Paying a friend

Hey Etiquette Bitch,

I'm staying at a friend's place for 1.5 weeks. She is in an apartment with a landlady. She's let me stay in her room for a few days, as she's not here for the entire time.

When I initially asked to stay at her place, I offered to help pay for rent. While we were talking, she mentioned how expensive her rent is and how she might need to move next year. I brought up my offer again, but she refused any money. I have written her a check for $150, put it in a thank you card along with some small earrings. I also got the landlady some chocolate and a thank you card.

Is the check awkward? We're both students, so money is an issue.

Hi Student,

You've sent the check, so "awkward" doesn't matter at this point, does it? You get a pass on this one, but what you need to do now is drop it -- don't mention it unless she does, and if she does, just say you were glad to do it and what a nice stay you had. Then switch the subject to how upset you are that this is the final season of "Lost."

Here's the thing: I get why you sent the check, I do, I've done it myself (not for a stay, but to a relative who lost her job. She never cashed it). You were kind to offer money, your friend refused (although she mentioned money later). Take her answer (the refusal) at face value.

Here's the deal with money and friendly hospitality: they shouldn't mix. When a friend or loved one puts us up, it's not because they want or expect anything in return, except maybe to enjoy our company, assuming we're not overbearing houseguests (which I can tell you're not).

When someone plays host, you pay it forward in the future by hosting someone -- that friend or another traveler.

Money is awkward, so in the future, leave it out. When you're a houseguest, it's standard (and good manners) to bring your host a gift and/or take that person out for a nice meal. For future reference, instead of money, or a crappy host gift (like soap), give something s/he would appreciate and wants/needs: an amazon gift card, a nice bottle of wine or case of good beer (don't laugh), pre-paid netflix.

Just in case you haven't mailed the check yet: While I'm sure she'd appreciate it, it's still awkward, so send the earrings. (Love it!) Oh, and the chocolates to the landlady? Massive kudos on that one. Well done.

Shut the fuck up

"I don't know how you people can drive these old junks around."

There's beauty in knowing when to keep one's mouth shut. Visiting someone's house? Meeting someone for the first time? Getting a ride home? Shut the fuck up with your offensive opinions.
Click "play" above to listen. Running time: 8 m 5 s.

Blogs/places/etc. mentioned in this podcast:

William Shunn - Writer and Podcaster
NachosatMidnite
Hopleaf Bar
Ask Amy

I want my driftwood back!

I was on the radio this morning and had some lovely calls. (Thanks callers!) What to do when someone gives away your driftwood? Or washes his armpits and feet on a plane? Or wants to pick his nose before his wife?

Click "Play" below to find out.

Running time: 19 m 25 s

Are you clipping your nails right now? Gross.

Happy Friday! Don't trim your nails at work. Gross.

Click "play" below to listen. Running time: 4 m 11 s.


Follow me on twitter.

Give now...or not. Charity is personal.

Charity's a good thing. Helping out is a good thing. Making others feel uncomfortable is not.
Be mindful when hitting someone up for charity donations. Giving is personal -- and also difficult during these shitty economic times.

Click the play button to listen in. Running Time: 7 m 5 s.

Can we just stop the one-sided bullshit?

I'm not going to give anyone (except bloggers) free publicity, so you'll have to do a little TV-watching on your own to get who I mean here.

There's this godawful commercial in rotation right now. A man and woman are shopping for a car. And throughout the annoying ad, the woman constantly punches either her husband or the salesman.

Let's flip this around a bit, shall we?

Let's say the husband were to hit the wife repeatedly because she won't stop nagging. Or the salesperson were to slap her after she wasted his time on an hour-long test drive. Women's groups would be up in arms calling for said ads to be yanked off the air.

Why is it okay for a woman to hit a man, but not vice versa?

Violence is violence, and hitting someone just because you see a car is pretty stupid. And makes me *not* want to buy your crap product.

Stop the TMI on FB. Really.

Facebook Overshare, indeed. If you're an fb user, the best advice you can follow is to "shut up."

Click the title above to listen to why you should Shut the Fuck Up (not "status facebook update," as I thought -- hear how dorky/out of it I am) when you're posting in a public forum. We don't care how hot your wife is. Really, we don't.

Best viewed/heard in Safari.
Best heard on a Mac, with some nice speakers. But your PC will do fine, too.

Links mentioned and worth checking out:

STFU Marrieds

The Unprofessional Critic

Running time: 4m 30s

Valentine's Day: When in doubt, don't

Loaded holidays -- like February 14 -- are dangerous territory for those in new relationships. Yes, I know you're excited. But what if he/she isn't? Click the title to hear why you should maybe watch a Simpsons rerun on Cupid's Day.

Yes, you have to give a Valentine to everyone

Got kids?

Teach them, this Valentine's Day, that it's best (and good manners) to be all-inclusive, whether they like it or not. Translation: yes, your kid has to give a valentine to every person in his/her class -- not just the ones he/she likes.

Being inclusive, especially during such a public display of friendship as the Valentine Exchange, is the polite thing to do. And it's a good life lesson.

The sooner kids learn that it's best to play nice with everyone at the office, the better. And really, what's the harm in passing out cheap valentines to a bunch of people they'll never see after eighth-grade graduation?

Yes, grown-ups, we all exclude people once we're older. But being the one who's excluded is especially painful when you're a kid.

Nobody likes to be overlooked, or an afterthought.



(Well, unless that person is named "Charlie Brown.")

It's review time, so keep quiet

This time of year, managers in offices all over this great nation are stressed out. HR is riding their collective asses to get performance appraisals turned in, and not just turned in, but fitting nicely in their little pre-defined boxes.

That's some pretty private information. Sometimes, a Nosy Nancy happens upon it.

So, my message today goes out to anyone who is privy to sensitive information: keep your mouth shut.

I once knew a high-level assistant who had access to her boss's email. She delighted in reading it when he was on vacation, and then gossiping about who made what salary.

After discussing this with all my corporate friends, it seems everyone has a Nosy Nancy in the office who, for whatever reason, seems to know more than the VPs, and enjoys dishing it out to whomever will listen.

So here's a tip for all you Nosy Nancys and Gossipy Glens out there: ZIP IT!

Most of what you're blathering about is: a) none of your business, b) sensitive information. So keep it to yourself, and get your ass back to work. You're being paid to work, not gossip.