Etiquette Bitch

Until we meet again

2010-08-09T05:57:00.000-07:00

Well hi there, my amazing readers and listeners.

Today is the last Etiquette Bitch blog post. I have grappled with this for weeks, tried to think of a story to tell (via podcast), tried to think of something funny and touching to say, and the mind just drew a blank.

It's time for me to mosey on. I've loved writing this blog, and even more, I've loved creating the podcasts. I appreciate the feedback and nice words I've recevied from all of you, whether in person at PAB, in the comments, in your emails to me or via your follows -- thank you. Seriously, it has made my day and warmed my heart to know you were listening and/or reading.

I've run out of steam and love for this Etiquette stuff. Like my twitter buddy shoutabyss said, "Based on what I see in the world around me I feel etiquette is a lost cause and a lost art. Sad."

Unfortunately, I had to agree. No matter how many blog posts and podcasts I do, there will still be that cell-phone-talking soccer mom who cuts you off in the parking lot; idiots will still yell at Tony Bennett as he performs; the tween before you at the movies will still talk on her cell phone and hold up the line.

There is something next up for me; it will involve a podcast, for sure. Please stay tuned. Please check back and I'll let you know where I end up. Etiquette Bitch will, indeed, create something new.

And before I end this blog, I just want to say, again, a hearty Thank You to you who read and/or listen. You've made the last three years worthwhile.

Now go enjoy the rest of summer.

Etiquette for public transportation

2010-07-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

If you take public transportation (ever!) this is for you. This is just awesome.
Artist Jay Shells got tired of loud-music-blasters, disgusting food eaters, nail-clippers, and proselytizers on the subway...so he did something.

Click here: 5 Dos and Don'ts When Someone Dies

2010-07-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ah, so many questions after someone passes away.

Is it okay to give money at a wake or funeral? Do I send flowers? Can I just mingle at a wake? Am I supposed to? What should I say to the grieving relatives? Is it okay to ask how someone died? I can wear my ratty gymshoes to the wake, right?

Click the title to find out. It'll cost you 10 m. of your time, about 13 if you listen to the music, too.

Song: Burial, Miike Snow

Click here: Wedding Etiquette -- Those damn bachelorette parties!

2010-07-11T05:51:00.000-07:00

Hey folks: It's wedding season, and this is the perfect post for you bachelorettes out there. Today I'm turning the blog over to reader CS 'cause I couldn'ta said it better myself.

My take? Click the title above to hear my thoughts on the bachelorette-parties-at-gay-bars issue. Running time: 6 m 17 s

As a gay man who has had to endure countless bachelorette parties at my local watering hole, I would like to add some advice:

It is incredibly insensitive to celebrate your marriage with a few hundred men who are not allowed to get married. So, in short: don't do it.

If you must, here are some bachelorette-party-at-gay-bar rules:

Don't insist that gay men dance with you and then get upset when we refuse. If we wanted to dance with drunk women, we would go to a straight bar.
Don't insist that gay men kiss you and then get upset when we refuse. If we wanted to kiss drunk women, we would go to a straight bar.
Don't order time-consuming (and confusing) drinks and then leave a crappy tip. That is just rude! Similarly, don't order said drink and then stand in the service area and enjoy it. It is bad enough there's a long line behind you; you're now preventing the rest of us from ordering our beer.
Don't assume that because we're gay we find your penis hat/necklace/jewelry/whatever "cute" and want to put our lips on it.
If there are strippers or go-go dancers at the gay bar, don't try to dance with them and keep others away from the "goods."

--C.S.

Thanks, CS. Ladies, stay away from the gay bars. Trust me, it ain't your scene. (Yes, I realize you're keeping hubby secure by partying in a roomful of gay men all night. But it's still rude. Take a cue from The Hip Hop Hippie, and go watch some men dance for your pleasure instead. I'm married, and I'm hitting up Hollywood Men on my next LA trip. So you and your drunk friends can do similarly.)

Click here: Sometimes, we don't need to "Smile!"

2010-07-05T07:29:00.000-07:00

You know those annoying people who tell you, "C'mon, it's not that bad, SMILE!" when you're having a crap day? Yeah, this is about them.

You never know what's going on with someone. Yes, in a perfect world, we'd all have positive, upbeat attitudes, no one would ever get cranky, and we'd all get along, hold hands, and sing "Kumbaya." But that's not reality.

So rather than telling someone how to look, how about you smile, and leave the other person alone?

Click the title to listen. Running time: 6 m 20 s.

Click here: The crappiest podcast ever

2010-06-22T19:27:00.000-07:00

Well, at least I only waste 4.30 m. of your time.

EB isn't sure if she should carry on...but she had an amazing time at PAB2010. She'll be back for 2011.

Amazing people mentioned in this podcast: Tod Maffin (although he'll be dismayed that she didn't take his advice too well.)

Click the title to listen. 4 m 15 s.

I don't need to smell you

2010-06-22T03:37:00.000-07:00

Sigh. If only this sign were posted everywhere, not just at The National Arts Centre in Ottawa.

Etiquette Podcast: What do you say to the double-sipper?

2010-06-13T04:28:00.000-07:00

Hey Etiquette Bitch:

This has happened three times this week, so I need to know how to react.

At three different food establishments where they have a self-serve soda machine I have had the person next to me slightly fill their cup, take a drink, then fill it with more soda, take a sip again, fill it again, sip- you get the picture.

I don't care about tasting the soda. What I do care about is they're mouth touches the rim of the cup, then touches the soda release lever.

Is it rude to point this out to them? Should I say nothing to them but tell management they need to disinfect the soda dispenser? Maybe hand them a straw? I bit my tongue three times, but I think I reached my limit. Also, I'm not a sanitizer-obsessed freak. This is just really unhygienic.

--Icked Out Alley

If this were a Seinfeld episode, the perpetrator you describe would be called a "double sipper." What should you say or do? Click the title to find out.

Verbiage Warning: Swearing, yes. C-word? Yes.
Running time: 9 m 45 s

I'm thinking, boycott establishments with soda fountain #2.

A simple "thanks" for holding the door

2010-06-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

Hey Etiquette Bitch,

I always make a point of holding the door for the person behind me on entering or leaving a building, as long as they are close behind. If they are too far behind, then holding the door for them may cause them to walk faster, which defeats the purpose of the good mannered behaviour. Almost everyone says "Thank you," and I reply very (maybe too) quietly, "you're welcome."

This happened today at the bank, but the gentleman behind me gave a loud and clear, "Thank you very much sir"- more than the sufficient "thank you" or just, "thanks." He did it again for the second set of doors, only 4 feet behind. I felt a little uncomfortable- his overly polite
thank-you made me feel I had to give him back more than my quiet 'welcome', but I didn't want to overdo it to the degree he had, although I was appreciative of his good manners.

I think we all should be considerate of the person behind, and I get very annoyed if the person in front never even looks and just lets the door close in my face. Is there some sort of rule here, or guideline, on doors and thank yous?

-SD

Hey SD:

Guidelines:

It's nice to hold the door for the person behind you.
But you don't need to if they are too far behind.
When someone does this for you, say "thanks."

In general, if someone is rightbehindyou and you refuse to hold the door open (or at least give it a good shove for them), this is rude.

As for your bank buddy, he was either: 1) shocked by such graciousness, 2) a little bit touched, 3) genuinely effusive, or, 4) a tad sarcastic. Either way, you did the nice, polite thing, and I'd take his reaction as more of a reflection on him, not you.

And good for you for not raising your voice, either. One never knows how the other party will react in these situations.

Kudos on your good manners.

I call fake on Miss Manners

2010-06-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

So, some modern etiquette questions abound around the possibility of receiving a penis cake.

I call fake. See what you think:

From KansasCity.com

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is putting on a birthday party for me. I will be turning 57.

His sister has taken up the art of hand-sculpting huge birthday cakes. She has been mastering the art of making huge, 3-foot penises. She recently presented one to her mother-in-law for her birthday. Continue reading....

Etiquette Podcast: Have a Little Respect When Traveling

2010-05-31T14:31:00.000-07:00

Just because you're at a hotel doesn't mean you get to act like a hillbilly. Ditto on airplanes. Be a little respectful when you travel. Realize that your voice carries, people need to sleep, and, no, you don't need to grab every fucking seat on the airplane as you walk the aisle.

Click the title to listen.
Running time: ~ 7 m.

Cool blog mentioned today: The Hip Hop Hippie

Etiquette Podcast: Leave the preggos alone. Really.

2010-05-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know a baby is a joyous occasion and blah blah blah. But consider that some stranger, especially a stranger who's about to pop out a kid, doesn't necessarily want to hear your comments, your praise, or your unsolicited advice.

Click the title to listen. Running time: 7 m 25 s.

Click here: No "reserving" a chair with all your crap

2010-05-14T05:18:00.000-07:00

Notice how there are two empty chairs flanking this studious young man. Apparently, everyone in this bookstore has good manners. Or the bookstore is empty. I dunno. I didn't take the photo.

Apply the "two minute or less" rule when deciding to "reserve" a chair in a public place. Click the post title to listen.

Running time: 4 m 20 s.

Read the original letter that inspired this post. I'm with you, friend!

Got an etiquette beef of your own? Do share. Email me at etiquetteb[at]gmail[dot]com.

Wanna hear me talk in person? Join me in Ottawa at Podcasters Across Borders -- PAB2010. No bitching, just good education!

Urging acts of kindness during the not-so-fun times

2010-05-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how people -- people everywhere -- are quick to acknowledge and celebrate the good, fun, happy times? But the minute something not-so-fun, something serious, something a little scary shows up -- everyone's mum and all of a sudden they've got work to do?

Yeah, I've seen it a ton. And it pisses me off.

I'm thinking about office environments, but this extends to social circles as well.

Everywhere I've worked -- offices, restaurants, swimming pools -- everyone jumps up to celebrate the good times: birthdays, pregnancies, new jobs, marriages. Cake, cards, and parties abound.

But the minute someone has a health problem? Or goes on medical leave? Or has a death in the family? It's like, "Who? Suzie? Does she even work here?"

I'm sure many of you have workplaces where everyone's like family, they bought you flowers when you were in the hospital, yadda yadda. (If so, PLEASE tell me about it in the comments or email me. I wanna know.)

So far (I'm lucky) I've only had to deal with the death of a loved one twice in my life.

Both times the response from my workplace-at-the-time was, "When are you coming back?"

Not one sympathy card. Not one "I'm sorry." No one came to the wake, either time. And that shit sucks.

I'm thinking of this now because lately Dear Amy has had a rash of, "I was out with major surgery and not one person from work asked how I was or sent a card" letters.

And I'm so with them. I am of the belief that work buddies are just that -- work buddies. Not that you can't make friends, perhaps even good, true friends, at work. I've seen it happen. Just not to me or anyone I'm close to.

Whether you love your co-workers or not, 40 hours a week is a lot to spend with someone. Work is very important to most people. Some people are so defined by it that any little shake up at work shakes up their whole world.

So if you've got a co worker who was seriously ill (not the flu, I mean hospitalized), had surgery, just experienced a death in the family, any thing kinda sucky -- buy them a damn 99 cent card, get the office to sign it, and toss it on his/her desk. Sincere or not, the gesture will be appreciated.

Of course, you could always sing your co-worker a song:

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T05:51:00.000-07:00

For as much as I bitch about having to suffer other people's photos, especially the TMI photos of unborn children, one thing I know for sure: Being a Mother is the hardest fucking job in the world.

So, Moms out there: cheers to you. I hope to eff you get some "you" time today. And, if not, sneak off tomorrow for a drink or dessert by yourself like Frankie did on "The Middle" last week.

And I also want to give a tip of the hat to Betty White. Her hosting gig on SNL was faboo. Not only is she hilarious, but she understands the importance of good manners:

"I'm not going to call people on facebook losers, but that's just because I'm polite."

And I also loved her jab at fb overshare:

"In my day, having to look at pictures of people's vacations was considered punishment."

It still is, Betty. We're just too polite to say it -- on facebook.

Happy Mother's Day, y'all!!!

*Interesting little factoid: Although much was made of Betty White hosting SNL "just in time for Mother's Day!" Ms. White actually has no kids. Love it.

Click here: Some things are better kept private. Like your birthing photos.

2010-05-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

Not everyone likes the same things. Imagine what a boring world it would be if everyone only liked baseball and hot dogs. Why, football and Alinea would never exist!

So we all have different tastes. Please be mindful of that and stop sharing every photo of your innards (sonograms) and outtards (vagina) with everyone via Facebook and at the office.

Your kid is amazing, really, s/he is. But know that not everyone can stomach seeing your cha-cha along with your child, age 2 seconds.

Click the post title to listen, and perhaps gain some perspective.

Oh, while we're on it - you wanna see my sonogram of my pre-cancerous cells? I didn't think so.

---

Hey, friends and faithful followers: Please listen to On The Log tomorrow for my interview with the witty and smart John Meadows.

Shout out to my buddy (and fellow Zooey Deschanel Non-Fan) Nachos at Midnight.

And send me your own tales of what pisses you off at etiquetteb [at] gmail [dot] com.

Click here: Leave my kids' photos off your damn facebook page. Please.

2010-05-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

Just because technology means you can now share crap with Aunt Myrtle within minutes, doesn't mean you should.

Some people don't want their picture taken. Some people don't want you turning their kids into the next would-be victim on "To Catch a Predator."* So how 'bout respecting some other folks' requests?

Click the post title to listen. Running time: 5 m 30 s.

*"To Catch a Predator" went off the air after they cornered a guy who committed suicide rather than face NBC's cameras. Reruns, if my hotel room TV Guide channel is to be believed, still proliferate on MSNBC. So a more accurate reference would be "20/20" but I haven't watched that since 1984. To me, a more accurate title would be, "Scaring Old White People."

When the guest gets wasted (and pukes)

2010-05-03T05:36:00.000-07:00

Hey Etiquette Bitch,

I’ve been absolutely beside myself about a situation that happened in my home a few days ago.

My husband’s nephew and his girlfriend (both supposedly responsible, 22-yr old university students) invited themselves to stay overnight as they were driving through our city. We made dinner, I set the formal dining room table for our family of 5 and our 2 guests. Apparently my husband was over-pouring the wine and I wasn’t paying enough attention, because after dinner the girlfriend proceeded to vomit all over my dining room table and brand new rug.

I was absolutely horrified!

She apologized, retreated to our guest room for the night, and we cleaned the mess up. (I’ll give the nephew some credit – he did help clean up). It was disgusting and I am still in a state of shock about it.

My question is, how does one properly respond to an apology for a totally egregious incident? I said “it’s alright”, but really, it is NOT alright! I feel like I want to burn my beautiful dining room table and new rug. And every time I serve dinner in my dining room in the future I will remember this incident. It’s like she has ruined my dining room which I put so much effort and expense into decorating 2 years ago. What would you have said?

Should try to follow up, or just try my best to forget it ever happened? The next morning she made a lame attempt at an excuse, saying she hadn’t been feeling well for a few days. I didn’t call her on it, but maybe I should have, because then they sat around drinking coffee and chatting for a few hours as if nothing had happened, so obviously my “it’s alright” response made her feel that I bought her excuse and everything was A-OK. (Personally, I would have been so ashamed of myself I would have written a profuse apology and bolted in the middle of the night.)

The nephew’s parents (my husband’s sister, with whom I do not get along with) have invited themselves to our house to stay next weekend. Should this be our dirty little secret or do we let them know what happened during their son’s recent visit? Yes, they are adults legally, and should be responsible for their own actions, but they are students living at home and I assume are still partially supported by their parents. If my 20-yr old son or his girlfriend did something like this I would certainly want to know about it so I could sit them down for a serious talk about unacceptable behavior, consequences and attempting to mitigate the damage.

Thank you in advance for your sage advice.

S.

What do I tell S? Click the title to find out. Running time: 7 m 30 s.

Make it a drinking game: take a chug every time I say "mad props." :) (Yes, my hipness stopped around 1996.)

Got an etiquette dilemma of your own? Email me: etiquetteb [at] gmail [dot] com

Happy May Day

2010-05-01T06:01:00.000-07:00

It's May 1. Get outside and enjoy.

Who's my Target? Pharmacy.

2010-04-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

Listen up, prescription-picker-uppers and pharmacy employees of the world: Ever hear of a little thing called privacy? Respect it, okay? The world does not need to hear that Grampa Jones is picking up Viagra.

Click "play" below (or click the title above) to listen. Running time: 5 m 6 s.

Have you ever had a nosy/intrusive pharmacy experience? Tell me in the comments.

Throw the party you can afford

2010-04-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know it's 2010 and things are fucking expensive. Too bad. Hosting a party? No, you can't charge people. I don't care if it's a bridal shower for your best friend Suzy. Asking for cash -- as a gift, a donation, or a cost-defrayment -- is super bad form. And y'know what else? It screams, "I'm classless!"

Click "play" below to listen. Running time: 5 m 33 s.

People, blogs, and podcasts mentioned in this tirade:

Wakes and Money; Concerts and Rudeness

2010-04-19T05:16:00.000-07:00

Do I have to give money when I go to a wake or a funeral? (It's nice to.) Why do people even do that? (I'll tell you.) And what about when I go to a standing-room-only concert? Is it okay to bother everyone around me? (No, you jackass.)

Click "play" below to listen and learn. Running time: 5 m 51 s.

On being human, and shutting up

2010-04-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

Two things to think about, and one announcement.

Don't make others feel bad about their choices. This means keep your running commentary to yourself. It's okay to have an opinion; when you do it in a way that makes others feel bad, you're an ass.

Example: An "artist" who hasn't picked up a paintbrush in 10 years attends an art opening. "Why are these people wasting their time? They should just give up," he says to a friend of the artists. Same guy goes to visit a friend with a new home in a "changing" neighborhood. "Why did you move? I liked your old neighborhood better."

Any seasoned armchair psychologist will tell you this guy is just projecting his feelings about himself. Doesn't make his statements any less rude.
Understand that others are human. The other side of etiquette is letting small slights slide. Notice I said "small." The jerk who cuts you off in traffic. The customer who snaps at you, unprovoked. The arrogant snootypants at the gym who swipes the three towels you were about to take.

There's grace in letting these things go. We're human, we all have bad days, none of us are perfect. I've been an asshole in traffic, plenty. I've line-jumped in front of people I shouldn'ta. We all do. Especially when we're having a bad day. [WARNING: Sexist comment forthcoming:] Us ladies can be especially nasty, snippy, and unforgiving on some nasty hormonal days.

Be a little kinder than you need to be today. Someone else will be nice to you on your shitty days.

Have a good weekend, folks. And be nice out there.

News: I'm speaking at Podcasters Across Borders 2010 in June! Check it out...podcasters and non-podcasters of all stripes are welcome. PAB 2010 promises to be fun, educational and inspirational. PAB is full of success stories.

Bathroom Number 2: The Urinal

2010-04-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

Guys: do you know what not to do when you use a urinal? Oh, no you don't.

Today's podcast features my friend Sanford who educates us on Four things you should never do in the men's room. How does he know? Personal experience.

Click "play" above to listen. Running time: 6 m 30 s.

Enjoy this educational video, courtesy of babelgum:

And just in case you missed it...Bathroom Number 1.

You can't play on my swingset...without permission

2010-04-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

This week we re-visit gym etiquette (hint: wait your fucking turn) and using other people's property without permission (hint: fucking ask first).

Above is a damn-near replica of the swing set my friend caught strangers using. Strangers who, for whatever idiotic reason, thought they could use without permission.

Click below to listen. Running time: 7 m 30 s

Bitchin' about Easter weekend

2010-04-02T05:54:00.000-07:00

Visiting a house of worship this weekend? Behave. Don't know how to behave? Ask someone. I'm especially talking to you, you C&Es. And if you do something unusual? Like breastfeed? Yeah, people are gonna stare. Get over it or go to the mother's room.

Click "play" above to listen.
Running time: ~ 4m 30s

Special shout out to The Hollywood Podcast. (Who always behaves.)

10 Etiquette Tips For Today

2010-04-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on Chicagonow.com:

Chew gum, loudly and with your mouth open, during all conversations.
Leave your cell phone ringer turned on to its highest volume, and let the noise fly today! Even better if your ringtone is an obnoxious, tinny-sounding dowloaded song. Everyone loves a crappy-quality version of "Tipsy."
Answer that call -- but only after you've thoroughly annoyed everyone within earshot by letting it go that long -- and speak loudly. Be sure to include ... continue reading

Bitchin' on Outside the Loop

2010-04-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

Check it out: Available in perpetuity -- my interview with Mike Stephen @ Outside the Loop Radio.

Random Etiquette Lessons

2010-03-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

Apologize when you fuck up. Then make it good.

I forgot to call my editor this week. It took me two days to realize it. I was at the gym, ready to hit my Hip Hop Fitness class, when it dawned on me: "I didn't call Tracy." Duh. I sent an apologetic and self-flagellating email. I haven't heard back from her. I'm a bad Etiquette Bitch.
When online, stop behaving like second graders.

I absolutely love snickering at the overshares and annoying FB posters on those popular sites that publicly humiliate the virtual-world blabbermouths and oversharers. What I don't love about a certain site, however, is that they are now offering to send an anonymous email, on your behalf, to your "friends" telling them that they are annoying.

CONFIDENTIAL TO THE YOUR STATUS IS ANNOYING GUY: ANONYMOUS EMAILS ARE IMMATURE, RUDE, THOUGHTLESS, AND INCONSIDERATE. OH YEAH, AND THEY'RE STRAIGHT OUT OF EIGHTH GRADE! GROW THE FUCK UP. MAKE FUN ALL YOU WANT. STOP THE 'ANONYMOUS' EMAILS, PLEASE.

Think about it for a minute, geniuses: How would you feel if you got an anonymous note telling you something negative about yourself? EB says, if someone thinks so little of you to have a website send you an anonymous, insulting email...is that person really your "friend?" I say, "unfriend."
Second graders, part 2: curb those immature impulses in the real world, too.

I was appalled -- but really, I guess not that surprised -- that in swapping What-Happened-When-I-Quit-My-Job stories with a colleague, we had the same appalling, no-way-would-this-fly-in-business-etiquette-class experience: We both gave our respective quitting notices to our small-business-owning bosses, who respectively proceeded to read us the riot act, tell us how "awful" we were and then show us the door.

The irony/rub/chuckle in all of this? Both of us had a similar experience years later when the old boss wanted to be friends and reconnect.

Lesson: No need to bad mouth anyone -- in any way -- at work. Trust me, it will bite you in the ass. My ex-boss? I've cost him a lot of business. I went on to work with bigger fish who asked about working with him. My answer was always, "Don't do it."

Be mindful with that big mouth, preggo.

2010-03-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's all the pregnant bellies I see waddling my way at Target lately, but I've got pregnant women on the brain.

And I don't know which is more annoying -- a Bridezilla who won't shut up about her pending nuptials, or a Preggo who won't shut up about her pending child.

Yes, I know it's momentous, a gift, a blessing, everyone's supposed to want one, blah blah blah... but I think there's something that the yappers are overlooking.

You might be inadvertently offending someone. I'm not just talking about us soulless, demon-like people who -- gasp -- have no spawn of our own.

I'm talking about people who've tried and failed to conceive -- or tried and lost -- their own child.

I know more people who've lost potential children then actually have had them. Each parent who's experienced a loss has shared with me how painful it was to have to endure the coworker who posted fresh sonogram photos daily, or the bookclub buddy who spent all three book club hours talking about her kicks and tummy pains and gas.

This isn't like me bragging about my weekend in Europe and you've never gone to Europe. This is like me bragging about a real, massive, physical and emotional thing that means THE WORLD to you: "I've got one and you don't."

Know that when you're getting your big WORLD-sized thing, someone else -- within earshot -- might've lost theirs. They're grieving. And it's painful.

Dial it back a notch, please. Give it a rest once in awhile. Besides, your Eco-Bamboo-Organic-Green Baby Rocker, like your gas, isn't nearly as interesting as you think it is.

Image courtesy of WILPF.

The Housing Crisis

2010-03-15T04:21:00.000-07:00

It seems there's a rash of renters running around bragging about how glad they are that they didn't buy anything before this godawful swamp of housing crap showed up. Yeah? Shut the fuck up.

Lesson: Don't make others feel bad about their choices. That could be you one day, you know.

Click "play" above to hear about how a wine seller blatantly made me feel like shit.

Running time: 6 m 30 s.

No talking on the toilet

2010-03-09T07:23:00.000-08:00

"We all know people who take the toilet into the bathroom."

What I meant to say was, "...take their cell phones into the bathroom." I was a little spun up. It's been that kind of a day. Let's show some respect for those around us and not talk when it's time to pee.
Click "play" above to listen. Running time: 6 m 6 s.

Paying a friend

2010-03-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

Hey Etiquette Bitch,

I'm staying at a friend's place for 1.5 weeks. She is in an apartment with a landlady. She's let me stay in her room for a few days, as she's not here for the entire time.

When I initially asked to stay at her place, I offered to help pay for rent. While we were talking, she mentioned how expensive her rent is and how she might need to move next year. I brought up my offer again, but she refused any money. I have written her a check for $150, put it in a thank you card along with some small earrings. I also got the landlady some chocolate and a thank you card.

Is the check awkward? We're both students, so money is an issue.

Hi Student,

You've sent the check, so "awkward" doesn't matter at this point, does it? You get a pass on this one, but what you need to do now is drop it -- don't mention it unless she does, and if she does, just say you were glad to do it and what a nice stay you had. Then switch the subject to how upset you are that this is the final season of "Lost."

Here's the thing: I get why you sent the check, I do, I've done it myself (not for a stay, but to a relative who lost her job. She never cashed it). You were kind to offer money, your friend refused (although she mentioned money later). Take her answer (the refusal) at face value.

Here's the deal with money and friendly hospitality: they shouldn't mix. When a friend or loved one puts us up, it's not because they want or expect anything in return, except maybe to enjoy our company, assuming we're not overbearing houseguests (which I can tell you're not).

When someone plays host, you pay it forward in the future by hosting someone -- that friend or another traveler.

Money is awkward, so in the future, leave it out. When you're a houseguest, it's standard (and good manners) to bring your host a gift and/or take that person out for a nice meal. For future reference, instead of money, or a crappy host gift (like soap), give something s/he would appreciate and wants/needs: an amazon gift card, a nice bottle of wine or case of good beer (don't laugh), pre-paid netflix.

Just in case you haven't mailed the check yet: While I'm sure she'd appreciate it, it's still awkward, so send the earrings. (Love it!) Oh, and the chocolates to the landlady? Massive kudos on that one. Well done.

Shut the fuck up

2010-03-04T07:41:00.000-08:00

"I don't know how you people can drive these old junks around."

There's beauty in knowing when to keep one's mouth shut. Visiting someone's house? Meeting someone for the first time? Getting a ride home? Shut the fuck up with your offensive opinions.
Click "play" above to listen. Running time: 8 m 5 s.

Blogs/places/etc. mentioned in this podcast:

William Shunn - Writer and Podcaster
NachosatMidnite
Hopleaf Bar
Ask Amy

I want my driftwood back!

2010-02-27T11:41:00.000-08:00

I was on the radio this morning and had some lovely calls. (Thanks callers!) What to do when someone gives away your driftwood? Or washes his armpits and feet on a plane? Or wants to pick his nose before his wife?

Click "Play" below to find out.

Running time: 19 m 25 s

Are you clipping your nails right now? Gross.

2010-02-26T07:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday! Don't trim your nails at work. Gross.

Click "play" below to listen. Running time: 4 m 11 s.

Follow me on twitter.

Give now...or not. Charity is personal.

2010-02-21T10:41:00.001-08:00

Charity's a good thing. Helping out is a good thing. Making others feel uncomfortable is not.
Be mindful when hitting someone up for charity donations. Giving is personal -- and also difficult during these shitty economic times.

Click the play button to listen in. Running Time: 7 m 5 s.

Can we just stop the one-sided bullshit?

2010-02-19T09:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to give anyone (except bloggers) free publicity, so you'll have to do a little TV-watching on your own to get who I mean here.

There's this godawful commercial in rotation right now. A man and woman are shopping for a car. And throughout the annoying ad, the woman constantly punches either her husband or the salesman.

Let's flip this around a bit, shall we?

Let's say the husband were to hit the wife repeatedly because she won't stop nagging. Or the salesperson were to slap her after she wasted his time on an hour-long test drive. Women's groups would be up in arms calling for said ads to be yanked off the air.

Why is it okay for a woman to hit a man, but not vice versa?

Violence is violence, and hitting someone just because you see a car is pretty stupid. And makes me *not* want to buy your crap product.

Stop the TMI on FB. Really.

2010-02-15T05:00:00.000-08:00

Facebook Overshare, indeed. If you're an fb user, the best advice you can follow is to "shut up."

Click the title above to listen to why you should Shut the Fuck Up (not "status facebook update," as I thought -- hear how dorky/out of it I am) when you're posting in a public forum. We don't care how hot your wife is. Really, we don't.

Best viewed/heard in Safari.
Best heard on a Mac, with some nice speakers. But your PC will do fine, too.

Links mentioned and worth checking out:

STFU Marrieds

The Unprofessional Critic

Running time: 4m 30s

Valentine's Day: When in doubt, don't

2010-02-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

Loaded holidays -- like February 14 -- are dangerous territory for those in new relationships. Yes, I know you're excited. But what if he/she isn't? Click the title to hear why you should maybe watch a Simpsons rerun on Cupid's Day.

Yes, you have to give a Valentine to everyone

2010-02-09T10:13:00.000-08:00

Got kids?

Teach them, this Valentine's Day, that it's best (and good manners) to be all-inclusive, whether they like it or not. Translation: yes, your kid has to give a valentine to every person in his/her class -- not just the ones he/she likes.

Being inclusive, especially during such a public display of friendship as the Valentine Exchange, is the polite thing to do. And it's a good life lesson.

The sooner kids learn that it's best to play nice with everyone at the office, the better. And really, what's the harm in passing out cheap valentines to a bunch of people they'll never see after eighth-grade graduation?

Yes, grown-ups, we all exclude people once we're older. But being the one who's excluded is especially painful when you're a kid.

Nobody likes to be overlooked, or an afterthought.

(Well, unless that person is named "Charlie Brown.")

It's review time, so keep quiet

2010-02-03T07:17:00.000-08:00

This time of year, managers in offices all over this great nation are stressed out. HR is riding their collective asses to get performance appraisals turned in, and not just turned in, but fitting nicely in their little pre-defined boxes.

That's some pretty private information. Sometimes, a Nosy Nancy happens upon it.

So, my message today goes out to anyone who is privy to sensitive information: keep your mouth shut.

I once knew a high-level assistant who had access to her boss's email. She delighted in reading it when he was on vacation, and then gossiping about who made what salary.

After discussing this with all my corporate friends, it seems everyone has a Nosy Nancy in the office who, for whatever reason, seems to know more than the VPs, and enjoys dishing it out to whomever will listen.

So here's a tip for all you Nosy Nancys and Gossipy Glens out there: ZIP IT!

Most of what you're blathering about is: a) none of your business, b) sensitive information. So keep it to yourself, and get your ass back to work. You're being paid to work, not gossip.

How many of you are still going to the gym?

2010-01-31T14:35:00.000-08:00

Raise your hand if you've been a good girl or boy and kept your New Year's Resolution. You know, the one about working out/running/hitting the gym/doing Couch Potato Pilates every week.

Don't worry, I won't tell if you haven't kept up. We all slack off or make commitments we don't really mean, anyway. (see: the divorce rate in this country.)

But if you are going to the gym, yoga, whatever, please continue to (because you already do, right?) be mindful of others around you.

Bathe, or at least wipe up, your private parts and pits before you go. Sweating is one thing. Reeking like a bathroom garbage can is another.
Deodorant wouldn't kill you, either.
Men: Keep that shirt on. Ladies: you, too. Men: No disagreeing with me on that last one.

And of course all the other rules I've bitched about apply.

Let's not get all, "But I want to..." with the excuses and reasoning. That's the problem with society -- we've forgotten how to be considerate of one another and have put our "I want" or "My kids want" whining ahead of respect for others around us.

In the privacy of your own home? Do whatever the fuck you want.

Where do manners apply?

2010-01-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

Apparently, everywhere.

I'm being a little sarcastic, a little tongue-in-cheek. Yes, I get pissed off when some trash-talker is dropping the f-bomb every two seconds behind me in the checkout line at Target. Someone swears on their blog, podcast or via twitter? I'm not so bothered.

But if I see a blog entry with the F-word or S-word every few words, I'm thinking this is a classless a-hole.

There's no hard-and-fast twitiquette rule for how much you can or can't swear, just as long as you do it in less than 140 characters.

Facebook, on the other hand, will make you enter a Captcha code if you're a little too judicious with your swearing.

So be mindful. When are cuss words allowed? Not in public, but sometimes in private (or online) for emphasis.

Garbage goes in -- shocker! -- garbage cans

2010-01-26T06:13:00.000-08:00

I don't want to shop among your garbage.

Just because every store now has a coffee shop in it, and just because they are kind enough to let you drink and eat while you shop, doesn't mean the store is your personal dumpster.

Throw your effing garbage OUT. Find a trash can. I promise you there are about five by the doors, two near the bathrooms, one behind every cashier station, and, oh yeah, about three in that coffee shop where you purchased your now-garbage.

I don't buy that everyone is this "forgetful." Try "lazy." Resist the urge to be a lazy-ass, and carry your disgusting, used, ful-of-your-germs beverage cup a whopping two feet, and throw it out. Thank you.

I didn't want to really know

2010-01-18T15:52:00.000-08:00

Please learn when niceties (e.g., "how are you?" reply: "fine.") are appropriate, and when the truth (e.g., "how's it going?" reply: "Not great. I just had my second rectal exam and they still can't find the cause of the bursting polyps.") is not.

Save the personal chit chat for: a) the right people and b) the right time.

Work time is not the time to bare your soul. (Or polyps.) After work, with a trusted friend, partner, or tenth date might be okay.

Also, please, clueless people, please just sit back for a moment and observe body language. Your office mate with his coat on, briefcase closed, heading out the door to pick up his kid does not want to, nor does he have time to, hear about how stressful it was for you to discover that Just Tires only had three of your Goodyears in today, not the four you needed.

The co-worker who's making tea with her head down and shoving her mouth full of cookies probably needs to get back to her desk for good reason. So, no, she doesn't want to share her cookies, and no, sorry, but she doesn't want to hear about the check you bounced last week.

I'm not saying we can't have close friendships or trusted confidantes at work. We can -- in fact, it's a good thing. But if someone a) isn't a trusted confidante, or, b) needs to get to work (or to their kid, or some other pressing commitment), no need to share your deepest darkest.

Try, instead, something like, "I'm fine, thanks. Weekend was rough, but maybe we can talk at lunch?" And leave it.

Please don't act like you know me then spam me

2010-01-11T14:03:00.000-08:00

I realize that putting one's self out there in cyberspace and publishing one's email address is going to open one (me and every other blogger/writer/douchebag) up to a lot of unsolicited email. And crap. That's fine. That's why the spam folder exists (thank the web gods).

But for the love of pete, please don't cyber-stalk someone (like the person in the example below did), pretend to have some sort of connection or valid reason for writing to them, and hit them up for sales. It's tacky and a waste of the reader's time. Plus, you'll piss off the reader for pretending to have a valid reason for contacting her. And she'll blog about you and tell everyone else to mark you as "Spam."

Here's what I got from someone named Melanie claiming to know someone I know. All the typos are hers alone, as I did a straight-on copy & paste, with minimal editing:

subject: I got your email from XXXX [writer]'s site

Hi! I love XXX and love her site and her XXX book. she is my inspiration.

I started a business www.ispampeopleidon'tknowcauseimajerk.com about 2 yrs ago. I then started a second business with [product] and I am running that as my main business now.

(EB says: And I care, why?)

I found the most amazing [MLM] that I now sell accounts to and basically ask anyone I can if they want to sell too and make some extra money. You need to have a computer and so that is why I contact a lot of people online, 'cause I know you have a computer!

(EB SAYS: What makes you think I have a computer? Because I blog? For all you know, I sneak this shit in at my day job, and email at night from the free Library computers.)

[LONG DESCRIPTION OF THE MLM SHE SELLS FOR AND HOW I CAN TRY IT "FOR FREE!"]

I know this is strange to contact you this way, but I tell as many people as I can about my new business, so if you aren't interested just delete this email and I won't contact you again.

(EB SAYS: Please don't. Ever. Thanks.)

If you want me to mail you a sample, email me your real address and I will send you one.

[EB SAYS: Right, like I'm going to send my address to a complete stranger. Are you also a Nigerian prince who has a great investment for me?]

So, folks, got it? I don't give a crap if you've started a new business and the training they give you tells you to reach out to everyone in the most unconventional ways (I used to sell that shit -- I know how it goes). Don't pester those who probably don't want what you're selling!

I'm Hot on ChicagoNow!

2010-01-05T12:46:00.000-08:00

Cool to be one of ChicagoNow's Hot Blogs of the Day.

In case you haven't been following, it's a new year, and that means the gyms are packed with New Year's Resolutioners...who get in your way, show up late, and make the workout experience miserable for many of us regulars.

Don't want to be sneered at? Then follow these workout etiquette guidelines. I'll letcha stand next to me at dance class.

Mind your manners tonight - New Year's Eve

2009-12-31T06:38:00.001-08:00

No doubt, plenty of you will be socializing tonight, either at a bar, at a party, or taking in a movie and popcorn.

And no doubt, someone else (not you) will say something incorrect or just plain wrong. Heck, they may even commit a tiny social faux-pas, such as ordering a drink from a different waiter.

Your urge will be to correct them, either by explaining they have their facts wrong ("The 'h' in 'Thames' is silent") or that they broke a social taboo ("You don't order drinks from another waiter.").

Resist this urge. It's impolite to correct someone in public. If this is your mate/partner/significant other/sister/brother/mom/dad/you see where I'm going with this -- you may correct them privately, after the festivities. But do it in a lighthearted, loving way.

When is it okay to correct someone in public? If they're drunk, and insist on driving home. The right response is, "No, you're not, and I'm calling you a cab."

Have a fun, safe, polite New Year's Eve, everyone!

Cheers, and I'll see you in 2010.

When the gift is a duplicate

2009-12-22T12:34:00.000-08:00

So you open the shiny wrapping paper to reveal...the Rufus Wainwright CD that you already have. (Yes, I know, everyone's downloading music these days, and even The Most Evil Retailer shrunk its music space...bear with me for the sake of a story.)

Don't be a jerk -- now or any other time of the year. "I already have this," while true, is not the correct response.

Pick your poison -- say/do one or more of the following:

"Oh how nice! I love [name thing you already own]."
Keep it. One for the house, one for the summer house.
Donate it. Toys for Tots, Amvets or Howard Brown can certainly make good use of it.
Still in its original packaging? Perhaps you can exchange it for some other crap at some large retailer who's especially liberal with exchanges this time of year.

And always, always, follow up with a thank-you note. Not a text. No twitter. No email. No quick, verbal. A hand-written note.

After some time has passed, don't confess, "Oh, I already had that Rufus Wainwright CD. I exchanged it for Animal Collective." Keep mum.

Merry Christmas.

Overheard at the ATM today

2009-09-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

[woman in work uniform @ ATM on her cell phone:]

"Do you have to be outside? Call me back. I can't hear you with all that noise around you, it's irritating me. Well it is! Call me back! Bye." [hangs up.]

Ah, my smile for the day. Nothing like a little manners smack-down.

Have we learned nothing from Joe Wilson?

2009-09-14T05:38:00.000-07:00

Sigh.

There it was again last night, bad manners displayed in full force, onstage at Radio City Music Hall.

The most childish, immature rapper in the world had to go and interrupt Taylor Swift, who was accepting what was rightfully hers.

We wonder would he have done this were it not a woman onstage. Would the most childish, immature rapper in the universe dare if it were Kid Rock or Eminem or Jay-Z up there? My money's on "not."

I'm happy to say Beyonce demonstrated true class, and gave Taylor Swift her moment. For that, she gets a mad props.

In the meantime, if you have kids, or if you're a teacher, let's use this as a teaching moment.

Unless the speaker is causing harm, it's never okay to interrupt someone's speech with a tirade.

Mad props to the polite

2009-09-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, here we go. I had to try really hard this week, but here's what I got:

A nice threesome of diners leaving a waitress a 20% tip.
People holding the elevator for one another.
Drivers who were let into traffic who actually raised a polite hand and said, "Thanks!"

Thank you, polite people! You make all the noisy, inconsiderate jerk-offs in this world not matter so much.

Why I hate "people-of-cheap-store"

2009-09-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't heard, there's this blog. It makes fun of, shall we say, not-so-attractive people (and cars) at the world's largest discounter.

First off, I don't know why big discounter (who, no, I don't like, either) isn't suing. I've studied photography, and the legalities of it, and to go into a business and photograph the property and anything in/on it is, technically, illegal.

And, no, I'm not above poking fun at WT myself. Ages ago, upon moving from Oh-So-Sophisticated San Francisco to Middle-America Indiana, I was appalled at the lack of class (and amount of girth) displayed at my local department store.

But I didn't broadcast it to the world.

And here's the thing: yes, those folks on that insulting blog may not be as attractive as your average ex-frat boy on the train, heading to his workaday 9 to 5 job. And, no, I probably wouldn't care to have a coffee with any of them, either.

But they're still people. And while those photographed might make some unfortunate hair or fashion choices, they are still people with feelings.

I've never had a taste for anything that intentionally aims to be mean-spirited. For that matter, I've long had a distaste for anything that, after 2 minutes, is boring.

And the blog to which I refer definitely falls into that category. Given the media-addicted public's fickle and ever-changing taste, I can only hope that those being insulted won't be much longer.

Mind your manners at a party

2009-09-11T05:04:00.000-07:00

Is it the relaxed, oft-casual nature of parties that brings out the jackass in some people?

Last night, while enjoying myself and my martini at a cocktail party for (supposedly) professionals, I watched as one guest told another that the company she worked for is, indeed, "The Devil" and that they're "screwing her" by "paying her a pittance."

I know for a fact that the female guest is incredibly proud of what she does, and wasn't terribly happy to hear her work denigrated.

On another occasion, I attended an apartment party held on one of those sweltering, 90-plus degree Chicago nights. (This party was not held this year, our coldest summer, since, what, 1922?) This was in a vintage apartment, and in case you're not a Windy Citizen, vintage = no air conditioning.

The host was running her tiny window A/C unit full force, trying to keep everyone cool and happy. The salsa, despite being nestled in a bucket of ice, was melting into tomato soup. One guest, upon sampling the "soup" turned around and told the host, "You might want to consider keeping your food a little fresher."

And while the host was civil to rude offender after that, she no longer socialized with him.

When attending a party, you don't have to be all Pollyanna and agree with everyone's opinions; nor should you kiss everyone's butt. But a little respect and consideration is in order.

And if you're on the receiving end of a jackass, keep in mind that just because someone else is classless, doesn't mean you need to go there with him/her. Just smile, walk away, grab another martini, and make a mental note to check the jackass off your future guest lists.

Manners during a presentation

2009-09-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

Last night Joe Wilson delivered the Heckle Heard 'Round the World.

Not cool. I'm not saying this as a political statement or support of any political party. I'm saying this as someone who has to present and listen a lot.

When you're attending a speech, whether you agree or not, keep shtum.

If there's a Q+A portion, save your comments and questions for then. Upset about something? Take it off-line with the speaker.

related: Clarence Page discusses Congressional Etiquette (or lack thereof).

Just in case we get our last heat wave...

2009-09-10T03:34:00.001-07:00

...here are some things you need to know before you make that last beach visit, courtesy of the blog Gropius vs. Eddie. Chicago Tribune columnist Eric Zorn has written about how summer doesn't end until later, anyway, so this is good advice. Clip and re-read next year if need be.

note: I know not all of my readers are in whale-land, but, you know, just in case you come across any wildlife for that matter, stay the eff away!

A Little Beach Etiquette

Here's what is totally NOT cool on the beach...

Pulling your obnoxious boat so close to the beach that you nearly run over 3 swimming children, then turning your music up so loud that you're probably disturbing the same whales affected by the Navy's sonar.
Okay, let me back up. ANY music on the beach is pretty annoying if others can hear it. I know you may debate me on this point, but what if I don't like your crappy tunes? Soooo inconsiderate.
Taking your drinks in the water and burying the cans in the sand instead of throwing them away. Continue reading...

I feel like good manners are common sense. If you're doing something that is disturbing others or causing harm, for the love of Pete, STOP IT.

Thank you, Gropius! The soul of good manners is in your last sentence.

Politcs and facebook

2009-09-09T05:48:00.000-07:00

A reader writes:

"What are your thoughts are on politics and Facebook? The health-care political debate has people talking politics now more than ever ...Recently one friend noted 'X doesn't log into Facebook to read political rants.' Now, same person also has shared the size and scope of his daily constitutional before (a topic about which I never log in to read), but it did bring up a question for me. Is it cool to write about political topics on Facebook?

For me, so long as it's civil, politics are certainly something one can discuss amongst friends and given the technological capability to ignore updates from people in FB, I don't see the harm. Am I off-base here?"

Just so I'm clear, your friend talks about the size and scope of his daily walks? Or were you euphemizing something else?

You bring up an excellent question. What does etiquette have to do with facebook? Well, everything. And those who post online (anywhere) need to be mindful of a) the message they are posting, b) who might see it, and, c) how it might be perceived -- or how it might affect the poster.

Certainly, everyone's entitled to his or her opinion. But there's a difference between, "Go Candidate Q!" (showing support) and, "[Name of political 'party' throwers] can suck it!" (insulting).

You are correct, that given the features of facebook, we can just click "ignore" on anyone's feeds, so if your friend X doesn't want to read political rants, s/he can use that feature.

But, but, but...there's that whole perception problem. What if you just want to express a civil thought about your preferred candidate/piece of legislation/health care reform? Go ahead, but know that it might be seen by others who hold sway over you...and who might be offended, innocent as your post is.

No, you're not off-base, but I can't help but wonder if political discussions aren't best held in person, over a bottle of Pinot with a plate of cheese and fruit. Or, hell, over beer and pizza.

So here's my bottom line on politics and facebook: tread lightly. When in doubt, don't.

In case you're coming down for Oprah...

2009-09-08T04:47:00.000-07:00

Don't forget your good manners.

I know Michigan Avenue will be atwitter (aflush, a-crowded, a mob scene) with O fans who will just be dying to get a closer glimpse of her today.

But let's remember our good crowd behavior:

No pushing or shoving.
If you need to get past someone, say, "Excuse me."
Especially if you're tall, avoid the urge to cram past someone,then plant yourself right before her, effectively blocking the view that she rightfully had before you so rudely cut in.
No doubt you'll be patronizing the businesses on and near Michigan Avenue; be kind to the shopkeepers.

Let's keep it respectful, Oprah fans.

Mad props to the polite

2009-09-06T07:02:00.000-07:00

Labor Day Weekend! Ah, just when I thought, like most holiday weekends in Chicago, I could get parking anywhere, I was proven wrong. The world descended upon Chicago this weekend (blame either Oprah or the Red Sox-White Sox showdown). Even tiny parks on the far north side were teeming with humans.

And that's a good thing. I'm happy to report that this week was filled with good manners (save for the idiot on his cell phone who nearly ran me over yesterday. But no bitching on Sunday!).

On display in Chicago this past week:

People holding elevator doors open for strangers.
A mom teaching her young son good behavior on the bus.
A child saying, "I'm sorry," repeatedly to the adult who was hit by the child's errant football.
Adult graciously accepting the kid's apology.
In crowded areas: stores, malls, escalators, Jazz Fest* - no one was pushing or shoving!
Anyone who needed to get by this bitch said, "Excuse me."

Thank you, polite people! You make crazy holiday weekends nicer for everyone. We appreciate you.

* If you're in the area, and haven't already, I highly recommend getting down to Jazz Fest - even just for a bit - today, the last day. Grab some food, sit on some nearby grass and listen to some jazzy tunes. It's truly a gem.

Solicitations, part deux: Child labor

2009-09-04T05:15:00.001-07:00

One of my lovely followers (and cool blogger) Iapetus999 fully admits that he's brought his kid to the office to go around and make sales. He poses a good question:

What is the proper etiquette for the reverse situation...when kids (or parents) come up to you? Blow them off or politely buy a small amount? Report them to the manager?

Erm. EB is conflicted here:

On one hand, I think it's good when kids sell things, because the experience simultaneously teaches them about professionalism, entrepreneurship, sales, and rejection. I love buying lemonade from kids on the street.
On the other hand, hardly anyone can bear to say "no" to a kid (unless it's this kid), and might feel pressured.

One doesn't have to be so rude as to "blow them off," but if you don't want the product, a simple, "No thanks, but I appreciate you asking!" will do. If you want to make a purchase, purchase away!

I'd say reporting the offending kid (or parent) seems a bit harsh, a step that should only be taken if the pint-sized sales are becoming disruptive and work can't get done. A word to the manager along the lines of, "Hey, just so you're aware, Nick's kid is my cube and won't stop singing Christmas Carols until I tip her. It's sorta making the conference call with Tokyo difficult."

So far, I haven't heard of any offices that have strict "no kids selling/no solicitations" policies in place, but if everyone brought their kids to work to sell, well, that might make a dent in productivity.

A large part of etiquette is making others feel comfortable (read: not uncomfortable), and sometimes a sales situation will invoke that pressure (see yesterday's post). In these economic times, I suggest we all step back a bit and not make anyone feel like they have to fork over. At the same time, though, I'm not for kiboshing the spirit of the small salespeople.

So let's do this: like most things in life, everything in moderation.

Thanks for writing!

Everyone, enjoy the three-day weekend, and don't forget your summer etiquette out there.

No solicitations at work, please

2009-09-03T04:03:00.000-07:00

Staying on the office theme: It's not cool to solicit donations or sales at work.

No, you can not ask for contributions for a charity (even if the company as a whole is supporting it or doing some sort of Christmastime project), and tread lightly before asking co-workers to buy your little darling Susie's Girl Scout cookies.

Here's why: soliciting funds from co-workers, no matter how good your intentions, puts the co-worker in an awkward spot, and essentially in a lose-lose situation. Here's what's going through coworker's head: "Geez, I don't really want to support Mitt Romney. But Dave's my boss. Can't say no to the boss."

Or: "Ugh, I don't need an 80th box of Thin Mints. And I'm having trouble paying my gas bill this month. But I don't want Sara to be mad at me. Okay, $4, I'll fork it over. Now I resent her."

Also, when it comes to soliciting funds for political or even charitable causes, depending on the circumstances, you're likely crossing some ethical lines.

Here's what is okay: You have a form/catalog/whatever. You discreetly, or perhaps in a short email (sent only using bcc!) inform a handful of coworkers, "Susie's got Girl Scout cookies. I've got the form. Stop by my desk if you're interested. Thanks."

The political donations, though? Keep those out of the workplace, period. In Business Etiquette, we talk about the four things you never discuss in a business situation: Religion, Politics, Money, and S-E-X.

Shared space? Clean up.

2009-09-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

What is it about communal areas -- the office kitchen, conference rooms, apartment laundry areas -- that make people think it's okay to leave detritus behind?

Is it laziness?

Or is it the thought of, "If I ignore it, it will go away"? Or is it, "If I leave crap here, someone else will be so bothered, they'll clean it up. I'm far too important for janitor work."

I work in a shared office space, which means no one has an assigned desk - we come and go when we need to work (or not). You can't get access to the office until you take a tour and agree to the rules, one of which is, "When you use the dishes, put them in the dishwasher. If dishwasher is full (of clean dishes), you then either: a) empty it, and add your dirty dish, or; b) hand-wash and put it away."

Simple, right? You'd think a handful of Phds and high-school grads could grasp that one. Apparently not. As I type, a stack of dirty plates graces my office kitchen. These geniuses need gentle reminding all the time. Maybe not-so-gentle would have greater effect?

And it's not just the whole kitchen-dishes-microwave thing. I'll start my day by choosing a desk, and set down my laptop only to find a gaggle of cookie crumbs from who-knows-who carrying all sorts of germs.

Look, when you're in a common area: office, kitchen, laundry, whatever, it's simple: you spill it; you wipe it up. You dirty it, you clean it.

Like most good behavior, taking care of your surroundings expresses that you care about them; it's showing a sense of pride.

So what do you feel like saying? "I like this space" or "This space is trash...and I am too!"

What's etiquette about, anyway?

2009-08-31T05:03:00.000-07:00

This blog doesn't exist solely so I can carp about the evil doers around me. It 's actually an educational tool.

I know that when I ask someone to silence their cell phone, or please wait for his/her turn in line, I get a an icy "how dare you tell me what to do!" glare.

Here's the thing: It's not that I want you to behave. (Partly. But that's really not it.)

Etiquette is about demonstrating respect for others around us -- whether we know them or not. And when we show respect for others, we're showing respect for ourselves.

Mad props to the polite

2009-08-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

The two best things I saw this week:

Drivers allowing others into traffic, and
The ones who were let in giving a "thank you" sign to the other driver.

In case you're wondering, the universal sign for "thank you" when driving is a raised hand, perhaps a tiny wave, all five digits up. When someone does you a kindness in traffic, raise your hand and say "thanks."

And if you see another driver struggling to get in, make a difficult turn, etc., just stop for a moment and let her or him in.

You'll be rewarded by the traffic gods.

Thank you, polite people! You make traffic not-so-horrid.

It's also called a "cockroach"

2009-08-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

As a follow-up to the ear mullet, a colleague of mine, with whom I'll be presenting Tuesday night, tells me that in his office, cell phone earpieces are called "cockroaches."

As in, "Take that cockroach out of your ear, the meeting's about to start."

Lose the ear mullet

2009-08-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

In the '90s, it was the cell-phone belt clip.

Today, it's the Bluetooth earpiece.

Both scream, "Look at me! I'm important! I can reach my personal communication device within a second!"

What they really say: "Look at me! I'm a douchebag!"

You don't need to walk around with your ear mullet (what Wired calls those cell-phone earpieces) attached all the time. Moreover, when you're in a meeting, take the damn thing off.

It's a distraction. (Not to you, sure, because you don't have to look at the stupid thing.) It borders on (and teeters into) disrespectful -- especially if that little blue light goes blinky-blinky-blinky.

A colleague of mine has business meetings all the time with individuals who refuse to remove their ear clips. "No, I'm waiting for a call," they tell her.

Really? And when the call arrives you can't either: a) let it go to voicemail, whereby you will return the call, or: b) spend the 2 seconds it takes to answer your phone (sans earpiece) and step out of the room?

Please.

This "I've got an earpiece" mentality smacks of such manufactured self-importance, it's ridiculous.

Unless you're Brad Pitt or severely disabled, take your earpiece off when you're in the company of others.

Mad props to the late Senator Kennedy

2009-08-28T05:53:00.000-07:00

I'm going to step out of the norm for just a quick post. I don't like to have any political tones here, but I've got to say "thanks for your service" and a fond farewell to the late Senator Ted Kennedy.

As I watched the news coverage, what struck me was that Senator Kennedy reached out to many, but did so quite frequently through letters.*

Watch CBS Videos Online

*for those of you under 30: "letters" are longer, more thoughtful emails, but on paper, written with ink. Instead of pressing "send," one puts the paper-with-ink into a paper envelope and snail-mails it to the recipient.

To clarify about tacky thank-yous

2009-08-27T06:34:00.000-07:00

Reader marybt posted a great comment yesterday asking about my disdain for photo thank-yous:

"I had some made by Shutterfly that have my kid's picture on the front and say thank you. But then we actually write a note on the inside. How is that tacky?

I'd hate to unknowingly make some faux pas.

BTW, my daughter will be 2 next month. I already have her color on the thank you notes so that she gets into the habit."

So, first, let's give some major kudos to marybt for: a) teaching her child to write thank yous, and b) including a personal note.

What marybt is doing (photo+note) is acceptable and nice. She's saying thank you and including a photo.

To clarify: Photo cards are not inherently evil; it's when they are sent solo in place of a thank you, sans handwritten note, that they are evil.

My classless (but not immediate, thank god) relatives have sent something like this, instead of writing a thank-you.

I'm with marybt -- photos are nice. In fact, I'd love a picture of the kids, your wedding, whatever -- as long as you make a minuscule effort and write "thank you, I love the $100 check you gave me."

Shoving a photo into a card and mailing it off is not effort.

To gift, or not to gift?

2009-08-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

Just as a follow-up to yesterday: the thank-you to the innkeeper is on its way!

Okay, so I have a slew of parties coming up, and it dawned on me that there are many areas of etiquette that are fuzzy, because no matter how much us good-manners lovers bitch about it, the general public is just going to do as it pleases anyway. (Actually, I think that's unfortunately true about all etiquette guidelines. But anyway...)

The one party "rule" that is always messy is whether to say "no presents" on the invite.

Old-school etiquette says that any mention of presents on the invite (email, evite, or hand-written) is tacky. You don't mention presents either way. I agree with half of this: you don't mention that you want presents, nor do you ever mention where you (or the guest of honor) are registered. Registry info goes on a separate card.

I'm actually okay with "no presents" on the invite...but the much of the general public isn't. Mainly because they won't (or don't want to) listen.

If you say "no presents," invariably, there will be the one or two guests who insist on bringing a gift, thereby making the others (who followed your instructions) feel uncomfortable. When these naysayers show up, gift in hand, thank them quietly, then spirit the gift off to an undisclosed location, away from partyland.

The other good graces faux pas comes in the form of those who put "no presents, please" on their invites, and then secretly hope their guests will bring presents. These people usually end up getting pissed off that everyone followed their instructions.

The easiest, most fool-proof strategy all around? Don't mention presents at all. If some show up, put 'em away. If they don't, well, then, you had your friends over and had a good time.

Another nice thing and thank-yous

2009-08-24T03:55:00.000-07:00

My friend K. went on a trip last week, and left a t-shirt behind. He didn't even notice it was missing until it turned up in the mail, shipped to him by the owner of the inn where he stayed.

Of course, the inn owners are getting a nice, hand-written thank you in the mail.

Although these days you'll hear that you're "technically" not required to send a thank you (because gifts should be given in the spirit -- yeah, bullshit), good manners dictate that when someone goes out of their way for you, or buys you a gift, you take about 2 minutes out of your life, and send a thank you note. Hand-written. Not pre-printed photocards -- those stupid things are tacky and, no, they don't get you off the hook.

I was filing receipts this weekend and came across proof of multiple baby gifts I'd bought for random procreators--you know, casual friends and acquaintances. Not one had sent me a thank-you or even called to say thanks. So unless you're a friend or relative of mine and you're pregnant, no more gifts from the Bitch.

Mad props to the polite

2009-08-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

This week was pretty mellow, meaning that people all around were behaving pretty nicely, which is as it should be. Let's hope this nice trend continues. (Of course, if everyone is nice and polite, what the eff will I write about?)

Some good things I saw this week:

People saying "Excuse me," to strangers on a crowded sidewalk when they needed to pass.
One mother and child moving out of the way at a shoe store so a stranger could see the display.
A yoga teacher staying after class (20 minutes) to help a student.

These are all just little nice things, but they make our world nicer. Thank you, kind folks!

I don't need to see the email addressess of your 1,000 friends

2009-08-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

There's this field in email called "bcc." Learn how to use it properly and not annoy the hell out of your friends.

"BCC" stands for "blind carbon copy" and it's a hangover from the old typewriter days. (Click here if you don't know what a typewriter is.)*

What it means: The person(s) listed in the "to" or "cc" field don't see the names/emails of anyone in the "bcc" field. In corporate america, this is great for sending secret/confidential information.

Out here in the real world, "bcc" is great when you have more than a few folks to email, i.e., more than four.

When sending out mass emails for your Tupperware party, improv show, Super Bowl party, bachelor/bachelorette party, book club, job lead, request for job leads -- you catch my drift -- send one copy to yourself, and list your myriad contacts in the "bcc" field.

Why?

Well, as is a good practice, put yourself in your reader's shoes. No one likes to get an email, open it, and then have to scroll for 2 pages past all the "to:" emails. Plus, the reader is also thinking, "Great, now all these people I don't know can contact me. I thought that's what facebook was for."

Now, once your friends pick up on this tip and start sending you clean emails, you have a responsibility as the recipient in the "bcc" field.

Do not hit "reply to all" if you're a "bcc." (You can tell you're a "bcc" if you look up at your name. It will say: "bcc: [Your Name/email].")

Why? Because the initial recipients aren't supposed to know you received this email. Secondly, mass "reply to all"s are annoying as fuck.

I once sent an email to a client of mine, recommending the services of my friend "Alex." I put "Alex" in the "bcc" field so he would know I was referring business to him. "Alex" then did a stupid thing and hit "reply to all" and addressed my client, asking for a sales meeting. Oh, I was pissed.

* I am genuinely surprised that a) typewriters are still manufactured, b) they are expensive, and c) one model is actually on backorder and not due in until Halloween of this year. Yikes!

I imagine "Mad Men" had some good and bad manners

2009-08-20T05:53:00.000-07:00

According to Nathan Bransford, apparently your blog doesn't even exist unless you mention "Mad Men."

Arguably a wonderful show. But losing cable last year has forced me to cease viewing, save for the scarce free-viewings available on the internet.

So I'll blog about what I know/recall about this show.

Women are treated like meat. Not good, not cool. Don Draper's a little better than dirtbag Pete Campbell, ah, except for how he disregards his wife. Scratch that last one.

I know, I know, it's "of the times," "it's how things were back then," "it's a cutthroat industry," blah, blah, blah.

But it doesn't mean I want to squeeze myself into a dress, don my foot-killing spike heels and parade around the office so men can make cruel comments behind my back.

What's an important aspect of etiquette? "Respect." That's right, class.

Watch "Mad Men" for entertainment value; not as a modern-day how-to.

Take just one, please

2009-08-20T05:34:00.000-07:00

Last week I was at one of those suites-only hotels that provides free dinner, complete with milk and cookies in the evening.

In general, I love those places, except when the food is so awful I wouldn't leave it out for the rats. Happily, this was not one of those places. The food was, well, good.

Every night, the cookies would disappear about 5 minutes into dinnertime. One evening, I popped into the lobby to snag a cookie...and they were all gone.

Pasta? Plenty. Green salad? Oh, I could have all the salad I wanted. Cheap wine? Abundant. But the cookie jar? Empty.

And then I saw why. One woman sat solo at a table, eating her dinner, plate piled high with pasta and salad. And next to her was a second plate....with four chocolate-chip cookies on it.

Listen, rude-asses, the hotel puts that stuff out for everybody. And you may not have noticed, but they also do not replenish the good stuff -- like cookies.

Realize that you're not the only person staying at the hotel. Take just one, please.

This rule applies whenever you're grabbing freebies -- leave some for the others.

How to get off an airplane

2009-08-18T04:12:00.000-07:00

Kind of like how we're not taught how to blow our noses in public, I really don't recall anyone ever teaching us how to exit an airplane (or a bus or elevator for that matter.)

Let's apply a little common sense here, shall we? You know how when you get ON an airplane, not everyone can get on at the same time? That's why there's a BOARDING procedure.

Let's use an "Exit Procedure" shall we?

Once the plane lands, leave your seat belt on, stay seated, and wait until the seat belt sign is turned off. Only then may you unbuckle, stand up, and then rustle about for your belongings so you may get off the plane asfastasyoucan.

Here's the proper, most efficient way to exit the plane: one row at a time, front to back. Wait your turn, impatient assholes. If you're seated in the middle or aisle, that means the aisle person goes first, middle-seat person goes second, then the window-seat person goes third.

I really shouldn't have to tell anybody any of this, but unfortunately, witnessed by last week's travels, I do. Upon my arrival in San Jose, Grandma Jones, seated in the middle seat, quite literally crawled over me as I wrangled with my stowed laptop case overhead. All so she could get one step ahead of me, when I wasn't even out of my seat yet.

"Could you wait two seconds?" I muttered to her. Apparently not, even though her sprint-over-the 30-something gave her a 2 second advantage, she then had to wait in the gate for her handicapped husband.

As she waited, she called to every exiting passenger, "Herb! Herb!"

Really, you have to wait for your husband, and you have to jump over one passenger? I call this the height of rudeness!

What else I find amazing is the "I gotta get out first!" passengers who run up the aisle when the airplane doors aren't even open yet, block everyone else's way so they can't even gather their belongings, and just stand there, impatiently. They then push past everyone, only to get down to baggage claim where....their bags aren't even there for another 20 minutes.

Let's apply a little common sense and courtesy, people. If you have to go get bags, you're just as well off waiting on the plane, and waiting your turn.

The one exception to "wait your turn" are the folks who are desperately trying to make a connecting flight -- especially the last one of the evening -- and are delayed as it is. In those cases, I find that the crew is usually kind enough to make an announcement to ask the non-connectors to please let the frantically-hurried passengers bolt down the aisle first...and then please stand up, collect your belongings and exit in an orderly fashion.

Mad props to the polite

2009-08-17T15:51:00.001-07:00

Forgive my day-lateness; etiquette buffs need a vacation, too!

Okay, here we go, good stuff I saw in the last week:

A woman on the airplane actually picking up her trash around her seat.
A young man holding a restaurant door open for two elderly, not-so-healthy folks. The elder gentleman walked with a cane; his female companion, lugging her oxygen tank, joked with the door-holder: "I need a prod for him" and made poking gestures.
A large family (6 of them? 10 of them?) bringing beer, sodas, chips, and watermelon to the hotel pool -- and cleaning up after themselves and throwing everything away.*
Matriarch of same family above offering snacks to everyone (ie, nearby strangers) at the pool.
Same family: all the adults teaching the children good manners in public, including: not running, saying "please," "excuse me," and "thank you."

Thank you, polite people! You make the world -- and traveling -- much nicer.

*I find this one so wonderful because, for whatever reason, the darling people who live in my neighborhood think it's okay to leave their trash curbside and hope that someone -- like my cash-strapped city -- will clean it up for them. The street looks nothing like the guest suite at the Hilton, at least to my eyes.

Sneezles

2009-08-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

A recent Miss Manners column caught my eye, and made me realize most of us are not taught what to do when we need to sneeze in public.

Miss Manners says to carry a handkerchief (cloth) all the time, and sneeze into it.

I'm of the disposable age, so I'll say keep a Kleenex tucked inside your purse or pocket.

When with others, especially at the dinner table (or any meal, for that matter), do not do the following when you sneeze:

Just let it out and let germs and moisture fly every which way.
Pull your shirt away from you, tuck chin to chest, and sneeze into your clothing.
Sneeze into your hand, finish with an, "Ahhhh...." and then wipe your hand on your pants.

A sneeze into a kerchief or Kleenex is acceptable, as long as you are quick, quiet, and discreet. Need a moment to blow? Excuse yourself and head to the bathroom to clear your sinuses.

And then wash your germ-covered hands before returning to the table.

Mad props to the polite

2009-08-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

Is there a good-manners vibe rippling through the universe, or at least through the Midwest?I am most grateful!

For the second time inside a month, I went to a movie (8 p.m. on a Saturday, "Julie and Julia," every single seat taken) and -- gasp -- cell phone silence!

I was about 5 rows from the front of the screen, so I can't say with certainty that the movie was completely free of ignoramuses who texted or pressed a button on their phones, thus emitting 1,000 lumens to annoy their neighbors.

But it was a (mostly) quiet audience, and I enjoyed the movie without someone else's running commentary or verbal predictions.

And, apparently, I had an etiquette lover sitting to my right. My friend/date-for-the-evening was sitting to my left. At the start of the movie, my friend leaned over and made some comment to me, full-voice.

Guy to my right announces, full-voice: "If we could not talk during the movie, that would be great."

It was all I could do to not say to him, "HEY! That's my job!"

My friend was quiet and respectful for the duration of the movie.

Thanks, polite and quiet people. You make movies enjoyable, and the world a better place.

Nothing on the internet is private

2009-08-07T05:54:00.000-07:00

Oh, no, it's not.

Email never dies. Your potential employer can and will find your beer bong photos on Facebook or Myspace.

And real people have feelings.

One of the benefits/downsides (depending on your perspective) of Facebook is that every genius on it can share every single thought he/she has -- everything from "I'm hungry" to "Wondering why my neighbor feels it's okay to clomp around in high heels at 1 a.m. and wake me up????" *

Private thoughts are okay. In fact, they're good. Most of your FB friends do not care that you regret that cheeseburger with fudge that you ate last night. Also, your FB friends don't want to hear about your colonoscopy. And while they might not care about your dietary habits, they do have feelings.

So think twice before you post. If you're hosting a wedding (or some other massive social event) to which not everyone is invited, you might not want to post every detail every ten minutes.

And if you're about to bad-mouth someone? Skip it. Chances are one of their friends will see it. Even if you post on someone's wall (vs. posting a public comment), all of their friends can see the wall post.

Nothing on the internet is private. And there are people out there in the real world -- people with feelings -- reading this crap.

* Tip from Wired Magazine: Hunger and fatigue are never good facebook posts.

Dinner conversation

2009-08-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

I suppose when one experiences good graces (lovely house guests) one must also encounter something in the universe to balance it out, right?

Enter the unpalatable dinner conversation.

In the last 72 hours, I've attended two dinner parties. Okay, they were both barbecues, but still -- let us not forget that when we are with a group of people who have food before them, then perhaps we should mind our manners and stick to non-offensive, easy-to-digest topics for the table.

In the last three days, I've heard the following discussed (or blathered about, depending on the speaker's drunkenness) over dinner:

Urination, defecation, vomiting, or faking retardation as a rape-avoidance technique.
The appearance (black) and size (large) of one's scrotum after a vasectomy.
Another guest's breasts -- and whether they would make an appearance at the table.

All three were tasteless; the first two were excellent appetite suppressants.

At a social gathering, unless you're hanging exclusively with your sorority sisters or frat brothers and you're all wasted, please remember the phrase polite company and make sure that you act, well, polite.

Those pesky handicapped people

2009-08-04T04:16:00.001-07:00

I'm happy to say I had wonderful house guests. It was a great week.

Taking care of other people, though, makes you notice aspects about the real world that you may have overlooked before.

Like that most people, in public, are incredibly ignorant when they cross paths with an injured or handicapped person.

Here's the right thing to do: give a little courtesy to the disabled party. Perhaps hold a door open for him or her. No need to push past the handicapped person -- wait your turn.

During my visit with my guest-on-crutches, I saw people push past her in stores, and when she was struggling to get out of a car, an asshole female driver -- whom I had asked to please wait -- drove past my injured guest, nearly hitting her.

Guess what, morons? An additional two-to-thirty second wait is not going to kill you, and --gasp--you probably will still be on time wherever you're going.

The next time you see an injured, feeble, or handicapped person who's in your path, stop and think for a minute: What if this was my mother? My father? Brother? Sister? Wouldn't you want everyone else to be a little patient and courteous?

Yeah, me, too.

Related: Public transportation and giving up seats.

Mad props to the polite

2009-08-02T05:18:00.000-07:00

Good stuff I saw in the last week:

House guests who took their host out to dinner.

At said dinner, one set of parents with a stroller saw two parents burdened with a sleeping child and no stroller. "Would you like to borrow this?" stroller-parents said. They let the sleeping baby's parents borrow the stroller so they could eat dinner sans sleeping baby.

Thank you, nice parents!
You make the world a nicer place.

Who's encouraging the assholes of tomorrow?

2009-07-29T06:22:00.000-07:00

Verizon Wireless and Motorola, that's who.

These moronic companies currently have an ad running featuring teens. Each teen has a blurb of text over his or her image, telling how they text. The very first one?

"I text through the movie."

Okay, jerks -- and this includes you verizon and motorola -- cell phones and PDAs now have super-bright screens that emit a ton of lumens. Translation? Even if you hit one button to check the time during the film, you're bothering everyone within a 50-foot radius.

Cell phones - the lights, the noises, the rings, and you talking - are a DISTRACTION at any public theater venue. So if you go to see a movie, a quiet-ish concert, a play, the opera, the symphony -- shut the damn thing off.

Do you have kids? Please teach them to turn off their cell phones when out at social events. Also teach them when it is rude to use the phone -- and when it's time to put it away. Guess what? The world will keep spinning for an hour or two, and your friends won't die because they didn't get an immediate response from you.

Let's start demonstrating respect for others around us by not disturbing them -- least of all when they've just paid $20 admission and $15 for food for an enjoyable (not annoying) night out.

And the dumbest "teen" in this ad? "I text between the sheets." I hope to god they mean when he's beating off.

Read more on the dangers of texting here.

Finally, for house guests

2009-07-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

The last rule for house guests is: Leave your host(s) alone. Go for a walk by yourself. Go visit the nearest large city without them. Run to the store solo and stock up on groceries for the household.

But do give your host a few minutes of peace.

Having someone else in your space for days is jarring to the soul and psyche. And with or without house guests, we all need a little decompression time.

So when someone's kind enough to put you up, leave them alone.

Mad props to the polite

2009-07-26T07:57:00.001-07:00

Good behavior witnessed this week:

Lots of "please"s and "thank yous."
Drivers not talking on their cell phones, letting others into traffic in one-lane construction zones.
An entire family reunion crowd waiting patiently and taking their turns at the buffet table.
Kids of all ages saying, "Nice to meet you," upon meeting someone for the first time.

Polite people, you make the world a nicer place.

If you're a houseguest

2009-07-24T04:42:00.000-07:00

The big no-no of host gifts...see why below.

When staying at someone else's home, make sure you make an offering of gratitude -- and I don't mean a stupid post-it note on the fridge with the word "Thanks!" scrawled across it.

A gift is cheaper than a hotel. Show up with a hostess gift - even if you're only staying for one night. A bottle of wine, a bag of nice coffee beans, or sweets are nice -- anything that you think your host would appreciate.
Do not bring hostess soaps. Nobody likes those. And they stink to high heaven.
When visiting a home that includes small children, a little something for the little somethings is always nice.
Staying for a few days? Or a week? Buy your host(s) at least one meal, if not more.
Short on cash? Cook for your host(s) one night. Or morning. We loooove to be waited on.

The worst house guests I ever had stayed for two days, said, "We want to take you out for dinner!" then asked me for $30 when the bill came. Their act of gratitude? A stupid post-it note on the fridge with the word, "Thanks!" scrawled across it.

For houseguests and hosts

2009-07-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

In honor of the fact that I'm about to have four house guests for seven days (yow!), I thought this might be a good time to post some dos and don'ts for those who host and those who stay.

Before the visit:

House guests...

Never invite yourself. Just because your buddy Dave lives in Hawaii doesn't mean he has room for, or necessarily wants, house guests. Wait to be invited. If you're not invited but you're dying to go to Hawaii (or any other locale where you have friends/relatives/acquaintances), buy a ticket and book a hotel room, or stay home, cheapskate.
Take care of your own special accommodations and accoutrements. If you're on a restrictive diet of enzyme-free yogurt and flax-infused chamomile enemas, don't demand your host stock up on these items, especially if they're hard to get. Same goes for special accommodations -- down-free pillows, lint-free sheets. When someone opens their home to you, this is not the time to be a diva.

Board Fluffy or hire a pet sitter. Don't put your host in the uncomfortable position of having to answer, "Can we bring Fido?" Assume the answer is "no." This is best for all involved.

Hosts...

Do have some food and snacks on hand for your guests. It is nice to ask beforehand what they prefer, or if they have any food allergies.
Whatever you stock up on, don't buy the cheap stuff. Never serve your guests something you wouldn't eat or drink.
Add some touches of comfort: Kleenex in every room, (non-pornographic) reading material near the sleeping quarters, and fresh, clean towels and washcloths are always welcoming. And "welcome" is what you want your guests to feel.

More on guests and hosts:

Never go empty-handed
Be nice to your host

No touching part 2

2009-07-21T07:27:00.000-07:00

If you missed the comments in last week's post, there's another type of stranger you are never allowed to touch: pregnant women.

Would you walk up to a random guy in public and touch his crotch? (I'm asking everyone except the drunken sorority girls and bachelorette parties.) How about a skinny woman and touch her belly, boobs, or ass? Not acceptable, right?

Putting your hands on a pregnant woman's belly (doubly offensive if she's not pregnant and you think she is) is never okay.

And here are the bullshit responses I've heard:

1. "But there's a baby in there!"

So? Why not go to the maternity ward at your local hospital and press your face and hands up against the nursery glass. There's babies in there! That won't make you look like a psycho.

2. "You know, in some cultures, it's considered good luck to rub a pregnant woman's belly."

Yeah, well, this is America and that one somehow never made it into our culture. We have this thing called personal space, and we'll thank y'all to respect it. If you need to find a belly to rub for luck, go to your nearest funky home furnishings store, buy a statue of Buddha, and rub away.

Even with pregnant friends and relatives, ask first before touching.

On movie theaters and public transport

2009-07-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

1) Why have movie theaters stopped showing those little "turn off your cell phone" promos before the movie? I think cingular used to sponsor them, and cingular no longer exists, so neither do the promos.

If you go to a movie, turn off your fucking cell phone, iphone, sidekick or whatever. It's rude to text or talk on your phone during the movie, no matter how quick you are. You're disturbing others in the audience.*

2) Will someone under 30 please tell Generation Y that when you see an old, feeble person get on the bus or train, the right thing to do is give up your seat to the old person? Ditto if it's a pregnant woman.

Note: if you are disabled, pregnant, or dealing with some injury, you don't have to give up your seat. But if you're healthy, and someone needs it more than you do, do them a kindness and give up your seat.

Besides, standing is healthier for your spine.

* today's inspiration: yesterday, 4:00 pm showing of "(500) Days of Summer" at the Landmark Century Theater. Some moron in my row answered his phone (on vibrate, so he got one thing right) during the movie to tell the person, "I'm in a movie I'll call you back."

Hey, rude-ass! Your cell phone has this thing called "voice mail" on it. You know what it's for? So the caller can leave a message and when you're free you can call them back. Nifty invention, huh?

Mad props to the polite

2009-07-18T09:09:00.002-07:00

At Trader Joe's this week, two young girls (about ages 10 and 8, I'd say) walked up to the freebie-snack treasure chest at the front of the store and asked permission first before they took said freebies.

Yes! A child asking politely! Yes! Yes! (fist pump into air) I love these kids and I love the parents who are teaching them good manners!

You rule, polite parents!

No touching

2009-07-17T05:21:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how many people think it's okay to touch strangers in public. It's not. It's rude, offensive, and a violation of one's personal space.

I've been pushed in a bank line and chummily grabbed by the shoulders in a buffet line. The second offender got an earful from me.

The other "no touching" rule that I urge all to follow is: Don't Touch Random Babies Whom You Don't Know.

I know people who do this all the time -- we're out at the mall, and up behind us steps a parent with an infant -- and my friend is cooing and drooling -- and then they have to grab the baby's hand, or touch the baby on the face. Yes, babies are beyond adorable. But it's not your adorable kid to touch.

Newsflash: That parent or nanny has no idea where your hands have been, and that child is more than likely going to pick up your germs.

This no-touching rule extends to the workplace: even if you know someone, even if you're "friendly" with them, no inappropriate touching at work. I realize there are some business cultures where a hug is okay between colleagues -- but make sure you know that a hug is okay before reaching out to touch someone.

I'll never forget the first time a business colleague (female) hugged me after a meeting -- I was flabbergasted. I was taught you don't hug at work, and I was thrown. Now, I have a few colleagues whom I do hug, but we've also been working together for eight years, and we only hug hello or good-bye if we're out, like at a lunch. Never in front of clients.

And please, never ever ever do this at work.

Have a great weekend, readers...and stay polite!

How to dress

2009-07-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

It sounds silly, doesn't it? Your mommy doesn't dress you anymore, right? Perhaps more mommies should still dress their adult or near-adult offspring.

Think about where you are going first. Think about whom you might see -- especially if this is a business situation, or even a social situation where you might see a potential business contact. Dress appropriately for the occasion. If you're not sure what's best -- black tie or Juicy Couture sweats? -- ask somebody.

Grievous sartorial offenses I've observed multiple times:

Real estate agents wearing jeans, yoga stretch pants, or raggy shorts while
showing a property.*
Denim-clad women attending non-casual cocktail parties.
Hoochie-mama attire in the workplace.
Chest hair displayed in the workplace.

One of the greatest lessons imparted to me came from actor and teacher John Howard Swain. He demonstrated that you show respect for your audience, respect for yourself, and respect for the work by how you dress.

So what does your attire say about you? "Eff you"? or "I like myself"?

*This describes, sadly, about 99.9% of the real estate agents in Chicago. Who told these morons it's okay to look like you're picking up groceries, and you just happened to swing by to maybe make a buck? Show a little respect, lazy asses.

More netiquette

2009-07-15T10:42:00.001-07:00

"Netiquette" (Internet + Etiquette) isn't just for emails...it's for -- duh! -- the internet.

When posting in chatrooms, forums, message boards, any where on line:

Keep it clean.
Even if you feel like swearing (yes, I know I likes my cusses, but it's my blog, dammit.), don't find some creative way to hide your swear in another word or with funky spacing. Your post will likely get deleted or blocked anyway.
Resist the urge to flame other posters. Would you say that to the poster's face if he/she were right in front of you? Yeah, I didn't think so. (If you just said "Yes I would," then I dare you to go walk over to a coworker right now, and say something nasty ("Hey genius! Nice comment!") with a sarcastic, snarky tone. See what happens.)
Don't ramble. No one likes a rambler -- in an email, on a voice mail, or in a post.
Don't bore the rest of the world by describing your word verification and what you thought of it. Yes, it's effing hilarious that your WV on today's Cakewrecks was "putrefied" and that's what you thought of the photo. The rest of us don't care.

Wisdom from my pedicurist

2009-07-14T05:27:00.001-07:00

"I don't interrupt people when they're talking. That's rude."

Rock on, Hannah.

Netiquette

2009-07-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

"Netiquette" is etiquette for the internet; usually applied to email. Today we're doing email.

Lesson 1: Write appropriately, and punctuate appropriately, especially if this is business communication.

Translation: when communicating at work, you're at work, not in junior high, and your message should read as such.

Good ideas, so you don't piss off your reader or your boss:

Avoid using emoticons (the "smiley" or "frowny" faces). It's just not professional.
Punctuation????? Less is more!!! Even if you ARE really excited??? You only need one exclamation point! Asking a question? One question mark. Ending a sentence? One period. Period.
AVOID USING ALL CAPS. All caps means you are SHOUTING, and, yes, it's considered RUDE.
Re-read every email you are about to send, yes, even the two-word email that says: "thank you." You don't want it to go out saying "thank yo."
Re-read every email you are about to send.
Use sepll chcek evry tme.
No, txt abbrs r nt ok. Type out words fully, even if you are emailing from a handheld. This isn't eighth grade, remember?
Never forget that this is business communication, no matter where your email originates from. Translation: no, you can't let typos go just because you're on a handheld.

Little things mean a lot, especially in the workplace. Take it from someone who works with VPs and CEOs all the time -- your constant email foibles will keep you from being promoted.

A version of this article originally appeared on The Examiner.

Mad props to the polite

2009-07-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

This week's mad props go to...

The couple who brought wine to a dinner party and presented it to the host.
The host who then asked, "Would you like me to open this now?"* (guest politely declined)
The guests who offered to help clear place settings after dinner.*

* The last two are optional -- nice things to do, but you don't hafta.

I've been argued against by wine snobs who tell me, "If the host has planned a dinner party with a wine that complements the food, then the host shouldn't open the new wine."

Yeah, "whatevs" as the kids are saying. Despite living in Northern California for five years, my wine snobbery extends to "If it tastes good, and you like it, drink it." Only wine-drinking rule in my house is the ban on two-buck Chuck.

Mad props to you, polite people! You make the world a better place!

If you're hosting a shower...

2009-07-10T05:36:00.000-07:00

...for a bride or a mother-to-be, please print out this list of no-nos and make sure you don't commit any of these offenses.

NO, you may not blatantly ask for specific gifts. Not even if you write a cutesy poem, not even if you have a "good" reason (whine: "but I already have everything I neeeeed...").
NO, you may not ask for cash. Ever. Again, regardless of what you think, it's never a good idea. It's offensive. (Good graces = "it's not all about you.")
NO, you may not dictate what gifts guests may or may not bring. (Look up the definition of "gift" rude-ass.) EB once got a baby shower invite with the words: "Do not give clothes." Your rude-ass can return it after the shower.
NO, you may not ask guests to address their own thank-you notes before they leave. (Taaaackyyyy!) (Ruuuuude!)
NO, you may not ask attendees to bring refreshments as well as gifts.

The point of a shower is to "shower the recipient with gifts." People know this.

Yes, you can have a gift registry, but know that registries are guidelines and the guests are not obligated to buy solely off the registry. Enclose registry information on a separate piece of paper or card inside the invite. Let your guests buy what they will; exchange what you don't like or need, or sell it on Ebay. Or give it to a more-appreciative friend.

And if you're attending a shower...

NO, you can't show up empty-handed. Taaaacckyyy!
"Shower" = "Bring a gift. Some kind of gift. A bottle of Three-Buck-Chuck, for fuck's sake."
NO, you can't show up drunk, or proceed to get drunk at the shower. Show a little grace.
NO, you can't hide in the bathroom texting your best friend about how much you hate showers. Send a gift, don't attend if that's the case.

Got a shower horror story? Email me at etiquetteb [at] gmail [dot] com and share, please!

Bk 2 wrk - txtng @ dsk = bad

2009-07-08T04:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know, you're just sending a quick message to T-Bone. And Sherri needs to know what color nail polish you're wearing to the cocktail party on Friday. Such matters are pressing, and the world will stop spinning if you don't respond within 30 seconds.

But employees of the world, put down those cell phones/Crackberries/Treos -- whatever you're texting on -- between 9 and 5 (or whatever your work hours are. This includes you, Walgreen's cashiers and Jewel Deli Workers).

My good friend Manager X related his story of the week: "I had to talk to two of my employees about their texting at work -- because whenever I passed their desks -- and I mean every time -- there they were--" [makes gesture of head bent over a crackberry, typing away with thumbs.]

"How'd they take it?" I asked.

"One was polite, and promised it won't happen again. The other said, 'But I-- It was just this once!!' and I reminded him that, no, it wasn't 'just this once.' He was upset, but I need him to do his job--not talk to his friends all day."

You're being paid to work, think, and solve problems. During the workday, your personal communication device needs to be stashed away. Text on your personal time -- at lunch, or if you step outside for a break. I promise you that T-Bone and Sherri can wait to hear from you, and the world will keep spinning.

Oh, and outside of work? No texting while driving, either. It's dangerous, and you're holding up the 3,000 people behind you. I've seen it.

A version of this article originally appeared in the Chicago Examiner.

Summer etiquette, part 3

2009-07-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

If you're at the beach, and you play a game with a buddy (frisbee, volleyball without a net, that ping-pongy type game with paddles and a ball), make sure you're far, far away from other beach patrons.

Beach blanket dwellers everywhere thank you.