Mad props to the polite

Happy Father's Day to Dads everywhere -- especially those who are man enough to take on the role of being a dad (not just a sperm donor).

Okay, on with the goods. Lovely behavior I witnessed this weekend:

• Kids of all ages saying "please" and "thank you."
• People wiping off their mats and equipment at the gym.
  
• Gentlemen allowing ladies to exit first from the elevator.

Mad props to all you wonderful, polite people!

There's someone out there in cyberspace

It blows my mind that when we communicate electronically -- via email, twitter, facebook, comment boards, whatever -- we always forget that our words have impact and there's a flippin' person on the other end.

Respect, decency, kindness and manners all seem to go out the window when we type away. Sure, the computer is a great place to vent your frustrations. But who has to listen, and who's being impacted (and probably hurt) by your words?

Today the Chicago Tribune posted that Walter Cronkite is in ill health and likely near death. The comment boards brought out the worst in people. The comments ranged from "I thought he was already dead," to "What a liberal commie. He started the liberal bias in media."

Okay, now think for a minute if your grandma or grandpa [or insert loving relative here] were dying and anonymous people said this about your loved one. Hurts, don't it?

And never forget: Do not (ever!) post or email in anger! The most mean-spirited email I ever got contained the two gems below:

"[You are] not a priority for me as I am 9 months pregnant and I don't need the aggravation of you demanding answers or being aggravated at all. It just goes to show how self centered you are and have no regard for anyone that lives a different life than you."

and

"your wedding was not pleasant on any level."

Ouch!

Now, trust me, EB considered the source, who, quite honestly, I can't say anything good about. But know that someone is on the receiving end. In the digital age, we tend to forget that there's a person out there reading our words.

Write -- stop -- re-read and then ask yourself: is this really worth sending? Who will it impact, and how?

Look forward to seeing you Sunday with some mad props. A polite email, perhaps?

Splitting the check and tipping

A reader writes:

My wife and I enjoy eating out. Once a week or so we hit a nice "sit-down" restaurant where a fine hard-working server tends to our every need. Sometimes we engage in our favorite activity with friends.

In your opinion, what's the best way to handle tips for a party of four or more? I've heard some say never to ask for separate checks, but to split the entire bill, tips and all, on a 50/50 basis. Some, like myself, say pay for what you get. As neither my wife nor I are alcohol drinkers, our check is always substantially lower than the other party. Additionally, we are both generous tippers and do not want the double deduction of paying extra for what we didn't consume and possibly covering the difference from others who are cheap-skate tippers. So where do you weigh in on the great group-tipping debate?

Sincerely, C.

Ah, how to split the check when it's a group outing. This is one of those fuzzy areas that is constantly under debate.

In a perfect world, everyone would pay their fair share and no one would ever be shorted a penny. But it rarely works out that way.

There's nothing wrong with asking for separate checks, as long as the restaurant doesn't have some pain-in-the-ass policy against it. You could preface your request with something like, "Just so this is easier, could we have separate checks please?"

Or, when the bill for all four comes, you could say, at payment time, "Pass it here, let me see what Suzie and I owe. Why don't we all just pay what we owe?" I do this with friends some of the time, and they nod in agreement. I've never had someone say, "No! We must split it!"

Other times, when there's four of us (or more), we just say, "Let's split this." I honestly don't mind paying a little more when the bill is somewhat balanced. When it's majorly out of whack I'll speak up and say, "But I didn't have any of those lovely top-shelf margaritas." (I was asked to pay $40 at a group birthday dinner. My intake? A single $3 burrito.)

The argument goes that "it all comes out in the wash"--an argument I'm inclined to disagree with, because, just like in your example, what if you don't drink, but Tommy and Sally are sucking down the $13 Appletinis like air?

Here's my solution: Lay out expectations at the start (if you're comfortable enough), or ask to pay for just your share (plus tax and tip) at the end.

And if what you pay is consistently, egregiously off-balance? You don't dine out with those friends again. Trust me, Ms. $40-For-Her-Margaritas hasn't seen me outside of a cocktail party in seven years.

On a side note -- thank you for kindly and generously tipping your servers. One way to also ensure that the server is tipped fairly is to look at the bill, and announce, "Okay, it's $60, so let's say $72 total..." and allow the now-calculated-tip to be part of the calculations.

Got an etiquette question of your own? Ask me! Email etiquetteb [at] gmail -dot- com

Is it really an "invite" if your guests have to pay?

One thing that always chafes my hide is when I get an invitation to something fun-sounding, then open it only to find that I have to pay to attend the fun-sounding thing.

The use of web-based invitations to invite people to pay-for-it events seems hardly offensive -- I mean, after all, we get event invites (via email or snail mail) that require us to pay, right? The Benefit Viewing Party of "Borat," or the Benefit Concert for Epileptic Dogs.

I think it's the way these events announce themselves that make the difference. When I see an email with the subject line "You're invited!" I automatically think "party!" not, "something I have to pay for!"

And, web-based invite programs do offer a "pay with paypal" option. These free programs have to monetize somehow, and I get that. So does that kill off the impolite factor? I don't think so.

I'm sort of on the fence. I looked back to pay-event invitations that didn't offend me, and they were worded better (e.g. - "Join us for a lecture and lunch") -- and I think that's what I'm looking for - more "truth in advertising." "Join us" doesn't imply that you're being invited gratis; you read on and have the option to pay and go, or not go.

The way I was raised, when you invited someone to something, that meant s/he was to be your guest.

What say ye, my amazing readers?

Mad props to the polite

So, it occurred to me that maybe instead of just bitching all the time, I need to give some shout-outs to the well-mannered in our society.

Good manners I saw this weekend:

• A teenage boy who insisted I enter before him as he held the (automatic) door. Very sweet.
  
• A parent who was actually calming his wailing child at Trader Joe's.
• A parent who fed his daughter from the samples table at Trader Joe's, rather than opening up a bag of unpaid-for food and eating it right there in the store.

Cheers to the well-mannered everywhere! We love you!

Mind your manners on the plane

With summer travel coming up, it's imperative to remember that just because you're hopping on an airplane does not absolve you from responsibility...and good manners. Special thanks to Patti S. who shared this wonderful article with me. Enjoy!

From Yahoo! Travel:

7 Ways to Annoy a Flight Attendant

Our anonymous flight attendant has worked for a well-known commercial airline for 12 years. She dishes on what irritates her most in passenger behavior.

Bettmann/Corbis

More from BudgetTravel.com

1. Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal.

Over the years, I've seen a pet on a passenger's lap, a pet tucked into a seatback pocket, and a pet loose in the aisle (I nearly hit one with my beverage cart). All of this is against federal regulations. People tell me how well-behaved their pet is, but they can't follow the rules themselves! Your pet must stay in its carrier while you're on the plane. Yes, even if you've paid a "pet-in-cabin" fee.

2. Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane.

You think you're clever, I know. You expect to grab your bag on your way out of the plane, but you're selfishly inconveniencing others. I can't lie and say we flight attendants don't take some small satisfaction when we tell you, "We couldn't identify the bag's owner, so we sent it to cargo." It's a security issue, for real. Carry-ons need to stay near their owners! So don't look so shocked when we say, "The signs will direct you to baggage claim. You can pick up your bag there."

Continue reading here.

Extra, extra! Get your EB updates by email!

Yay! The Luddite factor continues to decrease for EB. You can now subscribe to EB via email. Mad props to FeedBurner!

Follow me on Blogger, or enter your email on the right to get an email whenever I find some new impoliteness to carp about.

Aren't we getting just a little too sensitive?

Okay, I'll admit I'm the first to rise up on my haunches when I suffer an injustice in public (like that twitty, rude 11-year old who cut in front of me at my gym last week). But when a stranger offers a pleasantry (so rare these days), why not just smile and accept it, even if it doesn't make sense to you?

I love hearing "Merry Christmas" in December (or hell, any time of year). I bristle inside, but still like hearing, "Happy Holidays." (It tells me said person has been instructed in the evil ways of PC.) Around Xmas one year, I recall reading an advice column in which the letter writer bitched about the glut of displays at Christmastime. She was Jewish, and she hated seeing Christmas Trees, Decorations, and "Merry Christmas" signs at the mall. She thought there should be equal Hanukkah swag. Thinking she may have had a point, I asked my friend Don (who happens to be Jewish) what he thought.

"This is a mostly Christian nation. Get over it," was his take.

I couldn't agree more.

We just had Mother's Day. In 11 days, we stumble upon Father's Day. And, of course, the advice columns are rife with letters such as:

• "My mom died last year! I'm still grieving! How dare the bag boy wish me Happy Mother's Day!"
  

and

• "My son's father is a bum! How dare the cashier tell us 'Have a nice Father's Day tomorrow!'"

Okay, first of all, how is a stranger supposed to know what private hell you are enduring?

They're not. More complaining like this, and pretty soon all small businesses and corporate entities, fearful of lawsuits, will instruct all employees not to say anything ever, and then any semblance of kind wishes will go away. It's bad enough that my Walgreen's cashier is usually eating potato chips and talking on her cell phone while barely managing to scan my items (then gives me the evil eye when I tell her she still owes me $1 in change).

I get "Have a nice Mother's Day!" when I go shopping on the 3rd (or is it 2nd?) Sunday in May. I'm not a mom -- but I enjoy the niceness, so I just smile and say, "Thanks, you too!" regardless of the nice person's gender.

I have a cousin, who, like me, is child-free. We'll usually call each other on these holidays that don't apply to us (Mother's and Father's Day) and wish each other a Happy Whatever, then we have a laugh.

Also, when you think about it, the person who is offended is feeling so because s/he (and I hate to say it, but it usually is a "she") has chosen to attach meaning and emotion to a stranger's words. Words that are, essentially, meaningless. They're on par with "Have a nice day."

Deepak Chopra writes about how we can choose to feel as a result of someone's words. If someone says something to us, it's really our choice to feel offended. We can equally choose to ignore it.

If you choose to be offended, though, I suppose it's also your choice to email as many advice columnists as you choose, and bitch about how you were wronged by someone who doesn't even know you.

More on weddings -- what about all those parties before the wedding?

Q: Who should be invited to a shower or bachelor/bachelorette party?

A: A sampling of people who are invited to the wedding.

Not those who are on your "B" list, not those whom you don't want at the wedding - but you want their money and gifts.

Your showers and pre-parties are not a gift-grab (well, okay, showers technically are). To invite someone to a shower or stag/hen party, and then not include them on the big day, well, that's just impolite.

I will allow for one minor exception: when a celebration is thrown for you by someone else, and is either without your knowledge, or it's understood that this is a context in which it's okay for you to not invite them to the wedding. Example: the girls at the office throw you a luncheon shower, but it's already been made clear that you and your intended are having a small, family-only ceremony. Or your mom threw you a shower (ahem) and invited distant family friends whom you hardly know. (ahem.)
(Variations on this theme are welcome.)

But to expect others to throw you a bachelor/bachelorette party and then exclude them? Rude and unacceptable.

When someone you know is getting married...

...it's possible that you're not invited. Live with it.

Ah, one of the hallmarks of a wedding is that everyone who is not the bride or groom thinks it's about them. I remember when I got engaged and told my next-door neighbors (loud, obnoxious people whom I did not like), they responded with, "Make sure you invite us!"

Um, no.

If you know someone is about to say "I do," wish them well, and then be quiet. You need say nothing more.

Yes, weddings are fun. Or can be, you know, depending. Yes, there's food, booze, and dancing.

But you may not be invited for a host of reasons -- none of which you should take personally.

Speaking as someone who paid cash for her own (scaled-back) wedding, the nuptials and festivities are darn expensive. (Yes, even the scaled back ones.) The bride and groom may have budgetary concerns. They may have family issues putting a squeeze on their invites, e.g., Mom said you had to invite Aunt Greta and Uncle Karl and their 10 children, which put the couple over the limit on guests. They may just want to keep it small (ahem) because the thought of greeting 300 people in an evening is just too much, and they want to enjoy their own wedding.

I could go on and on. Perhaps you have bad breath, or the bride's BFF can't stand being around you ever since you called her 30 times in one day after that bad coffee date.

No matter what, the wedding isn't about you, and who the groom and bride invite is none of your business.

And please don't create an uncomfortable situation by asking, "When's my invitation showing up?" or threatening to show at the reception, sans invite.

Special thanks to N. for the inspiration. Best wishes to you!