• "My mom died last year! I'm still grieving! How dare the bag boy wish me Happy Mother's Day!"
  

and

• "My son's father is a bum! How dare the cashier tell us 'Have a nice Father's Day tomorrow!'"

Okay, first of all, how is a stranger supposed to know what private hell you are enduring?

They're not. More complaining like this, and pretty soon all small businesses and corporate entities, fearful of lawsuits, will instruct all employees not to say anything ever, and then any semblance of kind wishes will go away. It's bad enough that my Walgreen's cashier is usually eating potato chips and talking on her cell phone while barely managing to scan my items (then gives me the evil eye when I tell her she still owes me $1 in change).

I get "Have a nice Mother's Day!" when I go shopping on the 3rd (or is it 2nd?) Sunday in May. I'm not a mom -- but I enjoy the niceness, so I just smile and say, "Thanks, you too!" regardless of the nice person's gender.

I have a cousin, who, like me, is child-free. We'll usually call each other on these holidays that don't apply to us (Mother's and Father's Day) and wish each other a Happy Whatever, then we have a laugh.

Also, when you think about it, the person who is offended is feeling so because s/he (and I hate to say it, but it usually is a "she") has chosen to attach meaning and emotion to a stranger's words. Words that are, essentially, meaningless. They're on par with "Have a nice day."

Deepak Chopra writes about how we can choose to feel as a result of someone's words. If someone says something to us, it's really our choice to feel offended. We can equally choose to ignore it.

If you choose to be offended, though, I suppose it's also your choice to email as many advice columnists as you choose, and bitch about how you were wronged by someone who doesn't even know you.

More on weddings -- what about all those parties before the wedding?

Q: Who should be invited to a shower or bachelor/bachelorette party?

A: A sampling of people who are invited to the wedding.

Not those who are on your "B" list, not those whom you don't want at the wedding - but you want their money and gifts.

Your showers and pre-parties are not a gift-grab (well, okay, showers technically are). To invite someone to a shower or stag/hen party, and then not include them on the big day, well, that's just impolite.

I will allow for one minor exception: when a celebration is thrown for you by someone else, and is either without your knowledge, or it's understood that this is a context in which it's okay for you to not invite them to the wedding. Example: the girls at the office throw you a luncheon shower, but it's already been made clear that you and your intended are having a small, family-only ceremony. Or your mom threw you a shower (ahem) and invited distant family friends whom you hardly know. (ahem.)
(Variations on this theme are welcome.)

But to expect others to throw you a bachelor/bachelorette party and then exclude them? Rude and unacceptable.

When someone you know is getting married...

...it's possible that you're not invited. Live with it.

Ah, one of the hallmarks of a wedding is that everyone who is not the bride or groom thinks it's about them. I remember when I got engaged and told my next-door neighbors (loud, obnoxious people whom I did not like), they responded with, "Make sure you invite us!"

Um, no.

If you know someone is about to say "I do," wish them well, and then be quiet. You need say nothing more.

Yes, weddings are fun. Or can be, you know, depending. Yes, there's food, booze, and dancing.

But you may not be invited for a host of reasons -- none of which you should take personally.

Speaking as someone who paid cash for her own (scaled-back) wedding, the nuptials and festivities are darn expensive. (Yes, even the scaled back ones.) The bride and groom may have budgetary concerns. They may have family issues putting a squeeze on their invites, e.g., Mom said you had to invite Aunt Greta and Uncle Karl and their 10 children, which put the couple over the limit on guests. They may just want to keep it small (ahem) because the thought of greeting 300 people in an evening is just too much, and they want to enjoy their own wedding.

I could go on and on. Perhaps you have bad breath, or the bride's BFF can't stand being around you ever since you called her 30 times in one day after that bad coffee date.

No matter what, the wedding isn't about you, and who the groom and bride invite is none of your business.

And please don't create an uncomfortable situation by asking, "When's my invitation showing up?" or threatening to show at the reception, sans invite.

Special thanks to N. for the inspiration. Best wishes to you!

Keep the personal questions to yourself, rude-o

A reader writes:

I went to a barbecue with my husband's family over the weekend. My husband's grandma asked us when WE would be having kids. We told her in the cutest way possible that the answer was never, if we could at all help it. She made a face and some sort of dismissive noise, and conversation moved on. She came back at me three more times with the same question, each time more and more unhappy at the answer she received. She informed me that I was being selfish, and that God would hate me for not having children.


Is it just me, or should people just butt the hell out of a personal decision like whether or not my husband and I choose to spawn?


There are so many ways the question, "When are you two having kids," could go wrong.

Ultimately, the choice to have or not have children is a deeply personal one that I believe should remain between a husband and wife. But, what if we make that leap to presume that it WAS Grandma's business? What gives her the right to tell us that we're horrible people because we're not making the same life choices she made?

Our reasons for not having children are numerous and very well thought out. Should we have to defend them over and over?

- A Reader

Dear Reader:

Short answer to your last question: No.

People everywhere, let's get this straight: asking about children, born, unborn or imagined in your head, is effing rude. No matter what -- whether the person is single, married, Mormon -- it's none of your business.

The wisdom here lies in the writer's third paragraph:

There are so many ways the question, "When are you two having kids?" could go wrong.

Yes, yes, yes. And this is so true for everyone -- those who want kids and those who don't.

Consider:

• -Maybe the couple can't have children due to some emotionally-painful medical reason.
• -Maybe they are trying, and that's causing them distress.
  
• -Maybe they've chosen not to reproduce

Either way, what they do with their reproductive organs is none of your business. Ever. Even if you think someone is pregnant and want to bring it up, don't.

Women who are newly pregnant don't talk about it for a variety of reasons, all which make sense: It's a medically sensitive time, they may not carry to term, they may not want it. No guessing games, stupid people.

Whether someone wants to reproduce or not is a personal decision. Please respect that, and keep your mouth shut.

Now, for those of you who get asked intrusive questions, here's some responses. Practice, practice, practice:

• -"Hmm, that's an interesting question. Why do you ask?" Then shut up and say nothing -- no matter what kind of clever "I want to know" answer they give you.
  
  
• -"Mmm...I'm sorry, that info is on a need-to-know basis." Tell them you'll let them know if they "need to know."
  
  
• -"Oh, we're still in our honeymoon phase!"*
  
  
• -"That's a rather personal question, don't you think?" (Then be quiet. Don't justify.)
  
  
• -"It's just not in the cards right now."

Readers, you never have to justify your life choices to anyone. Use a little polite deflection, be quiet, and don't offer up any more information. Then smile and change the subject.



*This one was shared by my 50-something friend who's been married for 25 years. Whenever she's asked, "Do you have children?" She always answers, "Oh, we're still in our honeymoon phase!" Thinking she married late, the questioner will always say, "Oh, when did you get married?" and she revels as she answers, "Twenty-five years ago!"

When traveling by air...

Hello readers!

EB is back from a week out East. She's returned sunburned and refreshed, and full of stuff to bitch about.

Some no-nos I saw while traveling:

• Bitching and/or making a scene on the plane.
  
  While seated before take-off, an oh-so-important businessman (in coach) was talking loudly on his phone (of course, my favorite) but then carping loudly about how hot the plane was. "I know we're all trying to cut back and save money, but Jeezus Christ this is ridiculous!" he boomed. He then halted a passing flight attendant, "Hey, could you turn on the air please?"
  
  Bless her, she explained in a quiet voice why she could not.
  
  
• Not wearing underwear. (This is a no-no no matter where you are: sea, plane, land.)
  
  The offender in question was a young male seated a few rows ahead of me at a jazz show. He was wearing jeans. He bent over to tie his shoe, and, oh my. I may have been on the East Coast, but I was viewing the Southern Hemisphere.
  
  I so did not want to see that. People -- male and female, young and old -- please cover up.
  
  
• Talking loudly at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday.
  
  When at the airport, especially if it's before noon on a Sunday, and you have to yap on your cell phone, please keep your voice low. It's not 1996 anymore, and one no longer needs to shout into one's cell phone in order to be heard.
  
  Please just consider the others around you for a moment -- do they really care that you took Billy to the beach? Or that you're having that cyst tested on Wednesday? Or that you're going to ask for a silk wrap at your nail appointment? Answer: no. Also, most of us are not awake yet, and your incessant chatter is annoying. Lower your voice and let us finish our coffee. We thank you.
  

If you're a smoker...

ASK if you can smoke first when visiting someone else's property. I don't care if you're there to work or socialize, I don't care if you're the President of the United States.

It's rude to just assume it's okay and start smoking when you're at someone else's house...even if you're outside.

Politely turning away houseguests

Dear Etiquette Bitch,

I recently moved to a desirable location that is popular and expensive to travel to. I am in the early stages of renovation, and will be in the midst of some level of chaos for the foreseeable future. That said, I enjoy being able to share my home and good fortune with friends. In the 4 months I have lived in the house, I have already had quite a few house guests, and twice as many requests to visit.

A couple of the guests were fantastic. They stayed 2-3 days, made their impact small, and made contributions to the shared visit.

The other group hasn't been a nightmare; it's that their expectations are out of line with what I can comfortably provide, and out of scale with our friendship. That's the reason I write you.

I rarely stay with others. I know how disruptive even considerate house guests can be, and thus being one makes me feel immediately apologetic.

My second group seems to operate in an opposite manner. They push for increasing amounts until my limits are reached. This places me in a terribly awkward position. I take my duties as host seriously. My guest's comfort and happiness are very important to me. But at this point I have begun feeling taken advantage of, and it's souring me on the idea of any guests.

Before it gets to where I cut it off completely (excluding the closest of friends), I'd like to figure out a way of politely telling people, "Yes, I appreciate you sending me your proposed itinerary which indicates you plan on staying with me for 10 days, but perhaps you might want to see how long I can host you in a less, 'I am one button push away from making all the decisions for both of us' manner."

People seem to get offended when I tell them I cannot host them for their entire trip. I realize this is their problem, but I do not want to lose additional friends over it. I have seen the island many times over now, have my own life to run, and cannot be their tour guide or long term innkeeper.

Can you help?
--P.

P--

First off, mad props to you and to your first group of friends -- y'all seem to understand that "friend with a house in another locale" is not synonymous with "all expenses paid Hilton." The prudent (and desirable, invited-back) house guest is mindful of the host; pays for a meal or two (or three or four); contributes to the upkeep of the house (even if it's just making the bed); and leaves the host alone for some time.

The other group, well, you described them perfectly in your letter. I appreciate the delicate, uncomfortable situation you find yourself in. I'm going to give you some suggestions, and then I want you to practice saying these out loud. I promise you, if you don't practice, you won't use 'em when the time comes. How did Tiger Woods get so damn good at golf? He didn't think about it or read blogs about it -- he did it.

Now, on to you: You actually have the perfect out: you're in the middle of renovations. Heck, far as I'm concerned, your renovations are going to take years, especially when your 2nd group of friends calls you.

That said, I'm also not a fan of lying to get out of something, but in your case, it' s not a lie. So, we're going to practice a couple of routes, all involving the truth.

When someone sends you their 10-day itinerary, including a 10-day stay at your house:

"Hi, Jim, it's P. calling. Thanks for sending me your travel plans, but I'm sorry, I won't be able to host you all 10 days. I've got the plumber coming all that week, and with the way he's ripping out the walls, there's no place for me to put guests, and dust will be everywhere. I can have you stay that weekend, but not all ten days." [Or, "I'm sorry, it's just not going to work out this time."]

Or, just be straightforwardly honest:

"Carla, so glad you'll be in my neck of the woods! Listen, I don't want to offend you, and I hope this won't cause any friction between us, but I'm just not able to have any house guests right now. I've already had four visitors, and it's not even June! I'm just a little wiped right now, and I haven't even had time to attend to that drywall I'm putting up, but I'd love to see you for dinner on that Thursday you're here. I hope you understand. If you need a place to stay, I can recommend a timeshare up the road."

or:

"Jake, hi, I got your email about your visit. This is uncomfortable for me to say, and slightly awkward, but I'm afraid I can't offer up my house or play host this time. I've just been swamped, and I really need to catch up. Would you like to meet for drinks on the Thursday or Friday you're here?"

(You don't even have to offer to meet for drinks or dinner; I just threw that in in case you do want to see these folks.)

If someone dumps you as a friend because you couldn't be their free meal ticket during a vacation, well, is that person worth keeping as a friend? You also mention that the second group, who show disregard for your time, space and needs, aren't really your closest friends...so why worry?

Host those who are near and dear to you, when you can. And remember, it's your home. Etiquette is about making others feel comfortable and at ease, but also about setting appropriate boundaries. Your non-close friends who would impose upon you when it's outside of your capacity...well, they're not practicing good etiquette, are they?

Maybe point them to this blog, where I'll remind them that it's bad manners to invite one's self to another's home.

On parenting when it's not your kid

The Tribune's "One Burning Question" actually had a decent question and answer yesterday. Quite honestly, I wanted to punch the rude woman written about in the letter.

The Letter Writer (LW) took her toddler son to the doctor. While in the waiting room, the toddler went to grab a toy. A freako parent nearby grabbed the toy first, then handed it to the little boy and said, "What do you say?"

Erm. I'd say, "Smack you in the face for trying to parent my kid while I'm standing there." Also, freako clearly didn't need to grab the toy since the little boy was already reaching for it.

Clearly, this incident was an over-the-top case of a helicopter parent trying to helicopter parent all kids within a 10-foot radius.

But what if there were a real problem going on, say the parent is nowhere near and the kid throws a toy at you? (This has happened to EB.)

I checked with a relative of mine who happens to be a pediatric specialist, and her rule is a good one: If the parent isn't around, or nearby to witness the action and respond, it's okay to say something to the child (not hitting, mind you); just say something like, "That's not nice," or whatever.

But if the parent is there, step aside and let the parent do the parenting. You don't tell someone else's kid, especially in front of their parents, "What do you say?" But if something harmful or egregious happens (kid hits you with a toy), gently point it out to the parent.

But your job is not to discipline someone else's kids. Sure, these minor offenses (like a skipped "thank you") will occur from time to time...that's when you can demonstrate grace and just let it go.

Be nice to your host

When visiting someone else's home, be it for a party, and overnight stay, whatever, Rule #1 is to be nice to your host.

Don't like something? Don't comment. This is just balls-out rude. Yes, I know, the food may not be to your liking; you're an alkie and she's a teetotaler; or her "remove the shoes" rules don't mesh with yours. Unless s/he's causing you bodily harm, keep quiet.

Offensive guest-to-host behaviors I've seen:

• Drunken guest removing artwork off the host's walls and parading it around the home, providing verbal commentary as he walked.
  
• Blunt guest telling host, "Your salsa's too warm. Maybe consider the freshness factor in the future."
• Unshod guest complaining about shoe-removal rule all night long. Loudly.
  

Should hosts sometimes make exceptions for guests? Yes, absolutely. I personally can not remove my shoes due to a foot injury -- so I always carry an extra "clean" pair to a party.

If you have a special request for your host, let him or her know ahead of time, or take your host aside and mention said request.

But rude commentary on food, drink, artwork? Not cool.

Money questions are rude

Don't ask how much someone paid for something -- especially a car or a home.

Don't ask how much someone makes, or the amount of their last raise, etc.

Tying back to this, don't make someone feel bad for what they paid for something. About 5 years ago, a lovely woman moved into my condo building. The association president introduced herself to the new neighbor, and said, "I saw what you paid. You overpaid!"

What could you possibly gain from saying such a thing?

Easy etiquette rule: When it comes to money, keep your mouth shut.