Splitting the check and tipping

A reader writes:

My wife and I enjoy eating out. Once a week or so we hit a nice "sit-down" restaurant where a fine hard-working server tends to our every need. Sometimes we engage in our favorite activity with friends.

In your opinion, what's the best way to handle tips for a party of four or more? I've heard some say never to ask for separate checks, but to split the entire bill, tips and all, on a 50/50 basis. Some, like myself, say pay for what you get. As neither my wife nor I are alcohol drinkers, our check is always substantially lower than the other party. Additionally, we are both generous tippers and do not want the double deduction of paying extra for what we didn't consume and possibly covering the difference from others who are cheap-skate tippers. So where do you weigh in on the great group-tipping debate?

Sincerely, C.

Ah, how to split the check when it's a group outing. This is one of those fuzzy areas that is constantly under debate.

In a perfect world, everyone would pay their fair share and no one would ever be shorted a penny. But it rarely works out that way.

There's nothing wrong with asking for separate checks, as long as the restaurant doesn't have some pain-in-the-ass policy against it. You could preface your request with something like, "Just so this is easier, could we have separate checks please?"

Or, when the bill for all four comes, you could say, at payment time, "Pass it here, let me see what Suzie and I owe. Why don't we all just pay what we owe?" I do this with friends some of the time, and they nod in agreement. I've never had someone say, "No! We must split it!"

Other times, when there's four of us (or more), we just say, "Let's split this." I honestly don't mind paying a little more when the bill is somewhat balanced. When it's majorly out of whack I'll speak up and say, "But I didn't have any of those lovely top-shelf margaritas." (I was asked to pay $40 at a group birthday dinner. My intake? A single $3 burrito.)

The argument goes that "it all comes out in the wash"--an argument I'm inclined to disagree with, because, just like in your example, what if you don't drink, but Tommy and Sally are sucking down the $13 Appletinis like air?

Here's my solution: Lay out expectations at the start (if you're comfortable enough), or ask to pay for just your share (plus tax and tip) at the end.

And if what you pay is consistently, egregiously off-balance? You don't dine out with those friends again. Trust me, Ms. $40-For-Her-Margaritas hasn't seen me outside of a cocktail party in seven years.

On a side note -- thank you for kindly and generously tipping your servers. One way to also ensure that the server is tipped fairly is to look at the bill, and announce, "Okay, it's $60, so let's say $72 total..." and allow the now-calculated-tip to be part of the calculations.

Got an etiquette question of your own? Ask me! Email etiquetteb [at] gmail -dot- com

Is it really an "invite" if your guests have to pay?

One thing that always chafes my hide is when I get an invitation to something fun-sounding, then open it only to find that I have to pay to attend the fun-sounding thing.

The use of web-based invitations to invite people to pay-for-it events seems hardly offensive -- I mean, after all, we get event invites (via email or snail mail) that require us to pay, right? The Benefit Viewing Party of "Borat," or the Benefit Concert for Epileptic Dogs.

I think it's the way these events announce themselves that make the difference. When I see an email with the subject line "You're invited!" I automatically think "party!" not, "something I have to pay for!"

And, web-based invite programs do offer a "pay with paypal" option. These free programs have to monetize somehow, and I get that. So does that kill off the impolite factor? I don't think so.

I'm sort of on the fence. I looked back to pay-event invitations that didn't offend me, and they were worded better (e.g. - "Join us for a lecture and lunch") -- and I think that's what I'm looking for - more "truth in advertising." "Join us" doesn't imply that you're being invited gratis; you read on and have the option to pay and go, or not go.

The way I was raised, when you invited someone to something, that meant s/he was to be your guest.

What say ye, my amazing readers?

Mad props to the polite

So, it occurred to me that maybe instead of just bitching all the time, I need to give some shout-outs to the well-mannered in our society.

Good manners I saw this weekend:

• A teenage boy who insisted I enter before him as he held the (automatic) door. Very sweet.
  
• A parent who was actually calming his wailing child at Trader Joe's.
• A parent who fed his daughter from the samples table at Trader Joe's, rather than opening up a bag of unpaid-for food and eating it right there in the store.

Cheers to the well-mannered everywhere! We love you!

Mind your manners on the plane

With summer travel coming up, it's imperative to remember that just because you're hopping on an airplane does not absolve you from responsibility...and good manners. Special thanks to Patti S. who shared this wonderful article with me. Enjoy!

From Yahoo! Travel:

7 Ways to Annoy a Flight Attendant

Our anonymous flight attendant has worked for a well-known commercial airline for 12 years. She dishes on what irritates her most in passenger behavior.

Bettmann/Corbis

More from BudgetTravel.com

1. Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal.

Over the years, I've seen a pet on a passenger's lap, a pet tucked into a seatback pocket, and a pet loose in the aisle (I nearly hit one with my beverage cart). All of this is against federal regulations. People tell me how well-behaved their pet is, but they can't follow the rules themselves! Your pet must stay in its carrier while you're on the plane. Yes, even if you've paid a "pet-in-cabin" fee.

2. Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane.

You think you're clever, I know. You expect to grab your bag on your way out of the plane, but you're selfishly inconveniencing others. I can't lie and say we flight attendants don't take some small satisfaction when we tell you, "We couldn't identify the bag's owner, so we sent it to cargo." It's a security issue, for real. Carry-ons need to stay near their owners! So don't look so shocked when we say, "The signs will direct you to baggage claim. You can pick up your bag there."

Continue reading here.

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Yay! The Luddite factor continues to decrease for EB. You can now subscribe to EB via email. Mad props to FeedBurner!

Follow me on Blogger, or enter your email on the right to get an email whenever I find some new impoliteness to carp about.

Aren't we getting just a little too sensitive?

Okay, I'll admit I'm the first to rise up on my haunches when I suffer an injustice in public (like that twitty, rude 11-year old who cut in front of me at my gym last week). But when a stranger offers a pleasantry (so rare these days), why not just smile and accept it, even if it doesn't make sense to you?

I love hearing "Merry Christmas" in December (or hell, any time of year). I bristle inside, but still like hearing, "Happy Holidays." (It tells me said person has been instructed in the evil ways of PC.) Around Xmas one year, I recall reading an advice column in which the letter writer bitched about the glut of displays at Christmastime. She was Jewish, and she hated seeing Christmas Trees, Decorations, and "Merry Christmas" signs at the mall. She thought there should be equal Hanukkah swag. Thinking she may have had a point, I asked my friend Don (who happens to be Jewish) what he thought.

"This is a mostly Christian nation. Get over it," was his take.

I couldn't agree more.

We just had Mother's Day. In 11 days, we stumble upon Father's Day. And, of course, the advice columns are rife with letters such as:

• "My mom died last year! I'm still grieving! How dare the bag boy wish me Happy Mother's Day!"
  

and

• "My son's father is a bum! How dare the cashier tell us 'Have a nice Father's Day tomorrow!'"

Okay, first of all, how is a stranger supposed to know what private hell you are enduring?

They're not. More complaining like this, and pretty soon all small businesses and corporate entities, fearful of lawsuits, will instruct all employees not to say anything ever, and then any semblance of kind wishes will go away. It's bad enough that my Walgreen's cashier is usually eating potato chips and talking on her cell phone while barely managing to scan my items (then gives me the evil eye when I tell her she still owes me $1 in change).

I get "Have a nice Mother's Day!" when I go shopping on the 3rd (or is it 2nd?) Sunday in May. I'm not a mom -- but I enjoy the niceness, so I just smile and say, "Thanks, you too!" regardless of the nice person's gender.

I have a cousin, who, like me, is child-free. We'll usually call each other on these holidays that don't apply to us (Mother's and Father's Day) and wish each other a Happy Whatever, then we have a laugh.

Also, when you think about it, the person who is offended is feeling so because s/he (and I hate to say it, but it usually is a "she") has chosen to attach meaning and emotion to a stranger's words. Words that are, essentially, meaningless. They're on par with "Have a nice day."

Deepak Chopra writes about how we can choose to feel as a result of someone's words. If someone says something to us, it's really our choice to feel offended. We can equally choose to ignore it.

If you choose to be offended, though, I suppose it's also your choice to email as many advice columnists as you choose, and bitch about how you were wronged by someone who doesn't even know you.

More on weddings -- what about all those parties before the wedding?

Q: Who should be invited to a shower or bachelor/bachelorette party?

A: A sampling of people who are invited to the wedding.

Not those who are on your "B" list, not those whom you don't want at the wedding - but you want their money and gifts.

Your showers and pre-parties are not a gift-grab (well, okay, showers technically are). To invite someone to a shower or stag/hen party, and then not include them on the big day, well, that's just impolite.

I will allow for one minor exception: when a celebration is thrown for you by someone else, and is either without your knowledge, or it's understood that this is a context in which it's okay for you to not invite them to the wedding. Example: the girls at the office throw you a luncheon shower, but it's already been made clear that you and your intended are having a small, family-only ceremony. Or your mom threw you a shower (ahem) and invited distant family friends whom you hardly know. (ahem.)
(Variations on this theme are welcome.)

But to expect others to throw you a bachelor/bachelorette party and then exclude them? Rude and unacceptable.

When someone you know is getting married...

...it's possible that you're not invited. Live with it.

Ah, one of the hallmarks of a wedding is that everyone who is not the bride or groom thinks it's about them. I remember when I got engaged and told my next-door neighbors (loud, obnoxious people whom I did not like), they responded with, "Make sure you invite us!"

Um, no.

If you know someone is about to say "I do," wish them well, and then be quiet. You need say nothing more.

Yes, weddings are fun. Or can be, you know, depending. Yes, there's food, booze, and dancing.

But you may not be invited for a host of reasons -- none of which you should take personally.

Speaking as someone who paid cash for her own (scaled-back) wedding, the nuptials and festivities are darn expensive. (Yes, even the scaled back ones.) The bride and groom may have budgetary concerns. They may have family issues putting a squeeze on their invites, e.g., Mom said you had to invite Aunt Greta and Uncle Karl and their 10 children, which put the couple over the limit on guests. They may just want to keep it small (ahem) because the thought of greeting 300 people in an evening is just too much, and they want to enjoy their own wedding.

I could go on and on. Perhaps you have bad breath, or the bride's BFF can't stand being around you ever since you called her 30 times in one day after that bad coffee date.

No matter what, the wedding isn't about you, and who the groom and bride invite is none of your business.

And please don't create an uncomfortable situation by asking, "When's my invitation showing up?" or threatening to show at the reception, sans invite.

Special thanks to N. for the inspiration. Best wishes to you!

Keep the personal questions to yourself, rude-o

A reader writes:

I went to a barbecue with my husband's family over the weekend. My husband's grandma asked us when WE would be having kids. We told her in the cutest way possible that the answer was never, if we could at all help it. She made a face and some sort of dismissive noise, and conversation moved on. She came back at me three more times with the same question, each time more and more unhappy at the answer she received. She informed me that I was being selfish, and that God would hate me for not having children.


Is it just me, or should people just butt the hell out of a personal decision like whether or not my husband and I choose to spawn?


There are so many ways the question, "When are you two having kids," could go wrong.

Ultimately, the choice to have or not have children is a deeply personal one that I believe should remain between a husband and wife. But, what if we make that leap to presume that it WAS Grandma's business? What gives her the right to tell us that we're horrible people because we're not making the same life choices she made?

Our reasons for not having children are numerous and very well thought out. Should we have to defend them over and over?

- A Reader

Dear Reader:

Short answer to your last question: No.

People everywhere, let's get this straight: asking about children, born, unborn or imagined in your head, is effing rude. No matter what -- whether the person is single, married, Mormon -- it's none of your business.

The wisdom here lies in the writer's third paragraph:

There are so many ways the question, "When are you two having kids?" could go wrong.

Yes, yes, yes. And this is so true for everyone -- those who want kids and those who don't.

Consider:

• -Maybe the couple can't have children due to some emotionally-painful medical reason.
• -Maybe they are trying, and that's causing them distress.
  
• -Maybe they've chosen not to reproduce

Either way, what they do with their reproductive organs is none of your business. Ever. Even if you think someone is pregnant and want to bring it up, don't.

Women who are newly pregnant don't talk about it for a variety of reasons, all which make sense: It's a medically sensitive time, they may not carry to term, they may not want it. No guessing games, stupid people.

Whether someone wants to reproduce or not is a personal decision. Please respect that, and keep your mouth shut.

Now, for those of you who get asked intrusive questions, here's some responses. Practice, practice, practice:

• -"Hmm, that's an interesting question. Why do you ask?" Then shut up and say nothing -- no matter what kind of clever "I want to know" answer they give you.
  
  
• -"Mmm...I'm sorry, that info is on a need-to-know basis." Tell them you'll let them know if they "need to know."
  
  
• -"Oh, we're still in our honeymoon phase!"*
  
  
• -"That's a rather personal question, don't you think?" (Then be quiet. Don't justify.)
  
  
• -"It's just not in the cards right now."

Readers, you never have to justify your life choices to anyone. Use a little polite deflection, be quiet, and don't offer up any more information. Then smile and change the subject.



*This one was shared by my 50-something friend who's been married for 25 years. Whenever she's asked, "Do you have children?" She always answers, "Oh, we're still in our honeymoon phase!" Thinking she married late, the questioner will always say, "Oh, when did you get married?" and she revels as she answers, "Twenty-five years ago!"

When traveling by air...

Hello readers!

EB is back from a week out East. She's returned sunburned and refreshed, and full of stuff to bitch about.

Some no-nos I saw while traveling:

• Bitching and/or making a scene on the plane.
  
  While seated before take-off, an oh-so-important businessman (in coach) was talking loudly on his phone (of course, my favorite) but then carping loudly about how hot the plane was. "I know we're all trying to cut back and save money, but Jeezus Christ this is ridiculous!" he boomed. He then halted a passing flight attendant, "Hey, could you turn on the air please?"
  
  Bless her, she explained in a quiet voice why she could not.
  
  
• Not wearing underwear. (This is a no-no no matter where you are: sea, plane, land.)
  
  The offender in question was a young male seated a few rows ahead of me at a jazz show. He was wearing jeans. He bent over to tie his shoe, and, oh my. I may have been on the East Coast, but I was viewing the Southern Hemisphere.
  
  I so did not want to see that. People -- male and female, young and old -- please cover up.
  
  
• Talking loudly at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday.
  
  When at the airport, especially if it's before noon on a Sunday, and you have to yap on your cell phone, please keep your voice low. It's not 1996 anymore, and one no longer needs to shout into one's cell phone in order to be heard.
  
  Please just consider the others around you for a moment -- do they really care that you took Billy to the beach? Or that you're having that cyst tested on Wednesday? Or that you're going to ask for a silk wrap at your nail appointment? Answer: no. Also, most of us are not awake yet, and your incessant chatter is annoying. Lower your voice and let us finish our coffee. We thank you.